Badgers Off-Beat Season Preview: All aboard the hype train
If you are looking for hard-hitting analysis, yeah, this ain’t it. But if you want a fun, entertaining read, you’ve found the right place. For more of Brandon Rifkin, please head to his blog or follow him on Twitter.
The hype is SEVERELY PALPABLE. Sports Illustrated cover, national writers picking UW to go undefeated, 54 All-Americans ... you name it, we hype it. Offensive line? So good and experienced that Joe Thomas retired just to come back and take notes. Running back? The UW Athletic Department has already booked hotel and airfare to New York in early December. Quarterback? Ask Miami what happens when the Horn Dawg comes a callin'. Linebackers? All aboard the Van Ginkel Express.
https://twitter.com/brandonrifkin/status/1030518487138164736
Could I have put any WORSE juju on UW than tweeting about how awesome our wide receivers are a day before the top two get suspended?
I'll save my comments on those legal issues because, well, not a one of us actually knows what happened and what didn't happen. And this is a football/chicken tender blog, not a legal blog. There's plenty of depth at WR that UW will be fine.
MORE than find, I'd wager. And it all starts on a late summer Friday night in Madison. Can't script a better way to start the biggest season in college football history than a night game at Camp Randall Labor Day weekend. This is peak life. I beg you to take advantage and enjoy it, because we're just a few weeks away from STRESS LEVEL MAXIMUM as this team pursues perfection.
CELEBRITY DEATHS
Time to pay our respects to those we have lost:
NEW FACES TO WATCH
RANDOM MUSIC WE'RE DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK
https://youtu.be/Hc3XIbUuTMc
Don't look now but the Struts are back with a killer new single and an upcoming album. Their debut album as about as good as music gets, and we are approaching make or break status on their sophomore effort. My hopes are high. Check them out and shred.
THIS SEASON IN HAIKU
Tougher schedule
Little margin for error
The sky's the limit
COLD-BLOODED SCHEDULE ANALYSIS (Home games in CAPS)
Opponent: WESTERN KENTUCKY
Date: 8/31
This is the game most likely to ... have pre-game Camp Randall #skyporn
We will win if ... we can put Fortnite down for a few hours and show up in the stadium reasonably on time.
What's for sure actually going to happen: The JT23 Heisman campaign gets an official hashtag after he drops 214 yards and 4 touchdowns.
Opponent: NEW MEXICO
Date: 9/8
This is the game most likely to ... struggle to fill the bars for the 11 a.m. kickoff.
We will win if ... well we're on the second cupcake of the schedule and I'm already struggling to come up with clever ways we could actually lose one of these inevitable slobberknockers. Slobberknockers really should be an actual word by now.
What's for sure actually going to happen: Taylor approaches 450 rushing yards after two weeks, the defense scores its first touchdown, and the Lobos head back to Nuevo Mexico with a story to tell their nietos.
Opponent: BYU
Date: 9/15
This is the game most likely to ... give us false confidence in saying "see, our non-conference schedule wasn't really THAT bad ..."
We will win if ... this isn't one of those sneaky good BYU teams, and they catch a bunch of breaks on their way to pushing us to the limit.
What's for sure actually going to happen: Horn Dawg decides it's time to get his, tosses three touchdowns and no interceptions and we have a Russell Wilson/Montee Ball double Heisman conundrum all over again.
Opponent: at Iowa
Date: 9/22
This is the game most likely to ... ruin September
We will win if ... we play smashmouth football and hit our shots when we take them, and also if Horn Dawg doesn't hand them two touchdowns again.
What's for sure actually going to happen: UW wins, covers, and on we roll.
Opponent: NEBRASKA
Date: 10/6
This is the game most likely to ... remind me of how wildly we've owned them since they've joined the B1G.
We will win if ... we bully them up front and force them to tackle Taylor for four quarters.
What's for sure actually going to happen: On the road could be interesting, but this is in Madison and Frost doesn't have his guys in there yet. W.
Opponent: at No. 14 Michigan
Date: 10/13
This is the game most likely to ... make me tweet mean things from the bar that I semi-regret the next morning.
We will win if ... Harbaugh continues his trend of all hype/no bite.
What's for sure actually going to happen: A reprisal of several years ago where we ran the ball 61 times in a row against a Michigan team that had no interest in trying to tackle.
Opponent: ILLINOIS
Date: 10/20
This is the game most likely to ... be a cheap ticket before the weather turns to sh*t.
We will win if ... Lovie is unsuccessful in getting the Bears to play instead of the Illini
What's for sure actually going to happen: Good god look at that beard!
Opponent: at Northwestern
Date: 10/27
This is the game most likely to ... have a torrential downpour, 15 fumbles, a power outage, and escaped animals from the zoo on the field.
We will win if ... talent trumps the bizarre.
What's for sure actually going to happen: I honestly don't have the patience in my life for another Evanston debacle. Just win, baby.
Opponent: RUTGERS
Date: 11/3
This is the game most likely to ... be your annual reminder that Rutgers is in the B1G for no other reason than Delaney's greed.
We will win if ... yada yada yada.
What's for sure actually going to happen: We all know how this game's gonna go, instead, let's admire the power of unfortunate abbreviations:
Opponent: at No. 10 Penn State
Date: 11/10
This is the game most likely to ... determine some Playoff implications.
We will win if ... we do not do what we did in the B1G Championship a few years ago and let them throw 60-yard touchdowns over our heads.
What's for sure actually going to happen: Call me crazy but I'm feeling good about our chances of walking out of Happy Valley with a dub now that Saquon plays on Sundays.
Opponent: at Purdue
Date: 11/17
This is the game most likely to ... give us that random scare from a team that is demonstrably worse than us in every facet of the game.
We will win if ... Jeff Brohm is not actually some kind of wizard.
What's for sure actually going to happen: #BoilerDown
Opponent: MINNESOTA
Date: 11/24
This is the game most likely to ... make me go to one of those "days since" websites and calculate exactly how many days it's been since they had the Axe.
We will win if ... their rowboats don't have cannons on the side.
What's for sure actually going to happen:
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
https://youtu.be/8epZxPDyfVo
This week's theme is COMMERCIALS GONE AWRY. Let's enjoy Kentucky Fried Racism!
PREDICTION CITY
Don't look at me: I'm caught in the hype too! I can't help it. This team is too damn talented, experienced, and well-coached to expect anything less than history. The schedule's got good juice with Michigan/Penn State/Iowa on the road and a decent name in the non-conference, so there might even be room to drop one of those roadies, beat OSU in the B1G Championship, and still weasel our way into the playoff. That seems like a reasonable route. But I am not a reasonable man.
THE PICK:
12-0, finally get over the OSU B1G Championship hump, and shake up the whole damn playoff with some bruiser Badger ball. LET'S go!
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ON WISCONSIN
