A sneak peek of the LeBron James Show

BY foxsports • July 7, 2010

On Thursday night at 9 p.m. Eastern, LeBron James will make his long awaited announcement revealing where he will play next season. The following notes were found in the trash can in the conference room after an ESPN / LeBron James Entertainment production meeting.

LEBRON JAMES SHOW

{SEGMENT ONE}

{Voice Over Announcer -- Show Open-music that evokes images of 18th century England}

King James is the greatest thing since the other side of the pillow. He even has his own version of the Bible. Six castles anxiously await, hoping they are about to be conquered by the 25 year-old King with no ring.

{Stuart Scott on camera}

Hello. Welcome to ESPN’s hour-long LeBron James infomercial. The United States is in the longest war in its history and there is no end in sight. The Gulf of Mexico is being destroyed and there isn’t a damn thing we can do about it. Unemployment is through the roof and still hovers around 10 percent. But on to the important stuff, exalting King James. Can I get a witness!

{cue majestic sounding :05 music cut}

{Topic-Has there ever been a more narcissistic athlete than King James?}

{Scott on camera}

We would like to welcome Chad Ochocinco, Rickey Henderson, Alex Rodriguez and Michael Jordan to our Bristol studios to answer the question that has crossed everyone’s mind the past few days: Is LeBron James the most narcissistic athlete in the history of sports?

{guest argue for 7:00 like "The O’Reilly Factor"}:

{Michael Jordan sound bite} "I never referred to myself as Air Jordan."

{Alex Rodriguez sound bite} "I might kiss my own image in the mirror, but at least I don’t send out tweets claiming to be a King."

{Chad Ochocinco sound bite} "What about me guys? Don’t forget about me...."

{Scott on camera. Tease segment two. Toss to commercial break}

Thanks guys. What a perfect panel to determine who, in fact, is the most narcissistic athlete of all time. When we return to ESPN’s LeBron James infomercial, we will run a heartwarming feature on LeBron James and what a great guy he is. Stay tuned …

{SEGMENT TWO}

{Back from commercial break - cue Tom Petty "It’s Good to Be King" played over LeBron James video where he looks regal}

{Scott on camera}

King James is a great guy for revealing his decision in such a long, drawn-out, dramatic fashion. It has nothing to do with marketing or self-promotion. It’s all for charity. Here’s a warm and fuzzy story about King James, the philanthropist.

{cue sickly piano music}

{3:00 feature on King James the philanthropist}

{out of feature Scott voice over full-screen graphic}

Here is a list of every good deed King James has ever done … a reminder that ESPN’s coverage of the LeBron James infomercial has nothing to do with marketing or self promotion. It’s all for charity. Some people actually believe that. {ad lib good deeds}

{Scott on camera: Tease Segment 3. Toss to break}

King James is a great guy. And we are getting closer to the big moment. Only King James knows the locale of the NBA’s future dynasty. The King reveals his choice, coming up on ESPN’s coverage of the LeBron James infomerical.

{SEGMENT THREE}

{Back from commercial break. Cue Kurtis Blow ``If I Ruled the World’’ played over LeBron James dunk video}

{Scott on camera}

Welcome back to ESPN’s continuing coverage of the LeBron James infomercial. The NBA’s free agent free-for-all is about to come to a close. Carlos Boozer signed a five year, $80 million contract with the Bulls. Chris Bosh will join Dwayne Wade in Miami. But who gives a crap about those scrubs? This is an hour-long special about King James. Let D-Wade’s agent negotiate his own show. Since we are dedicating an hour to hard news that could be reported thoroughly in less than three minutes, we’ve got a lot of time to fill. We are about to ask every NBA reporter, columnist or former NBA player we can find what they think will happen.

{PRODUCER’S NOTE -- Have a variety of King James video clips ready to air under the chat in case it seems redundant and/or boring}

{Scott on camera, segment 4 tease, toss to break}

Now you can put a face with the newspaper writer’s name.

Up next on ESPN’s coverage of the LeBron James infomercial, the King himself graces us with his presence. Sort of. He’s in an undisclosed location via satellite. You didn’t really think the King would come to Bristol, Connecticut, did you? His royal highness reveals which city he will bless, coming up next on ESPN’s continuing coverage of the LeBron James infomercial.

{SEGMENT 4}

{Back from commercial break. Cue Steve Martin ``King Tut’’ music played over LeBron James great plays}

{Scott on camera}

Welcome back to ESPN’s never-ending coverage of the LeBron James infomercial. Now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. After 55 minutes of the kind of bloated, overindulgent flab that you’ve come to expect from the Worldwide Leader, now we are getting to the point. But first, a word from our sponsor. Remember, this is all for charity.

{roll commercial break}

{SEGMENT 5}

{Back from commercial break. Cue theme from "Lion King" over a montage of fans in bars in Miami, New York, Chicago and Cleveland who are anxiously awaiting the King’s revelation. Try to get shots of balding guys with pony tails wearing replica jerseys. Or women who look like they are about to cry}

{Scott on camera}

Welcome back to ESPN’s never-ending coverage of the LeBron James infomerical. Now, at last, the bourgeoisie will know what their King has decided. King James is kind enough to join us from an undisclosed location.

{cue :10 "Hail to the Chief" music}

{take remote shot - LeBron enters the room and sits on a throne. His entourage stands as he enters the room. Wearing a crown. And a purple cloak.}

{Scott on camera}

King James, we here at ESPN are so honored that you have chosen us to assist with your public relations. Most athletes just want to be in our silly commercials, but no one has such vision as you, your highness. Now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Tell us, King James, where will be your next kingdom?

(King James answers from remote)

"Rosebud"

{Scott on camera}

And that will mercifully conclude ESPN’s coverage of the LeBron James infomercial. We will end the show with a kickass King James music video. I’d like to thank the Executive Producer of this show, LeBron James. Coming up next on “30 for 30,” producer Spike Lee searches the playgrounds of New York City for the next LeBron. Thanks for watching. Good night.

{roll Music video}

{Insert copyright information}



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