Off-Beat Badgers Preview: Do it for Melvin and keep embarrassing Nebraska
If you are looking for hard-hitting analysis, yeah, this ain’t it. But if you want a fun, entertaining read, you’ve found the right place. For more of Brandon Rifkin, please head to his blog or follow him on Twitter.
I feel like we buried Iowa YEARS ago. YEARS AGO. What even happened in that game? I remember Horn Dawg slinging for the win and pretty much nothing else. I’m okay with that. The key is that we bounced back from the BYU debacle and steadied the ship. Equally important is that Ohio State is positioned to run the table and give us that small, small chance of beating them in Indy to backdoor into the playoff.
Do I think that will actually happen? I have no idea. Whenever you try guessing what’s going to happen in college football, you inevitably look like an idiot. And I make a prediction every week, so I would know what it’s like to be that idiot.
So we’ll get to all those annoying scenarios and bowl projections later on. For now we welcome our best friend back to Camp Randall. And by best friend I mean the former football giant that we’ve been embarrassing since the day they joined the B1G. I require more embarrassment.
RANDOM MUSIC WE’RE DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK
Metric has a new album out and it is an awesome listen front to back. That sh*t is on Spotify and you have no excuse. Go. Dig. Live.
BIG TEN FEAR RANKINGS
1. Ohio State, 5-0 (2-0). Congratulations everyone, we all have to root for OSU to run the table now. Ain’t that a hoot.
2. Wisconsin, 3-1 (1-0). Burying Iowa on the road in a night game is exactly what the doctor ordered. BYU getting bundled a week after beating us? Not so much.
3. Penn State, 4-1 (1-1). Join a long list of teams that had a chance to knock off OSU, but couldn’t seal the deal. And yeah, I’m with the rest of the internet in thinking that draw play on fourth down was stupid as hell. Franklin, your play call, woof.
4. Iowa, 3-1, (0-1).What do we consider the standard serving size of a normal Ben & Jerry’s pint? My girlfriend was appalled when I stress ate half of one during that abomination of a Cubs game earlier this week. I maintain that those things are really single servings. The container is fits in your hand, and every flavor is laced with actual crack.
Here I was thinking I was being considerate by saving half of it, only to be told that I’m a monster for eating that much in the first place. I think this is why I never buy those things. Too dangerous. I’m not too far removed from a period of my life where I told my roommates that I just wanted to give up on life and eat ice cream until the end of days.
5. Minnesota, 3-1, (0-1). Yeah I just don’t get the whole “chopping off the top of a champagne bottle with a sword” trend. Seems highly unnecessary:
But if we get content like this then I’m totally cool with it.
p.s. — bless up internet:
6. Michigan, 4-1 (2-0). Wouldn’t you know it, our game at the Big House is a night game. As someone who used to complain all the time that we needed more night games and to abolish 11 a.m. kickoffs, I should be happy. Plus I love getting after it on a Saturday night for a big UW game. But this is most likely gonna bite us in the butt at some point.
7. Michigan State, 3-1, (1-0).
8. Indiana, 4-1 (1-1). How many people reading this could name one player on the IU football roster without Googling? Three?
9. Maryland, 3-1 (1-0). God bless that woman not being able to tell if that’s a pig or a dog. Takes a lot of effort to capitalize the first letter of every word, too.
10. Illinois, 2-2 (0-1). I get all goosed up when pylon cam gets positively FACED:
Old video but perfect illustration of how you dunk on pylon cam’s stupid eye. TASTE IT, PYLON CAM.
11. Purdue, 2-3 (1-1). I’d like to officially announce that for Thanksgiving this year, I will be making an enormous prime rib roast for my family. Turkey is BORING. Not all traditions are worth embracing. Enjoy your bland chicken knock-off while we are elbow deep in perfect medium rare, well-crusted prime rib.
12. Northwestern, 1-3, (1-1). New facilities look good but your team sucks so that’s kind of a six in one half, seven in the other situation.
p.s. — not even remotely sure if that’s the correct expression (ed. note: It’s not.)
13. Rutgers, 1-4 (0-2). Looks who’s out of the basement! which takes us to…
14. Nebraska, 0-4, (0-2).CANCELED-LOSS-LOSS-LOSS-LOSS
THIS WEEK’S GAME IN HAIKU
Another night game
Must keep owning Nebraska
Do it for Melvin
I think this is k-rock. And I’ll be damned if people doing awesome things in giant costumes doesn’t always kill me.
p.s. — I have to imagine the guy in there was sweating to a level we can only dream of. This had to be him getting out of that suit:
If this is real New Zealand then I’m not sure I can handle ever going there. What an utterly bizarre, friendly, weird place. And Yoda IS the frog of the Star Wars universe!
Nothing better than a room full of people that take themselves way too seriously being completely derailed by fresh beef.
Annual reminder that we eat Nebraska’s breakfast for dinner. THE PICK:
WISCONSIN 46, Nebraska 15
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