Mandatory Credit: Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports
Washington Nationals website District on Deck scored an exclusive memo to Santa Claus about what gifts certain players and executives wanted for Christmas.
Through an amazing stroke of luck, District on Deck has gained an exclusive memo from Santa Claus’ head elf Rudolph. The memo, featured below, features requests from members of the Washington Nationals and responses.
From a reliable, yet anonymous, source, we have determined the memo is genuine and shows tremendous insight as to what the Nats wished for on Christmas morning, aside from more egg nog and extra sleep.
Without further ado:
Dear Santa,
Per your request, here is what the elves packed on the sleigh on Christmas Eve for you to deliver. Regarding the Washington Nationals baseball team, there are gifts that needed us to improvise on. In case there is any follow up from those listed, you can respond in kind.
After you asked us to investigate how naughty or nice the team was in 2016, we determined with few exceptions that the Nats and fans were nice and worthy of their requests. Some were easier to fill than others, but we tried our best to fill each stocking and package with “Curly W’s” and packs of baseball cards. For the life of us, we still can’t figure out why they no longer include gum.
Anyway, you asked us to randomly audit four gifts and the following pages will discuss how we tried to fill their holiday shopping list.
Now that you are vacationing in Cancun, remember to lay off the hard beverages as Mrs. Claus has scheduled your physical Wednesday morning. Lay off the cookies and whole milk as it elevates your blood sugar.
Regarding specific requests…
Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports
MIKE RIZZO – A CLOSER
Nats General Manager Mike Rizzo asked us this year with help to find a closer for the team.
A quick check of the internet auction sites came back with Jonathan Papelbon as the best match. We remembered that was his wish two summers ago, but Papelbon did not work as advertised and we graciously accepted his return.
We searched for Aroldis Chapman and Kenley Jansen in our warehouses, but they were ticketed to other places. Instead, we packed an erector set for Rizzo and instructions how to turn Blake Treinen, Koda Glover and Shawn Kelley into a proper closer.
If he carefully reads the instructions and holds on to the washer and screws packed with the set, he should be able to create his own. If not, we included a few coupons good for his next trade. Other teams, we hope, still take Green Stamps.
Greg Holland came up in our search engines, but the elves in the repair department claim they are unsure he will be ready in time for Spring Training. We tucked an unlisted number in Rizzo’s stocking if he would rather have Holland or can come up with another name.
Frankly, the erector set clogged a hallway and we are glad to be rid of it.
Mandatory Credit: Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports
BRYCE HARPER – WONDERBOY
My fellow elves were surprised we had yet to receive a request from Harper this year, but a representative emailed to say the young man had recently married and was enjoying a vacation in Cabo San Lucas.
That Scott Boras, such a nice fellow. Always attending to the needs of others. Wonder how he makes ends meet.
Anyway, young Mr. Boras asked for help with Mr. Harper’s production next year at the plate. We packaged the bat Roy Hobbs gave you a few years ago—Wonderboy—at that banquet. Since you threw your back out swinging it, we didn’t think you would mind.
As the “Wonderboy” of the Nationals, it seemed to fit his needs. Boras hopes to improve Harper’s numbers back to 2015 and we do too. The lumber always gave Mr. Hobbs luck and your game-winning triple at the company softball game met extra egg nog for everyone.
With any luck, Harper can win a game or two with it next September during the playoff chase. If he doesn’t crack it, he may hit that walkoff playoff home run that young man at the laundromat was so worried about last fall. (We packed some better underwear for that poor fellow.)
Mandatory Credit: Gregory J. Fisher-USA TODAY Sports
DANIEL MURPHY – METS VOODOO DOLL
After asking for one last year, we received a nice long letter from Daniel Murphy thanking us for the gift. He regaled us with details of his 19-game hitting streak against the New York Mets. Such a thoughtful gesture.
We looked around, however, and could not find another one specific for the Mets. We checked the warehouses, but the one doll left ended up at Yankee Stadium with best wishes in next year’s “Subway Series.”
Instead, we found an older one marked National League and sent him that instead. He was so close to winning the overall batting title last year that anything we can do to put him over this year is a bonus. We put in special instructions for those tougher games against the Chicago Cubs and Los Angeles Dodgers.
Knowing how Joe Maddon instructs his pitchers to not throw strikes at times, we thought it would help him and Mr. Harper too.
The reindeer asked if we could throw in an ace bandage or two to help protect his glutes. Guess he had trouble with them late in the year.
As with last year, we know Murphy enjoyed his gift all season and took great care of it. We think he will again. Fifty doubles, maybe?
Mandatory Credit: Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports
WASHINGTON NATIONALS FANS – WORLD SERIES TICKETS
The Pez dispensers we packed in stockings last year did not go over well. Perhaps using Matt Williams head to shoot out the candy was not the best idea. Instead, we sent the dispensers this year to Philadelphia Phillies fans. Somehow the Ryan Howard figures were mixed up with the real Clay Buchholz. Anyway, they like the pitcher.
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When we offered tickets last fall to Wrigley Field, the phone lines lit up like—well, you know—a Christmas tree. Nope, they wanted no part of that. Instead, they specifically asked for World Series tickets at Nationals Park around Halloween.
We hemmed and hawed, as not even we know who gets to host those precious games every fall, but, along with glossy pictures of Adam Eaton, we said if they remained on the nice list throughout the season we would try.
The offense can do their part. Starting pitching might be the best ever in Washington, and that’s saying something. If Rizzo can get his erector set working, the Nats might have a special closer.
The fans deserve the chance. All the pieces are there, but you never know.
Poor Comet will nurse his bum leg rushing the Cleveland Browns that win before the holiday. See, sometimes we can work miracles.
Yet, a World Series in DC would not need a miracle, just a solid season of great play. The talent is there.
With that, I must retire and answer more emails from New England Patriots fans asking for the fountain of youth for Tom Brady. If only we knew where Ponce De Leon put it.
(We wish you readers nothing but the best this holiday season. Thanks for spending time with us. Go Nats!)
