All That and a Bag of Mail: Blake Bortles Girlfriend Would Not Drown

BY foxsports • December 20, 2013

This is the last mailbag before Christmas.

My gift to you?

Lindsey Duke, the girlfriend of UCF quarterback Blake Bortles. 

Go check her out on Google image search.

This UCF-Baylor game definitely needs a Lindsey Duke cam throughout the entire game. And if, for some reason, she's not traveling for this game due to cost, Outkick will pay for you to go Lindsey. 

We all love you. 

Very much. 

Our beaver pelt trader of the week is this dad. 

Priceless. 

Sometimes you got to toughen up the kids.

Now back to Lindsey Duke. 

This should be the entire Central Florida quarterback recruiting pitch. 

George O'Leary just walks in to the living room, puts this picture down and says, "Okay, so we'll see you in July. Nice chat."

"Lots of you on Twitter, Facebook and email, what about Bruce Pearl coming back to Tennessee? Could this really happen?"

Yes, it could really happen. 

Here's the deal, everyone in positions of power at Tennessee has told all the media that UT will never hire Bruce Pearl again. 

But you have to look through this denial. 

Why would Tennessee say that? Because if they don't say it then Cuonzo Martin has no chance. They're trying to give Cuonzo breathing room from the Pearl shadow. But if Cuonzo doesn't go to the NCAA tourney again this year -- and it's looking like he won't -- then he's gone and Pearl's the only logical replacement. 

Yesterday we opened up 3HL phone lines and said, "If you do not want Tennessee to hire Bruce Pearl, call in."

No one called to argue that. 

Not one person. 

This is as close to 100% agreement as I've ever seen any fan base in sports. As if that unanimity wasn't enough, if Tennessee doesn't hire Pearl then Alabama or Georgia will. Which means that Pearl will come into Knoxville and beat whatever clown UT has hired to replace Cuonzo. 

I feel really strongly about this. If someone in the Tennessee administration truly tries to block this hire, I think fans should demand that person be fired. It's a no brainer and I think it will happen. 

Please keep me anonymous writes:

"Assume that God is in heaven and when you die you go to meet with him about your sins.  How creepy would it be if he had a complete sexual history of your sexual wrongdoings? Everything you've ever done. Every time you've pleasured yourself since you were 12, I mean EVERYTHING. How long would the conversation last for most people?"

No one talks about how odd heaven would be if you break it down from a purely logical perspective. 

Can you imagine a mystical figure who created the world reading through your sexual history while you waited to enter the pearly gates? What if your mom and grandma are waiting on the other side of the gate, but they can overhear all the ridiculous stuff you did?

"Jimmy buttchugged and then made out with his fraternity brother before passing out naked in the shower. Upon waking up he called his "girlfriend" and demanded she let him give her a pearl necklace while she hummed the Rocky theme song."  

How does He have time for all of our sins?

Does God have angel sin deputies to do this work for him?

It's got to be like the sexual DMV, right?

What if you got stuck behind Wilt Chamberlain in line? You're like, "Jesus, can we just skip over some of this? He banged a ton of chicks and did some really freaky stuff. We get it. I was already jealous of him, now it just feels like gloating since we're clearly both going to heaven."

Can you skip line to get into heaven faster? No matter where I am I'm always trying to size up lines to get through them the fastest. I get really upset when I pick the longest line. I'm pretty sure I'd do it in heaven too. For instance, if you see nuns up ahead of you can you try and get behind them because you assume they're more godly and the line would be shorter?

Because I swear to God if Jenna Jameson and I die on the same date and time and it's all chronological I am going to be so pissed about the wait.  

Plus, does God really read all your sexual history and frown down at you.

Will God be like, "Clay Travis, you have masturbated 47,598 times since you turned 12 years old."

Then does he itemize all the things I thought about while I masturbated? (I'm sorry Kliff Kingsbury.)

God would seem like a really big pervert then, wouldn't he? 

That's my thing with God in general, if he's really keeping track of our sexual histories, I'm going to be disappoitned. I think He should have better things to do.

Yeah, yeah, great you caught me jerking off to a stolen Playboy when I was 13. You caught me. Now how about the genocide you let happen?  

Justin F. writes:

"Watching Ace Ventura the other night had me wonder.....if XYZ player (Dan Marino) got kidnapped right before the XYZ event (Super Bowl, BCS Championship, etc), what would a league do!? Play on? Would the NBA postpone for LeBron? NFL for Peyton? NCAA for Heisman player?"

It depends on how popular the player is. 

For quarterbacks before the Super Bowl, yes. (Even Rex Grossman). For star NBA players, yes. Same with major league baseball stars.

But I think the game would go on with 90% of kidnappings because the player isn't that big of a deal to the outcome.

How long would the game be postponed though? I don't think we could go longer than two weeks. After that, the game would happen. 

Can you imagine Vegas line moves on this angle?

The best part about a player kidnapping would be Jay Glazer somehow having a source with the kidnappers.

Because you know he would.

Fox would cut to him and Glazer would be like, "The kidnappers tell me they don't want to harm Peyton Manning, but they will if we don't release fourteen prisoners in Guantanamo Bay."

He'd finish that report and then he'd be like, "It's interesting because the guys I talked to at Guantanamo Bay..."

Fifteen minutes later the ESPN scroll would say, "Sources, terrorists don't want to harm Peyton Manning." 

