Anonymous Mailbag

Anonymous Mailbag

Published Dec. 13, 2016 9:53 a.m. ET

It's Tuesday and the anonymous mailbag is here to make your day spectacular. 

I just finished the morning Outkick the Coverage show and I want to continue to make y'all aware of new affiliates as they happen. So if you live in Nashville or the surrounding area our entire show now airs on 1510 WLAC from 5-8 am central. We will be adding Atlanta on January 2 and the show will air from 6-9 et on AM 1340 and FM 103.7. So those are two massive markets for us to add.

More will be coming soon.

The morning show podcast goes up here without commercials so you can listen to the entire show will you pretend to work as well.


Okay, on to the mailbag.  

As always you can email me at and total anonymity is guaranteed for your questions.

Here we go: 

"All I hear around the office is the wives wondering what to get their husbands for Christmas. No, he doesn't want a new travel coffee mug. No, he doesn't want new undershirts.  No, DO NOT buy him a jersey of his favorite player. Two years ago my wife gave me a book of sex vouchers. Yes, sex. Yes, vouchers. 

We have all bought the book from the high school football team for $10 that gives a free burger at McD's or a free cone at Dairy Queen. So my wife came up with the idea of giving me a book with sex vouchers. AND IT IS AWESOME. The first year was very plain and normal. 25 vouchers and most were just labeled "Sex when you want it." They could be redeemed at any time. There were also a couple "free bj's" and "free handjob" vouchers. 

This past year got even better. There was one for "sex with the naughty student" and "person of your choice gets tied up." My personal favorite was "sex while watching football." As an added bonus, she has legal discliamers on the back. One of them was that if she was able to orgasm twice in the redemption of a voucher, said voucher could be used again at a later time.

Needless to say, I can't wait for my present this year.

So ladies, don't spend any money, get your man a sex voucher book. Leave it to a gay Muslim to spread Christmas cheer and tell these wives what their husbands really want."

Every single married man reading this right now would rather get a sex voucher book from his wife than any other gift she could come up with for Christmas. In fact, if your husband doesn't want this from you, I hate to break it to you, but he's probably gay. (Or banging so many other women on the side that he isn't interested in sleeping with you). 

Next year Outkick needs to start selling sex voucher books. We could sell tens of thousands of these, I bet.

As always, my number one piece of marital advice for women is simple -- screw your husbands more. This should be your number one move to try and cure all marital strife. 

I guarantee your husband will be better to live with if you bang him more. 

"My husband and I have been married 10 years and have two young sons. My husband makes a lot of money and basically buys himself whatever he wants. He's also a pretty fantastic husband and father.

Now that you have the background, he's specifically asked me for one thing this Christmas, which is fairly rare. Usually, he says that he doesn't want anything, and I end up buying some expensive gift he pretends to like. This year, he apparently wants blowjob coupons for a BJ at least once a month. I'm happy to oblige what I see as a simple request, but I feel like I'm missing something. We have really regular sex, and he already gets more full on BJs (not just pre-sex BJs) than any of my friends' husbands, based on my discussions with my friends. Am I supposed to take this request as an insult or a compliment? Also, how can I spice this up? I'm thinking along the line of like "at work BJ," "in the car BJ," etc.

What do you think the economic impact would be if every wife in America gave this free gift to her husband for Christmas instead of giving him some gift he didn't want? Wouldn't the divorce rate the next year go down by at least 10-20% if every wife followed through on the gift? Lastly, what am I supposed to tell my family and (not close) friends that I gave my husband for Christmas when they inevitably ask? I can't exactly tell his sisters and my brothers that I promised him a dozen kinky blowjobs! Merry Christmas!"

See?! These emails arrived the same week with no connection to each other. Sex voucher presents are starting to sweep the nation. 

Your husband's request for blow job vouchers is a clear endorsement of your blow job acumen. Feel honored.

Sex vouchers are the best kind of present not just because of the sex, but, most importantly, for the enjoyment you get thinking about when to use the sex vouchers. You know how the best part of most vacations is looking forward to the vacation? Anticipation is the spice of life. I'm not kidding about this, every single husband reading the mailbag today is drooling at the idea of his wife giving him a booklet of sex vouchers.  

I'm the same way as your husband, I can buy myself anything I want. So when people ask me what I want for Christmas, there is absolutely nothing that I want. (The only places I shop are Amazon and Costco. If I want something, which is rare, I just buy it for myself.)

