For A-Rod: Adjusting to normal life 101
A-Rod, we need to talk.
I understand you've been going through some tough times — but it still doesn't mean you can drown your sorrows in a plate of hot wings, especially not in public. It also doesn't mean you can hang out at a Starbucks in Tampa, Fla. looking like the local Wi-Fi moocher.
Don't even get me started on your lack of manners while munching on some sunflower seeds during your most recent suit-up with the Charleston RiverDogs.
It's clear you're stuck in a psychological limbo, waiting to hear the fate of your already-tainted baseball career. But regardless of whatever punishment MLB is about to hand down, you still have to pull yourself together — because right now, you're only embarrassing yourself.
As you start to leave the limelight, it's best you realize that some things just don't fly out here in the "real world" — things like portraits of you as a centaur hanging over your bed.
Your seemingly uncontrollable narcissism is going to have to go, too. (I'll give you a few moments with yourself to make this a bit easier.)
What happened, man? You were able to pull off this whole "being a normal dude" thing a few years ago when you signed on to help promote the Guitar Hero franchise. Hanging out with a bunch of guys, playing video games, wearing no pants? Totally normal. (OK, maybe not that last bit.)
You've given us glimpses at your capacity for normalcy in the past few weeks — like when you shared a pretty adorable photo of you and your daughter to Instagram. That move just reeks of the typical Suburban Dad milieu. Do this more often. (Besides, cute kids are a surefire way to gain sympathy — as well as affection from the ladies.)
You've even mastered the art of the completely banal Instagram post. We are so proud.
Just one more snapshot in the endless sea of Starbucks-related photos littering the Internet. Everything about this is so utterly uninteresting that it's almost zen in its triviality — and for that A-Rod, you deserve a pat on the back. And, although I am an avid drinker of the unsweetened iced green tea myself, you've got to admit that this is the quintessential mundane Starbucks order.
All that's missing from this work of art is an unrelated emoji or two — I'd go with the winky face or the smiling poop next time — and you're well on your way to becoming a bona fide "normal guy."
For your next post, might we suggest a bathroom mirror selfie, a shot of your dinner or a picture of you hanging out with some friends?
Oh man. Nailed it.
See, A-Rod — we know that deep down, you're just like us. Things are looking pretty dismal in your universe these days, so it's probably time to starting thinking about embracing the normal guy within. Go low profile, keep posting pictures of your morning coffee — and it just might be the best decision you'll make all year. (Aside from ditching those centaur portraits, of course.)