Game of Thrones Season Six, Episode 8
Okay, before I even start writing about tonight's episode can we all just pause for a moment and consider how incredible next week's "Game of Thrones" is going to be?
Here's the preview if you missed it. (Thanks to all of you who sent it along to me on Twitter.)
BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS.
I. Can't. Wait.
This is going to be better than any movie out this summer.
Here we go with our countdown.
1. A bleeding Arya goes to the actress to save her.
Somehow the actress, who first makes all her fans cry saying goodbye to Joffrey in the method Arya had suggestd, is able to bind up Arya's stab wounds from the evil bitch assassin and she gives her soup and some sleeping powder and Arya is fine.
Sorry, but this is just bullshit.
First, I'm no expert on stab wounds, but if you get stabbed multiple times in the stomach by a trained assassin, you aren't able to talk and eat right after. This is just thoroughly unbelievable. And I'm clearly willing to believe in the unbelievable in this show. Hello, dragons, black magic and more dickless men than a Deadspin pool party already exist. Thrones, like all fantasy works, has a strong element of magical realism. There's plenty of magic involved, but it hews to a realistic story line. The fantastical elements of the story don't overwhelm the narrative structure, they strengthen it.
Except for here.
This entire Arya Stark storyline has been a total waste and I simply don't buy this resolution of last week's cliffhanger.
But we'll get to the full conclusion of this story later. In the meantime Arya miraculously gets nursed back to health after she should be dead.
(SPOILER ALERT: This reminds me of the last season of "Homeland" when Quinn goes off to die and get picked up by a random Muslim doctor. Next thing you know he's getting blood transfusions and the terrorists plotting against Germany happen to be located in the same building. I mean, come on. Do I have to be employed reading scripts to tell my favorite shows when their storylines are complete bullshit.)
2. A dude gets fingerbanged in the ass and then gets his head chopped off.
Talk about a rough way to go.
Tell me a more badass scene than the Hound walking up on the camp with just an ax in his hand. There are four dudes there and they all know they're done for.
They all start running.
And how about the last guy the Hound kills?
I'm not sure there has ever been a more badass death scene than this: "Fuck you," says the guy the Hound just ax chopped to death in the dick. Then the Hound says: "Those are your last words? Fuck you? Come on, you can do do better," the guy calls him a cunt, and then the Hound says, "You're shit at dying."
You're shit at dying?
I love the Hound.
3. We got another hot lord of light priestess preaching in Meereen with perfect boobs.
Related news: I'm not a religous guy, but I'm team lord of lights.
Varys is off for a special mission and Tyrion says he's, "The most famous dwarf in the world."
I mean, was this ever in doubt? What's his competition? That's like bragging about being the best basketball player in North Dakota.
4. "I choose violence," says Cersei, when the High Sparrow demands she come meet him.
The Mountain rips a guy's head off, but in a chess move to counteract the Mountain the High Sparrow persuades PC Bromani King Tommen to eliminate trial by combat in the kingdom. Now a jury will decide Loras and Cersei's fates.
This leaves Cersei asking her adviser whether the rumors are true.
But which rumors?
POTENTIAL SPOILER: it appears to be a reference to the flammable devices that the Mad King was prepared to use to burn down the city before Jaime Lannister killed him. (Some of this was used against Stannis Barratheon's fleet when Tyrion commanded the King's Landing defense several seasons ago). This also seems to tie back in with Bran's vision just before the most sexy man in "Game of Thrones," Benjen Stark, saved him.
So could Cersei be planning to burn down the temple with the Sparrows all inside?
I hope so.
5. Lady Brienne and Jaime meet again while Bronn and Podrick also converse.
Bronn strangles Podrick from behind and then asks him whether he thinks Brienne and Jaime will bang. God, I love Bronn.
Meanwhile Podrick brags about how he's been training for two hours a day in how to fight with a sword.
Inside the tent Brienne convinces Jaime to let her try and persuade the Blackfish to abandon River Run and go fight for Winterfell with the Starks. Jaime relents after refusing to accept his sword back.
