National Football League

Diary Of A Franchise Savior

December 28, 2020

By Charlotte Wilder
FOX Sports columnist

Dec. 27, 2020

Dear Diary, 

Wow! I feel like I’ve been holding my breath all year, but I can finally exhale: I don’t have to play for the Jets

I know what you’re thinking. The Jets have two wins, and the Jaguars have one, why would I rather play for Jacksonville? Because at least they committed to tank for me. The Jets couldn’t even win at losing. Plus, Jacksonville is warm and they have Bojangles there. Do New Yorkers even know about Chicken Supremes?

I think Gardner Minshew and I are gonna get along well. He texted me already and said, "Hey, cowboy, hope you’re ready to fire up the jet skis." So I don’t think there will be any hard feelings about me taking his starting job. 

If the Jags pick me, that is! Can’t get ahead of myself. 

Anyway, gotta go, Dabo just called to say he’s outside. We’re going to Bojangles, and I might even get a Diet Coke to celebrate. 

Later,
Trevor

________

April 29, 2021

Dear Diary,

Wow! Well, I’m officially a Jacksonville Jaguar! They picked me first overall. Mr. Goodell gave me the hat and everything. It was pretty surreal. He whispered, "Please, for the love of god, don’t get hurt in your rookie season" and looked a little pale and sweaty. But I’m sure it’ll be fine. 

Doing the draft in person in Cleveland is 100 percent better than having to do it on Zoom. But everywhere I go, Browns fans keep saying, "You’re welcome for that Jets loss," like I owe them something? I was like, guys, I get it, but don’t pretend your team lost that game for me. They’re the Browns, they can’t help it. Except one of the fans started crying, and then I felt kinda bad. 

No shade to Baker, though. He let me stay at his place. There was tons of open air, fresh grass and plenty of fountain drinks. He sleeps in the press box and leaves whoopee cushions under reporter’s chairs if they write bad things about him. He offered me a ton of Progressive home insurance, but I don’t have a house yet. 

Oh, fudge, I gotta go. There’s a Jets fan wearing a trenchcoat holding a boombox up outside the window of my hotel room playing "In Your Eyes" again. Time to get security back here.  

Later,
Trevor

________ 

May 1, 2021

Dear Diary, 

Trying to figure out where to live in Jacksonville. I Googled it, and according to Wikipedia, there’s a neighborhood called Brooklyn. Would Jets fans think I’m trolling them? I don’t want to make them feel worse, but maybe then they’d stop following me around. It’s getting out of hand. 

Gardner texted me the other day and said, "Hey, hombre, they’ve got great deals on houseboats on Fleming Island right now. We could be neighbors. Think about it."

I think it sounds fun. Gonna check it out. He told me to call Blake Bortles, apparently he sells houseboats now? We’ll see. 

Later,
Trevor

________ 

June 15, 2021

Dear Diary,

Man, been awhile since I last wrote. So much has happened — guess I haven’t filled you in on how Blake tried to steal my identity, but it’s a long story and doesn’t really matter. We worked it out. 

I ended up finding a legit realtor and bought a houseboat next to Gardner’s (Baker helped me insure it). Gardner stays there half the time, the other half he lives in his RV in the Bubba Gump Shrimp parking lot. He’s always bringing shrimp over, and I’m like, dude, I don’t like shrimp. But he’s like, "You’ve never tried it!"

He has a point. 

This might sound weird, but Gardner has great tips for keeping long hair shiny. Head and Shoulders wants us to be in an ad together. Gardner was like, "Nah, I only use Garnier Fructis" and I was like buddy, cmon, they’d pay us a TON. For $2 mil, you could pretend you use Head and Shoulders. So I think he’ll come around. 

Anyway, gotta head to practice. Hopefully those Jets fans aren’t waiting by my car again. They just stand there and hold up signs that say "What Could Have Been." 

Later,
Trevor

________ 

June 29, 2021

Gardner finally got me to try shrimp and I got food poisoning from it. And if that wasn’t bad enough, a few Jets fans left Pedialyte by the dock of my houseboat. How did they know I was sick???? More later. 

Feeling a tad nauseous,
Trevor

________ 

July 8, 2021

Dear Diary,

Wow, I didn’t write after I said I would, sorry. I feel a lot better, but that was a rough few days. Coach Belichick couldn’t believe I actually ate shrimp from Bubba Gumps. But I was just trying to be nice to Gardner, you know? He was really sad after getting cut from the team. Figured the least I could do was eat shrimp with him.  

Also, Offensive Coordinator Saban started this week and he has been super helpful. I was worried it’d be a little uncomfortable after we smoked Alabama in 2019, but he’s been very chill about it. You know he has Dabo in his phone "Dabo Swine-y?" He showed me that and told me not to tell anyone. I laughed, but I didn’t tell him he’s in Dabo’s phone as "Nick Satan."

Anyway, gotta go. I miss Gardner, but I’m supposed to take reps with Tom Brady, our new backup QB. Coach traded like half the team just to make him sit on the bench. These two clearly have a history! 

Later,
Trevor

P.S. The Jets fans stopped hanging out by the houseboat, which is nice. Now there’s just one guy in a NY Starter jacket who waits outside the stadium and waves when I drive in. It’s weird, he looks a lot like Adam Gase. But there’s no way it’s him. Right?


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