Major League Baseball

We want a Hollywood-scripted Series

Published Oct. 24, 2010 1:00 a.m. ET

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We want the 2010 World Series to be like a movie.

And we don't mean some Bergman meditation on the tedium of existence.

No, we mean one of those awful Jerry Bruckheimer extravagances, the mere existence of which makes us collectively dumber — one filled with car chases, narrow escapes, plot holes, logical absurdities, beautiful people, explosions, taut finishes, rapidly unfolding chaos and not a whit of sober nuance. We want box-office juggernaut, not Palme d’Or.

Deprived of a seven-game affair since 2002, the people demand as much.

So, in keeping with these cinematic desires, we're going to provide a first look at the forthcoming Giants-Rangers clash, and we're going to do it movie-review style: one to five stars and all that, each facet of the series given the Ebert treatment. Turn off your cell phones and pass the weapons-grade popcorn.

GIANTS' OFFENSE

It's not as bad as you might think, particularly since the addition of Pat Burrell and the call-up of Buster Posey. In fact, once you correct for the run-suppressing tendencies of AT&T Park, the Giants' offense grades out as a bit above average by National League standards: They ranked sixth in the NL in OPS+ and sixth in runs scored on the road.

In terms of health, Andres Torres (hip) looks as though he'll be ready for Game 1, so that's a good thing. However, scaring up a passable DH for those three games in Arlington will be quite challenging.

Overall, the San Fran attack earns ... two-and-a-half stars. The lack of a DH, the way their tendencies line up with the strengths of the Texas defense (more on that in a moment) and their struggles against lefties (more on that in a moment) knock them down a peg.

RANGERS' OFFENSE

Like the Giants' offense, Texas' is mangled a bit by an extreme home park. Unlike the Giants, though, Texas is made to look better offensively than it really is. In the regular season, the Rangers ranked seventh in the 14-team AL in OPS+ and seventh in road runs. On the other hand, the AL is the stronger league, and in large part that's why the Rangers' offense must be considered superior to the Giants', if more narrowly than you might think. One wrinkle: Does Ron Washington risk playing Vlad Guerrero in the road games in San Fran, where there will be no DH, but there will be challenging right-field territory?

Three-and-a-half stars. Don't summon the babysitter in order to see it opening night, but it merits a place in your Netflix queue.

GIANTS' ROTATION

This, obviously, is a team strength. Tim Lincecum is one of the best pitchers in baseball, Matt Cain is one of the most underrated pitchers in baseball, and Jonathan Sanchez is capable of occasional brilliance. Behind them, Madison Bumgarner's already established himself as a steady presence. The X-factor, of course, is Sanchez. Will the Giants get the guy who dominated in the NLDS and pitched solidly in Game 2 of the NLCS, or will they be saddled with a pitcher who melted down in Game 6 against the Phillies and left the bullpen with a sherpa's burden? The series could hinge on him. Overall, though, it's an enviable unit: Four stars.

RANGERS' ROTATION

Slapping around the Yankees in six games was big for Texas. Because they didn't go to a seventh game in the ALCS, Cliff Lee, who's already proved himself to be one of the greatest postseason pitchers in the history of ever, is free to start Games 1 and 5 on regular rest. And if Washington opts for the high-risk, high-reward tack, he could start Lee in Games 4 and 7 on short rest (that seems unlikely).

Also notable is that the Rangers will likely start left-handers in four of the first six games. The Giants, in a related matter, were notably less effective against lefties this season than they were against right-handers.

Four stars, thanks largely to the sublime, Oscar-worthy chops of Lee.

GIANTS' BULLPEN

Anything having anything to do with Brian Wilson and his “Gorton's Fisherman as a young man” beard is going to have its share of awesomeness. ("Sounds delicious!")

Elsewhere, the Giants already have tied the postseason record with six one-run wins, so the relief corps is accustomed to pitching under pressure. Can they keep it up? In the middle and later innings (or, if need be, the third inning), the Giants can attack opposing hitters with a variety of arm angles, speeds and pitch types. They're especially strong from the right side.

Also, as the NLCS proved, Manager Bruce Bochy is willing to get creative in high-leverage situations. He'll use starters and he'll give the multi-inning save opp to his closer. That's a good thing, as bullpen usage in the contemporary era is far too ... La Russa-ish.

The critic's judgment? Four stars.

RANGERS' BULLPEN

During the regular season, the Rangers' bullpen was quite solid, according to underlying indicators. The Texas 'pen hasn't pitched especially well in the playoffs (the 3.64 relief ERA is nothing special, particularly in what's been a low-scoring environment), but when dealing with postseason numbers, sample-size concerns abound. They have the live arms and a shutdown closer, but Texas relievers must overcome some troubling trends. Three-and-a-half stars.

GIANTS' DEFENSE

Look at a variety of advanced defensive metrics, and it's obvious the Giants have one of the top defenses in the NL. This is one of those cases in which the sum of the parts is impressive, even while those individual parts might not be. Four stars.

RANGERS' DEFENSE

Likewise, the Rangers boast an exceptional defensive team. Shortstop Elvis Andrus is of Gold Glove caliber, and the outfield defense is worthy of stealing the greatest baseball nickname ever. Given the excellence of the Nelson Cruz-Julio Borbon-Josh Hamilton alignment and the fly-ball tendencies of the Giants' offense, it's going to be mighty tempting to leave Guerrero on the bench at AT&T. Four-and-a-half stars when Guerrero is at DH or on the pine.

Hey, Vlad's a future Hall of Famer, but these days with the glove he's a compromising presence, something that sullies an otherwise fine product. Much like Sofia Coppola in "The Godfather III."

THE FINAL TALLY

Add up that Hollywood Boulevard load of stars and you get ... 15-1/2 stars for the Rangers and 14-1/2 stars for the Giants. That leads us to this prediction: Rangers over Giants in seven. But this eternal postseason truth bears repeating: Anything can happen. So fire up the klieg lights and alert the paparazzi.

The only thing lacking for suspense? Whether Bengie Molina will get a World Series ring.

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