College Football

5 Reasons Nick Saban Should Be President

Updated Mar. 4, 2020 5:56 p.m. ET

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Jan 9, 2017; Tampa, FL, USA; Alabama Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban reacts during a post-game press conference after their loss to Clemson Tigers in the 2017 College Football Playoff National Championship Game at Raymond James Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports

Here are five reasons why Nick Saban has made Alabama great again, and why he could do the same for America.Nick Saban is a leader, a mentor and a winner.  The day he was inaugurated as Alabama’s new Head Coach is a day that will go down in history not only for the Alabama faithful but also for those that have been crushed beneath the weight of “the process.”Wouldn’t it be great if everyone in the world could benefit from the process? It seems almost a sin to keep all of this greatness to ourselves. Saban has already proven that he can make Alabama great again. He can do the same for the country.

Here are 5 reasons why Nick Saban should be the next Head Coach of the United States of America:

1. Nick Saban is a winner.

Let’s start with the obvious. Nick Saban is a winner. In his 10 years at Alabama Saban has produced a 118-19 record, 2 Heisman Trophy, 5 SEC titles, 4 national championships, 29 consensus All Americans, made Tim Tebow cry.

I really want to hate Tebow but I just can’t do it. He’s such a great guy. I’ll keep trying. Roll Tide. 

He could beat a brick wall in a game of tennis. It takes divine intervention and an alignment of the planets to beat Nick Saban and Pluto wants no part of it anymore. I’ve heard that the young people these days refer to winning as sabaning. It’s a thing. All the cool kids are doing it.

2. Nick Saban is a military mastermind.

Nick Saban has built an arsenal of 5 star recruits.  He can handle a few 4 star Generals. Alabama is college football’s only superpower. America is the world’s only superpower. If this fit were any more perfect Melania Trump would be wearing it to the Inauguration Ball.

Wow. Those heels are thinner than Tennessee’s depth chart.

Oh you think Nick Saban won’t make the hard calls when the time comes? Did Saban not call for the onside kick that won a National Championship? If you’re looking for a coach-in-chief you’re not going to find a commander more ready for battle than Nick Saban… It would also be fun to see Nick chewing out the U.N. like a ref on the sideline.

3. Nick Saban will grow the economy, bigly.

Video courtesy of ESPN, see more here.

Some people like to bauk at Nick Saban’s salary, but think of how much money Alabama Football makes. Saban is paid $9 million dollars a year in salary and bonuses, but Alabama Football brought in $45,074,799 dollars last year. That’s what’s left of the $81,993,762 in revenue after subtracting $36,918,963 in expenses. Nick Saban and Alabama Football are the only parts of the Alabama economy that operate in the black.

Sep 10, 2016; Tuscaloosa, AL, USA; Alabama Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban looks back at Crimson Tide offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin and quarterback Jalen Hurts (2) during the game against the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers at Bryant-Denny Stadium. The Tide defeated the Hilltoppers 38-10. Mandatory Credit: Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

4. Nick Saban doesn’t do diplomacy. He chews asses.

This will forever be my favorite Saban moment – but can you imagine if Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un were on the receiving end of that 10 megaton F bomb? What would trade deal negotiations look like with Saban raging on a room full of world leaders that were avoiding eye contact with him like he worked at one of those kiosks in the middle of the mall? Awesome. That’s what. Welcome to the process, diplomacy.

Can you imagine some frilly little french diplomat trying to stand up to Nick Saban? No, even Saban’s I love yous are ass-chewings according to Kiffin after all.

Next: Saban Would Build The Wall

5. Nick Saban on Border Security: Build a Wall Around Auburn

It’s a popular idea.

Can you imagine a world where you didn’t have to hide your jewelry and prescription medication before having your Barner side of the family over for the holidays? It may seem like a dream now but so was another national championship when Mike Price was fired after realizing his true Destiny in Mobile.  Nick Saban will make it happen.

He has the biggest walls. The best walls. No one has walls like Nick Saban. 

This wall isn’t just for Alabama. This wall is for the world. People in the Republic of Congo don’t want Barners stealing their toilet paper to roll the Amazon every time Nick Saban loses his car keys, his place in a book or his count when adding up all of his many accomplishments at Alabama any more than people at the Banana Republic want them coming around trying to trade Birmingham Bowl rings for cargo pants with pockets big enough to hold all of their broken dreams.

Saban has our vote. Does he have yours? Let us know on our Facebook page or in the comments below. Roll Tide!

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