National Basketball Association

Til death do us part: Rebranding six unique NBA lineups

Published Jun. 30, 2017 6:28 p.m. ET

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Carter Rodriguez is a writer and editor at SBNation’s Fear the Sword covering the Cleveland Cavaliers. He also works as an Application Director at 120 Sports, a digital sports network based in Chicago. You can find him aggressively RTing everything he sees on Twitter at @Carter_Shade.

When the Warriors were courting Kevin Durant, Marcus Thompson reported that the Dubs were pitching KD with the idea of being part of a “Super Death Lineup,” featuring Stephen Curry, Klay Thompson, Draymond Green, Andre Iguodala and Shaun Livingston. Apparently paying no mind to the fact that this particular lineup would feature six players, Durant agreed to sign with the Warriors.

This created the ultimate first-world problem: What do we call this new super-unit featuring Curry, Klay, Iggy, KD and Draymond? We, of course, already exhausted “The Death Lineup,” which feels short-sighted in hindsight. What do you call a greater version of something that already invoked mortality? Some have gone with quippy ideas like the “Apocalypse Lineup,” “Nuclear Lineup” and things of that ilk, but none roll off the tongue.

Of course, there was push back to the idea of nicknaming a lineup, because, it’s a little silly. As the Finals proved, treating the Warriors “Death Lineup” as an unbeatable monstrosity was a mistake. Even with that amount of talent, certain opponents with the right combinations of talent and fit were eventually going to figure out how to take them from “unstoppable” to “potentially, maybe, sort of beatable.”

As “Death Lineup” began to rise in usage and popularity, the label was applied to other teams. The Cavaliers “Death Lineup” in the playoffs featured Richard Jefferson, Iman Shumpert and Matthew Dellavedova. That earned its own vitriol. Was any good lineup a “Death Lineup?”

I think most of these complaints are missing the point, as well as a golden opportunity. It’s a lot easier to say “The Death Lineup” than it is to say “that one unit that has Curry, Klay, Iggy, Barnes and Draymond.” Also, it’s quite a bit more fun.

It’s odd that we’ve never done this before. The dubious parallels between sports and actual, real-life war have been drawn in a thousand ways, so why not name our platoons like they do in the military? For a sport so based around team identity, it only makes sense to name the coolest five-man units around the NBA.

In that spirit, I’m taking the challenge. Let’s expand.

Mandatory Credit: Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

The Light Years Lineup

Golden State Warriors: Stephen Curry, Klay Thompson, Andre Iguodala, Kevin Durant, Draymond Green

Oh, this one was too easy. A unit that was brought together by good old-fashioned Silicon Valley ingenuity thanks to their fearless leader, Joe Lacob. Lacob’s progressive perspective built this team from the ground up with absolutely no help from Curry’s ankles suddenly working after agreeing to a below-market contract, Green accidentally becoming a star due to a David Lee injury or a new TV deal causing a huge cap spike. Nope, it’s all Lacob, and that’s why this lineup is Light Years™ ahead of the competition.

The “It Was More Fun When Kevin Was Here” Lineup

Oklahoma City Thunder: Russell Westbrook, Victor Oladipo, Andre Roberson, Enes Kanter, Steven Adams

Sorry, this feels mean and it defeats the point of having a snappy nickname that rolls off the tongue. But man, this whole unit is just going to be a horrifying cycle of perpetually driving-and-kicking to a non-shooter who will have to pump fake, drive and kick to a different non-shooter who will have to pump fake, drive and kick and this joke has probably run its course, let’s move on.

The Goliath Lineup

Sacramento Kings: DeMarcus Cousins, Skal Labissiere, Willie Cauley-Stein, Georgios Papagiannis, Kosta Koufos

Kings owner Vivek Ranadive gained national acclaim when he was featured by Malcolm Gladwell in, among other places, his book “David and Goliath” — a book about underdogs and the strategies they use to succeed. Ranadive, who knew little about basketball at the time, coached his young daughters untalented team to success by basically making them full-court press the shit out of other 8-year-old girls.

Well, Vivek is at it again! He sees that the strongest teams in the league are going small-ball, and he’s bringing his newest David strategy to the forefront by putting together a five-man Goliath. Did you think the Kings drafting roughly 17 centers in the first round was a mistake?! Little did you know, this five-man unit is going to blitz opponents with Point Boogie leading the show and by being the first lineup to inspire 10 people to stand in the paint at the same time.

Mandatory Credit: Jason Getz-USA TODAY Sports

The “The Internet Used to Love Us” Lineup

Atlanta Hawks: Dennis Schroder, Kent Bazemore, Thabo Sefolosha, Paul Millsap, Dwight Howard

Remember when the Hawks were the darling of the entire league? The baby Spurs? Well, lock that memory up, because those days are over. You’re gonna watch Schroder pound the rock Rajon Rondo-style and Howard call for countless moderately ineffective post-ups that he definitely asked for before he signed. Atlanta might not be much worse, but I’d argue they definitely got less aesthetically pleasing. It’s the new era. Have fun with all the clunky play.

The Asset Lineup

Boston Celtics: Terry Rozier, R.J. Hunter, Jaylen Brown, Guerschon Yabusele, Ante Zizic

Well, these assets sure looked a lot better when they were undefined first-round picks in the past two years and not actual, real-life players, didn’t they Mr. Ainge? You should probably cash in soon. Or don’t, your choice. It’ll probably work out anyway because the Nets are stupid.

Note: Yeah, I know Yabusele isn’t coming to the NBA this season. I’m choosing to ignore that to preserve the integrity of the joke.

The Pedigree Lineup

Philadelphia 76ers: Ben Simmons, Nerlens Noel, Dario Saric, Jahlil Okafor, Joel Embiid

I bet you thought I was going to call this the Process Lineup, but I live to subvert your expectations for my bad jokes and instead, make different bad jokes.

This would have to be in the running for the most collectively highly drafted lineup that is also terrible since the Cavaliers ran out Kyrie Irving, Dion Waiters, Anthony Bennett and Tristan Thompson (with Alonzo Gee) in spots. That’s an admirable goal, and you really need to bring size to the table if you want to go to war with the Kings.

We’ve got to get ahead of this new trend. If we’re not careful, the “Death Lineup” will become the new “Big Three” cliche. We’ve got too much creative energy as a community to be so reductive. If we’re going to do something potentially stupid like nicknaming mostly random five-man platoons, we’d better at least get it right.