The Bachelorette, Episode 5
I can't begin to explain much I HATE missing The Bachelorette live. No, it's not because I'm a diehard fan. It's because then I have to drag this awful show into another day of my week. It's 2016, how the hell can we not live stream on airplanes? Do better, America.
Let's get started.
Why isn't the episode opening with Chad running his fingers down the glass door like an absolute psychopath? I've been waiting TWO weeks for this ABC. What do we get instead? The boys pouring out Chad's protein powder with a little "ashes to ashes, protein to protein." Surprisingly, this was led by Wells. Wells is your dark horse. He's like a Rickie Fowler since his haircut is sneaky hot. I'm going to admit that I laughed at this protein powder memorial but just know that I hated myself for doing so.
The quotes we get out of this are great and continue to prove that most of these guys aren't straight. Robby wins bonus points with modified T-Swift lyrics. But a better use of Evan's time would be eating the protein powder dry instead of wasting it.
...and then here comes THE CHAD BEAR.
Evan definitely peed his pants a little when he heard Chad was back. CHAD BEAR is justifying why his back is against the wall, and I'm finding myself siding with him. Jordan's playing mediator. His hair looks phenomenal. Evan has on entirely too many bracelets and wants money for his ripped t-shirt. LET IT GO, EVAN. Chad did you a favor. That shirt was terrible.
Robby thinks that Alex coming back makes him America's hero. I was starting to like you, Robby, but the CHAD BEAR is the reason why this seasons recaps have been so good, and now he's gone. Let's get serious, Alex is 5'4, he's not going to be here very much longer so give me back the CHAD BEAR.
Rose Ceremony time! Evan wants us to know that by sending CHAD BEAR home it shows JoJo's serious about finding love and this process. Yeah she is, but not with a dick doctor wearing 13 bracelets. Chase steals JoJo away to roll around in those hamster balls. This is where it's confirmed all men are stupid. WHY WOULD ANY CHICK WANT TO DO THAT WHEN SHE'S ALL DRESSED UP IN A BALLGOWN?? Also, who is Chase?
Ah yes, a tradition unlike any other, POEM BOY. The best part of this is that James F. claims he's had it written for a while, it's short, and yet he still doesn't have it memorized. Poems are so awkward. I would like them all to write one.
Stop me if you've heard this before, but Evan doesn't think it's fair that some people are going back for double dipsies on JoJo time. Honestly Evan, I don't call Jordan making out with JoJo up against a wall "talking time." Natural selection, bro, look it up for me one time......except ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME?? EVAN GETS A ROSE??
SEE YA, NEVER: James F. because poems are for pussies and Daniel because Canadian is not an occupation. Daniel gives an exit interview for the ages...."clearly she's going after personality because some of those guys in there are still here, and my personality is shit." It gets better...."I've got a better chance of getting struck by lightning while shaving my face." That's an incredible line, and you should all start using it.
The crew is headed to Uruguay. I NEED the guys to pick out Uruguay on a map, and they can only go if they answer correctly. Hell, I'll even settle for the right continent. Tell me that would be bad tv, and you'd be wrong. The guys act like they know everything about Uruguay. OK and I'm a brain surgeon.
Jordan gets the one-on-one date, because DUH. With this cast of characters, if Jordan doesn't win this thing, he should consider it the biggest loss of his career. It doesn't matter what they did on the date, what matters is that at "dinner" JoJo says she met some chick in Dallas who Jordan use to date and that she told JoJo he was a cheater. Jordan takes a long sip of his drink I'm assuming because he needs to buy some time on how he's going to swing this......but first, let me get this straight, how did JoJo know before they started filming that Jordan was going on the show AND had enough time to coincidentally meet someone he used to date?? Some would say that's breaking Bachelor law, but I'll call it air conditioning privilege and move along.
JoJo: "Did you cheat?"
Jordan: "Was there talking to other girls? Yes, but there was no cheating."
JoJo: "I just don't want to get hurt"
Jordan: "My pastor said this one time......." (No, actually Jay-Z did.)
JoJo: "I was scared going into this conversation with Jordan, and I'm not scared anymore." (vomit)
I feel like I just lost a solid 3 IQ points.
Back at the house....the girls are busy reading tabloids where JoJo's hair stylist ex-boyfriend did an interview saying she wasn't here for the right reasons and freaking out about it. NONE OF YOU ARE ACTUALLY THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, so get off of your unicorns, and mix in a clue. Also, you're going to believe something an allegedly straight hair stylist named CHAD said?
The producers show the magazine to JoJo, and she acts all shocked. Hey Trina, this is the same guy who apparently left you roses to mess up your hometown date last season. OF COURSE HE DID THIS. "Coming on last season was the best thing that ever happened to me because it made me realize that I don't deserve people like him doing things like this, I deserve better." Oh, so that's the reasoning we're going with for last season being the best thing that ever happened to you? Not because you became the bachelorette? Noted.
JoJo feels the need to go talk to the guys about the tabloid. She throws in quite a few water works for extra effect. Well done. Such a joke.
Group date! Alex doesn't like Derek because he thinks he's conniving and calculated. BRO, you're the worst. I agree that Derek wearing a black t-shirt under a black suit jacket is horrifically offensive, but your ego is equally horrific, and you're delusional. Derek gets the group date rose because JoJo said she needed to reassure him. Group date roses will now be called pity roses.
Robby gets the last one-on-one, and I can't decide what I think about this goon. Oh wait, yes I can, he's never had a one-on-one date, and drops the "love" bomb. DO LESS. That is beyond unacceptable. He's not done yet though. Robby also says his best friend died texting while driving, and it's changed his perspective on life. Okay, while that's horribly tragic, don't drop that on a first one-on-one date. Just go ahead and give him the pity rose, JoJo, and let's move on.
Derek believes the house is starting to seem like a fraternity house when he's confronted about what he said to convince JoJo to give him a rose. Let me reassure you that this is not like any fraternity house I've ever been in. Derek, if you weren't in a fraternity, how do you know what a fraternity house is like? I'll hang up and listen.
Evan complains that "time is valuable, and we're going into a cocktail party and Derek decides to do this now?....It's ridiculous." Well, Evan, Derek didn't ask for you to come outside and talk. He asked Jordan, Robby, Chase, and Alex. You can scurry on ahead, but no, you have to act like a girl waiting on her friend so you can leave the bathroom together. Jordan just shuts him down real quick. I giggled.
Jokes on you pals, because JoJo cancels the cocktail party and she is ready to ship some of you out on a one way trip to the moon! Yay JoJo! 5 people going home in one episode?? Be still my heart.
See ya, never: Grant, Vinny, and goodbye dick doctor Evan. Evan is CRUSHED and it's phenomenal. I need Clay to get him on the Outkick show since he lives in Nashville IMMEDIATELY and let me grill him. It just might break the internet.
These episodes blow without Chad, but thankfully he's going on Bachelor in Paradise. Probably because he's never actually sold a house in Tulsa. There's your inside scoop and hard hitting investigative journalism -- you're welcome. Next week live tweeting will be back @MattieLouOKTC.