Frustrated writes:

"Clay,

Things weren't always tense in my family around the holidays....that is, until my brother got married. Let's suffice to say that his wife makes the holidays hard on everyone. My wife and I are pretty level headed, but we do have a really difficult time being around them for extended periods of time. Obviously, drinking seems like the best solution to make the holidays somewhat tolerable. My folks are ultra conservative and do not drink or allow alcohol in the house, so it isn't an easy task to accomplish. One of us typically drinks a roadie on the way to the family gathering, but that leave the other one high and dry. Is it wrong to carry airport bottles and secretively spike our drinks once we get to the family gathering?"

I'd say you have to do this. 

In fact, there are tons of people nodding along right now.

Some holiday gatherings are so awful you can only withstand them if you're drinking. That's why egg nogg exists. 

Good luck. 

Maybe you'll get lucky and your brother will get divorced soon. 

Scott F. writes:

"I thought the Youngstown Boys ESPN 30 for 30 was pretty well done. It also amazes me that Clarett is willing to forgive the people.

My question to you is though, did it seem to you that Jim Tressel only came to Maurice's aid AFTER he was no longer the Ohio State coach?

I thought the documentary missed the mark by not focusing on Tressel hanging his star player out to dry in order to save his reputation and the reputation of Ohio State. Clay,"

I agree with you. I thought Jim Tressel seemed like a total asshole when he just got out of the way when Clarett got kicked off the team. Especially since early in the movie they made it clear that Clarett had trust issues and was in search of a father figure. Then right after he's won you the BCS title, he has a run-in with the NCAA and you let him get thrown to the wolves? He looked like the worst kind of coaching hypocrite out there, a guy who only cared about himself when he's been preaching team and trust from the moment he was hired. 

My only thought in Tressel's defense was -- they had to find a lot more stuff that Clarett was doing than what went public.. They took the evidence to Tressel and he was like, "Damn, okay." Then he just kept quiet to avoid Ohio State getting in more trouble than they already were. (We already know that Tressel will definitely keep quiet if he thinks Ohio State could be in big trouble.)

The only two things I wish we had more of was the interview with the guy in LA that got Clarett in trouble partying with porn stars and the like. Also, the Israeli gangster angle. Clarett wearing a yarmulke and partying with Israeli gangsters is just too good to not explore further.

Merry Christmas, Here's more Lindsey Duke.  

 

Corey M. writes:

"I am dropping my son at his preschool last week. I stop by the kitchen area to grab some coffee and there sits a father with his two year old son and three year old daughter. The man asks his son the following question: "Son, if you accidentally fell and hit one of your friends, what should you say?"

The son without any hesitation says "Roll Tide!"

I spit my coffee out in laughter. I turn around and the dad is of course dressed head to toe in Alabama gear.

It got more hilarious when the dad responds back and says "Yes, son that is a good answer but you should ALSO say sorry.

I highlight ALSO because the dad acknowledged Roll Tide was a proper response if you hit your friends as long as you say sorry."

A while back someone wrote me to suggest the rest of America take over Roll Tide. 

Only instead of saying it as a positive expression, we say it every time we see or do something stupid, or experience frustration. 

I've started and suggest you do the same. 

Jeffrey W. writes:

"Had Manziel auctioned off the opportunity to partake in the festivities of his 21st birthday, what do you think the winning bid would have been?"

Probably a million dollars. 

And it would be some recently divorced Texas oil man who was like 53 years old and he'd beat out a dozen other recently divorced Texas oil men and a few hedge fund managers too. .

No one under the age of fifty -- short of one of the tech titan hundred millionaires -- would have won the bidding because it wouldn't have meant enough to them.

Why?

Because when you're young you take turning 21 for granted. You assume there will always be a ton of awesome, single friends to hang out with and your whole life is just one big party. Then real life happens and pretty soon you're hoping to snag two beers on the way home from work with your buddies at 6:15 at the Chili's bar and your wife won't stop texting you to GO BUY DIAPERS and not to forget to pick up the WHOLE MILK DAMMIT, NOT THE SKIM MILK. YOU ALWAYS GET THE WRONG KIND of MILK.

And you're staring down at your phone thinking to yourself, what the hell have I done with my life?

So you have a mid-life crisis and you bid a million dollars to go to Johnny Manziel's 21st birthday party in Las Vegas and about halfway through the first night, as a dozen twenty-something strippers writhe all over your body, you lean over to Johnny Manziel and say, "I would have spent two million dollars for this."

Chrisnolongerstpete Tweets:

"If a girlfriend says she doesn't want a Christmas gift and you don't buy one, what's the chances you're single new years?"

High. 

Just buy her lingerie at Victoria's Secret.

You both win.  

Justin writes:

"Clay,

Need your opinion. My buddies and I went on a trip to Tampa for spring training in 2011. Saw the Yanks play, went to Mons Venus, you know, typical Tampa trip.

Two of the six of us are now married and my one buddy with a girlfriend brought up trying to do the trip again in 2014. I am all for it but said we should bring the wives and girlfriends this time around. Seeing as how my wife is from Tampa, there really isn't a way I will be able to go to Tampa without her. As a compromise, I suggested one or two nights we split up and the guys can do their thing and the girls theirs. It wasn't exactly met with favor among the group.

Am I wrong here? I thought my alternative met the needs of everyone and saved me the agony of a pointless argument. I figured you could settle this for me."

Every single person reading this, probably including your wife, knows that you really just want to go to Mons Venus again. 

I don't blame you. 

That place is spectacular.

Having said that, if you're in Tampa for a week or so, doesn't your wife not want to be with you at least one night too? Solution? Bribery. Make reservations for she and her mom at a great spa. While they're there, you can go to Mons Venus with your buddies.   

...

Outkick the Podcast is now on Soundloud as well. You can listen to them all here.

Here are the two most recent:

 Kliff Kingsbury

Charissa Thompson


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