So if you give me a present then you either have to come up with something creative that I don't even know that I want or you do what I tell my in-laws and parents, "Just spend the money you would have spent on me and buy more for the kids and my wife."

As for what you tell your friends and family that you got your husband instead of blow jobs, give him Costco or Amazon gift certificates. At least that way when he buys things, he's saving the money that you spent on presents he didn't actually want or need.

Honest thought, if wives stopped buying shitty Christmas gifts for their husbands and gave him what he really wants, sex, instead, are we talking about billions less in retail sales? Would "Sharper Image" and Dockers go bankrupt over blow jobs replacing their shitty products as gifts? I think my might.

I'd love to see the CEO of Dockers on CNBC saying that he's shutting down the company because sex vouchers just did them in. "So it turns out that everything we sold for Christmas got replaced by wives sleeping with their husbands instead. Turns out guys didn't want shitty clothes and ties, they wanted sex instead. Who knew? Total bummer. Only thing good to come out of it is that my wife really banged me last night for the first time in a decade. Yep, I got sex vouchers for Christmas too." 

"Big fan. One of my really good friends is in the Air Force and has drawn the short straw in regards to deployment. Over the last 7 years he's been to Iraq, Afghanistan, and South Korea. We've kept in touch over that time, and I've gone out of my way to make sure my wife and I see him when I can. 

He was discharged in October and is settling some things up with his ex-wife and spending time with his 3 year old son. I live in Oklahoma City and he lives in Northwest Arkansas - which is about a 3 hour drive. He's a big OSU fan, and I'm a big OU fan - so Bedlam has always been our annual guy's weekend where we get fucked up and make a toast to wherever he's going next. 

He ditched me this year because he was planning on hooking up with a girl who he's admitted there is not future with. This is something he's done more than the average guy - mainly because he only has so much time to work with when he was deployed. 

He's put in his time (in more ways than one), and I'm not about to start making him feel guilty for making up for lost time. But, it makes me wonder. How many times can a dude ditch a close buddy for random strange before you should start taking offense to it? While I don't want to act like a girl and make him feel guilty, I also realize we're not in college anymore. At some point, it should be a grown man smack in the face to me shouldn't it? What say you?"

Give him a year to acclimate to stateside living. He served in Afghanistan and Iraq and if you've seen the women on the bases and in those countries he probably built up a huge pussy deficit there. So he's got to get back to even pussy before he cares about football games with buddies.

Toss in the divorce and this dude might literally be so far down in the pussy deficit category -- if this were a video game your buddy might be like one punch from death -- that he's gone for over ayear. 

I'd eventually bring up the ditching and say you're fine with being ditched in the future, but it can only happen for smoking hot girls. Yep, more #hotgirlprivilege

I suspect that once he fills up his pussy tank and erases his multi-year pussy deficit, he'll return to normal football activities with you. 

But #dbap so don't bring this up for a while. 

"I'm 22 and finishing up college at the end of this week. I met a hot girl last weekend at a bar and I was pretty drunk so the only thing I remember was her hotness. We made out a little and then she left and that was that. The next day I text her and she apologizes for lying about her age and tells me that she's actually 18 and a freshman. She then proceeds to tell me that she wants to bang. I add her on instagram and she legitimately looks like a 15 or 16 year old (and acts like it), but ya know.. still super hot. It is confirmed that she is of age. I've been contemplating taking your advice and taking the "low road", which in this case means smashing a girl that's way too young. Keep in mind I'm moving out of this town in a week and I'll probably never see her again, so whats the play here?" 

Since when has the "low road" involved banging an 18 year old freshman when you're 22? That's aspirational level living as far as I'm concerned. 

Take a lesson from an old married man, as long as you don't get her pregnant you will never regret sleeping with a hot 18 year old.


Words to live by for all of you college kids out there who are acting like total pussies over your final exams. "Oh, my life is over if I don't get an A in Biology! I've got to know how the Punnett Square works. What color eyes are my kids going to have?!"

Suck it up buttercup, you're going to be fine.  

"I'm an avid reader of your site and the mailbag, but I never thought I'd be the one who would have to write in about something. That all changed this weekend.

My wife and I had a weekend away from our daughter to enjoy some time for just us. We were getting down to business and I started to go down on her before she told me to stop. This caused an argument because unlike some guys, I'm a huge fan of going down on my wife. She let me know that she hates it and when I'm down there all she thinks about is when am I going to stop. Now, I'm not going to claim to perform magic while down low, but I do know that I'm not bad at it. Anyway, she said she's repulsed by it (she wasn't at the beginning of our relationship, but she also said she was too scared to say anything).

