Cleveland Browns

5 non-NFL teams that could beat the Cleveland Browns

Published Jun. 30, 2017 6:28 p.m. ET

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Here are five teams who could probably beat the Cleveland Browns.

The Cleveland Browns are the punchline to a lot of jokes. They have never won a Super Bowl (since their rebirth in 1999). In fact, even the Baltimore Ravens, the team formerly known as the Browns, have won two Super Bowls since leaving Cleveland. In a recent poll, 62 percent of voters said they believe that the Browns would lose to the Ohio State Buckeyes.

62% of Ohio Voters Think Ohio State Could Beat the Browns https://t.co/ITyd95if2h

— The Big Lead (@thebiglead) October 7, 2016

If you believe the Browns are worse than Ohio State, it gets a lot worse. There’s a darn good argument the Browns aren’t even the third best football team in Ohio. At least Miami University has produced Ben Roethlisberger, better than any Browns quarterback of the past 30 years. So let’s take a look at five other teams (some of them not even football teams) who could beat the Browns.

Mandatory Credit: Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

5. Cleveland Indians

Are the Browns even the best professional team at Cleveland when it comes to football? You could argue no. The Indians could probably beat the Browns. Now, the Indians would have to dive into their farm system to come up with a full roster. But let’s take a look at why the Indians could at worst give the Browns a close game.

Corey Kluber can likely throw a football better than any Browns quarterback. So they have an advantage at quarterback. Lanky reliever Andrew Miller would be a great wide receiver and red zone threat. Francisco Lindor and Jason Kipnis would be a deadly safety combo. The Indians also have Yan Gomes and Mike Napoli, both who could be competent blockers since they’re huge.

Terry Francona is a master strategist as a baseball manager. Now imagine the crazy things he would do as a head coach. Cleveland would definitely run the Statue of Liberty play at some point. Knowing the Cleveland Browns, it would work too.

4. The Mean Machine

In the 2005 remake of the classic The Longest Yard, The Mean Machine, a team of convicts, faces a team of prison guards. Except for Adam Sandler’s character, they’re playing for nothing but pride and revenge against the guards. They could definitely beat the Browns.

However, that’s not necessarily an insult. After all, the team had Michael Irvin, Burt Reynolds, Bill Goldberg, Terry Crews, Bob Sapp, and The Great Khali. Four of those five are experienced football players while the last would be comically dominant at football. The team rallied from being down to beat the guards. That’s more than the Browns have shown in almost 35 years.

Once Sandler’s character Paul “Wrecking” Crewe refused to throw the game and admitted to his team he threw games, his team respected him. After Sandler admitted to cheating, his team played hard for him. So assuming the Cleveland Browns don’t pay Crewe to throw the game, it’s not hard to see The Mean Machine beating the Browns. After all, they beat a team with Bill Romanowski, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Kevin Nash, and Brian Bosworth. That’s more talent than the Browns have right now. If you can score against a psychotic Romanowski, you can score against the Cleveland Browns.

Mandatory Credit: Robert Gauthier/Los Angeles Times via Getty Images

3. Bishop Gorman

Bishop Gorman, a high school in Nevada, is the top ranked high school football team in the United States, according to Maxpreps. De La Salle in California had a historic run lasting well over a decade, but they have fallen off in recent years. Gorman has emerged as the nation’s best high school team.

They are led by senior quarterback Tate Martell, who has 16 touchdowns and 955 passing yards through six games. Martell is a dual threat, with 490 rushing yards and six rushing touchdowns. Combined, he has 1,445 total yards and 22 touchdowns. He’s a five-star recruit who many believe to be the best quarterback of this year’s class.

Sophomore running back Amod Cianelli (415 rushing yards in six games) and junior Biaggio Walsh (313 rushing yards in three games) give Bishop Gorman some impressive running options. Their receiving core is led by junior Jalen Nailor, junior Brevin Jordan, and junior Dorian Thompson-Robinson (who also serves as the team’s backup quarterback).

Bishop Gorman also has a deadly defense, ranking among the nation’s lowest scoring defenses. They certainly have more talent than the Browns. At the very least, they appear to have a competent quarterback. When’s the last time anyone could say that about the Cleveland Browns without laughing or sounding silly?

2. Little Giants

The classic movie Little Giants featured Danny O’Shea (Rick Moranis) forming a football team of rejected players to face his brother Kevin O’Shea (Ed O’Neill) and the Cowboys. Against all odds, the Giants beat the Cowboys and prove that youth football is for everyone, not just the best players. Could the ultimate underdog team defeat the Cleveland Browns. Yup, probably.

J.R. Floyd is probably a better quarterback than Cody Kessler. Heck, even Becky “Icebox” O’Shea, who replaced Floyd following a cheap shot, is better than any recent Browns quarterback. Not to mention O’Shea is a better coach than any of the Browns’ recent coaches except maybe Hue Jackson.

Why would the Giants beat the Browns? Because they had guts. O’Shea employed an assistant coach named Nubie. Nubie was a complete nerd, but he was a brilliant play caller. The Browns have a history of losing in the most ridiculous, soul crushing ways possible. So it seems fitting they would lose to a team running the “Annexation of Puerto Rico”. What is the “Annexation of Puerto Rico”? A trick play involving fumbling and lateraling the ball repeatedly. They’ve already lost a game because a player removed his helmet too soon and off a blocked field goal. Only fitting they’d lose to a ridiculous play involving fumbling and lateraling.

1. Springfield Wildcats

One of the best episodes of The Simpsons is “Bart Star”. In this episode, Homer has to take over for Ned Flanders as the head coach of the Springfield Wildcats. Homer is predictably terrible as the coach, putting in Bart as the quarterback when it’s obvious he’s terrible. Luckily, former quarterback Nelson rejoins the team and Bart helps the team win the championship by pretending to be Nelson when the cops look for him.

First off, the Wildcats at least won a championship, which is more than can be said for the Cleveland Browns in the Super Bowl era. Nelson was a pretty darn good quarterback. Even with Homer’s incompetent coaching, the team still won. That tells you how good the Wildcats were.

Before Homer took over, the team was undefeated due to Ned Flanders’ coaching. While the Wildcats might not beat the Browns with Homer as their coach, they have a much better chance of doing so with Flanders. They’d also have a much better chance with Nelson as their quarterback. Assuming Nelson didn’t do anything illegal, the Wildcats could definitely beat the Browns. Even if he does do something illegal, Bart could always take his place once again.