There's so much smoldering sexual tension here I'm not even sure Valyrian Steel could cut through it.
Brienne enters the castle and delivers the letter -- note, the letter Sansa was writing at the end of episode seven was sent to Little Finger -- so she wrote two letters. (As I've stated before, Little Finger saying it was "time to enter the fray," was likely a play on words and I anticipate him attacking Lord Frey.)
Blackfish refuses to relinquish the castle so Brienne tells Podrick to send a raven, "Tell her (Sansa) I failed," she says.
6. Tyrion wants to own a vineyard and make a wine called, "The Imp's Delight."
Prediction: This wine will now become one of the best selling wines in the United States within a year. Hopefully, "Game of Thrones" has already copyrighted it.
Tyrion continues to have bad drinking partners in Grey Worm and Missandei, but he convinces both of them to tell jokes.
Just as the merriment seems about to escalate, uh oh, there are ships sailing into the bay. (My first thought is that maybe Yara has left the whorehouse and she and Theon have arrived. But it wasn't to be.)
7. The Frey captive, Edmure Tully, converses with Jaime inside his tent.
Jaime says that Catelynn Stark's love for his children reminds him of Cersei's love for her children.
Edmure asks Jaime, "How do you tell yourself that you're decent?"
Jaime makes it clear that all he cares about now is his love for Cersei, "I love Cersei," he says, "and to get back to her I have to take River Run." He continues: "If I have to slaughter every Tully that ever lived to get back to her, that's what I'll do."
(Is Jaime overcompensating here because he also loves Brienne?)
8. Jaime releases Edmure Tully to River Run.
Blackfish doesn't want to permit him inside, but Edmure's the lord of the castle. Edmure enters and demands that all soldiers put down their weapons.
Presumably Jaime has allowed Edmure to relinquish the castle in exchange for the right to join Jon Snow's army, but we don't know that yet for sure.
Meanwhile the Blackfish helps Brienne and Podrick escape, but refuses to join them. "I haven't had a proper sword fight in years, I expect I'll make a damn fool of myself," he says.
Later we see Jaime on the castle walls. He receives word that the Blackfish has been killed in combat and looks out as Brienne and Podrick escape. Both raise their hands in salute.
9. Daenerys arrives amidst the master's attack on the kingdom.
The decision here is simple, right? She has to release the dragons from the temple and allow both of them to join Drogon in attacking the ships.
10. The Hound kills two of the men who killed his friends -- sweet revenge for Al Swearengen's death -- and then takes the boots off one of the men as he's hanging.
The men who serve the lord of lights -- including the man the Hound has already killed once before that man was brought back to life -- try and persuade the Hound to join them.
The Hound has a great line that is particularly resonant given today's awful news in Orlando, "Lots of horrible shit gets done in the world for something larger than ourselves."
11. The Terminator bitch -- seriously, she behaves just like the bad guy in Terminator 2 -- kills the actress.
Arya flees from the Terminator bitch until she finally ends up in a dark room, where she pulls Needle out and cuts off the light.
A blood trail in the temple leads to the Terminator bitch's face on the wall.
Arya has finally killed the Terminator bitch, but does anyone actually care?
Jaquen H'ghar says, "Finally, a girl is no one."
But Arya responds, "A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell and I'm going home."
Unfortunately the line doesn't land with the force the writers hoped, I would imagine that most of us are simply glad this Bravos storyline is finally over.
Having said that, I cannot wait for next week's episode. Could Jon Snow, Arya, Bran, Sansa, and Rickon all get the Stark band back together in Winterfell? I hope so.
Think about all that may happen in the final episode: the white walkers are likely to breach Castle Black, Daenerys has to win her battle, Yara and Theon are at sea, the High Sparrow conflict in King's Landing has to be resolved, hopefully we get resolution from inside the Tower of Joy, and the fall out from the Battle of the Bastards must be unpacked.
So much is going to happen in the next two weeks.
Here's our discussion tonight as soon as the show ended. If you haven't been watching these on Periscope or Facebook Live, what are you doing with your life?