What's my play here? It's something I like doing, but she hates it. Do I suck it up and just stop trying? By doing that I think it takes out some of the fun in the bedroom, and when you're married with children you need to have as much fun as possible."

Does she really not like it or is she more uncomfortable about that move from you now that she had a baby? That's what I'd explore. She may be feeling less secure about her body or body odors after having a kid.  

If she truly doesn't like it, I'm not sure how you can persuade her to start liking it other than by being incredible at going down on her. And if she doesn't like it, you clearly aren't incredible. (It's probably not you though, this sounds like an issue for her. Although, it could be you. Guys can't fake orgasms, women do it all the time. So it's hard to know what she's actually got going on.)

That's why I'd suggest trying to find other ways to spice things up. So she's not into oral sex with you, okay, what is she into that you guys aren't doing already? You know what sounds like a perfect solution to this problem?

Sex vouchers. 

(I'm starting to think sex vouchers would solve all of America's problems. We're gonna make sex great again!)

Also, the next time that she's drunk try to go down on her again. She may be less inhibited then. If she still says no, then sex vouchers will save your marriage. 

"I'm a college baseball coach and had a recruit on campus last week that I had never met, only spoke to on the phone. I met him and his family at our field for the first time and as they were getting out of their car, I walked towards them to make my introductions. The kid gets out of the car first and I introduce myself, followed by his mom. I ask them how they are doing and they give pretty stock answers. As the dad gets out of the car I notice he is on crutches. Expecting a leg or ankle injury I immediately say, "Oh, it looks like you're not doing very good these days!"

In the middle of this sentence I glance down and notice he is missing a leg. Oh no. I didn't know how to recover from this so I just stopped talking but his reply was "Yeah, this is permanent."

Clearly I felt terrible and like an idiot and now I had to spend the next hour walking the family around campus and making sure we don't go up too many stairs! In the end, it turns out he is not a good enough player to make an offer to but I feel a little obligated to give him a scholarship! Do I wear this one for my stupidity or just move on?"

Yeah, "This is permanent," is actually a pretty understated funny response from the legless guy. 

If I didn't have a leg I'd work on responses when people say something awkward like this. My go to would be, "Yeah, I don't have a leg, but it's still better than having a tiny dick like you."

Dick humor, it brings everybody together! 

You're not obligated to give the kid a scholarship since as faux pas's go this is fairly minor. Do you think Nick Saban is offering some kid because he insulted the dad? No way.

But if two kids are totally even and the deciding factor on the scholarship is between the kid whose dad you insulted and the kid whose dad you didn't insult, I'd factor in good karma and take the kid whose dad you insulted.  

"Something great happened to me the other day. As I get out of my morning shower, my girlfriend is doing her makeup in the bathroom and looks at me and says, "Morning babe, you are having a great dick day." Needless to say this was a great start to my day and put me in a great mood heading to work. What a great thing for her to say (whether she meant it or not). I wanted to send this in to encourage and educate other girlfriends and wives, it is such a simple yet effective compliment to cheer up and motivate their men to start the day.

I am still debating weather or not to tell her "you're having a great ass day" sometime in the near future. Do you think this could reflect negatively for her? She has a great ass but I don't want her to think it doesn't always look tremendous."

I'd suggest complimenting the clothes on top of the ass instead of the ass. 

Something like, "Your ass always looks good, but in that (dress, pants, underwear) your ass looks phenomenal."

Also, underrated piece of advice, compliment a girl's earrings. Trust me. It's something that has nothing to do with a sexy part of their body so you're basically complimenting their taste. The earrings are the least sexual thing any woman wears. Killer move to deliver an earring compliment. Plus, it makes you look less perverted than you actually are because you're focusing on something other than her boobs or ass or legs. (Which you will clearly have already analyzed in your head.) Also, if you're at work, it's nearly impossible to sexually harass someone with an earring compliment. (Unless you tell her how much you want to slap your dick on her ears. And even that's too perverted for most of you perverts to think of.)

Props to your girlfriend for delivering the good dick day compliment. Ladies, you want to ensure your husband or boyfriend goes out there and conquers the world?

Tell him he's having a good dick day when he gets out of the shower tomorrow morning. 


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And, ladies, also get to work on making your husbands or boyfriends the sex voucher books for Christmas. 

I promise you it will be the best present you ever give him.