By Andy Nesbitt, FOXSports.com "I’m nervous,” I recently said to my life coach while sipping on a kale smoothie. "Why,” he said while stretching out his calves against the wall in the juice shop here in Los Angeles. I looked around the store before whispering: “I haven’t picked NFL games for FOXSports.com in like seven years. “ "Where have you been," my life coach asked while reaching down to touch his toes. "I’ve been … away." "Where?" "Don’t want to get into it." "“Why?" "Just don’t." "Well how hard can it be," he asked while scrolling through his text messages. "You have no idea," I said as I dropped a 4-pointer in a Words With Friends game. “There is so much parity in the NFL lately, plus NFL fans can be really cruel, especially when you pick against their teams. I mean, have you ever had a conversation with a Steelers fan? They don't like jokes about their team. Like at all. Not even about those dopey towels." He saw the desperation in my face and said: “Let me give you some advice, I am your life coach after all." "Ok, I’m all ears," I said as I dropped a 7-pointer in WWF. "Don’t study the NFL, like at all. Just let the universe pick the games for you." "The universe?" "Yes, the universe," he said as he closed his eyes. Sounds like a plan. Reader comments! Each week before making picks I like to respond to some of the best reader comments from the previous week’s picks column. It’s always nice to hear from nice people and it also helps create a warm community full of people who enjoy talking about the NFL. Since this is the first week of NFL picks, we’ll look back at the best comments from the "One bold prediction for every NFL team" post. Cue the niceness: Tom B. wrote: Oh I get it, this was a funny article! Hahahahahah NOT. ME: Well, there goes my streak of falling for a NOT joke. 459 days down the tubes. Thomas M. wrote: This was without a doubt one stupid article. Don't know why I read it but anyway I only have one thing to say. Go Cowboys! ME: Pheeewwwww, I thought that comment was going to have a completely different ending. Erica wrote: You are a freakin HACK! Bold predictions are not something to be mocked..... coward. ME: Erica, in my house we were always taught to mock bold predictions. Relentlessly. Now I’m starting to question everything about my youth. Thank you. Daniel B. wrote: "The media will finally start paying attention to Redskins QB Robert Griffin III and he’ll become a household name in no time." They already have and he already is. Me: I always love “didn’t get the joke guy.” Or did Daniel get the joke and he’s one-upping me and I’m now “didn’t get the joke guy?” If so, consider my mind this:
Ok, on to the picks … New England at Buffalo: Things that didn’t exist the last time the Bills had a good QB: Hybrid cars, Wi-fi, and Viagra. Patriots 35, Bills 10Seattle at Carolina: Sometimes Cam Newton throws the ball better than Tom Brady … and sometimes he acts as mature as any of the ladies on any of the Real Housewives shows. Seahawks 27, Panthers 20.Cincinnati at Chicago: This is how I imagine a long car ride with Jay Cutler riding shotgun – chock full of awkward silences and abrupt changes to the music that everyone else in the car was actually enjoying. Bengals 23, Bears 21.
Miami at Cleveland: One time when I was visiting my grandparents in Buffalo my dad saw that I was down in the dumps and said “Hey, it could be worse. I could have grown up in Cleveland.” Then we high-fived and went out for some wings. Dolphins 17, Browns 13.
Minnesota at Detroit: The Lions might be the dirtiest team in the league, which is quite an accomplishment considering they play most of their games indoors. Lions 34, Vikings 31.Oakland at Indianapolis: The Raiders’ “Just Win, Baby” slogan is as fitting as McDonald’s “Eat here and lose weight” slogan. Wait, that’s not McDonald’s slogan? Colts 30, Raiders 10.K.C. at Jacksonville: The greater Jacksonville area is so excited about the season opener that the team might have to make tickets in the upper level available for sale. Chiefs 20, Jaguars 9
Atlanta at New Orleans: Bourbon Street is a lot like Disney World – in theory it sounds like a fun place to visit but then you get there and are engulfed by what smells like wet diapers and you start rethinking your decision. Falcons 33, Saints 20Tampa Bay at New York Jets: Three things that Rex Ryan would rather be doing than coaching the Jets on Sunday: Visiting a bakery, visiting a bakery, and visiting a bakery. Bucs 23, Jets 6
Tennessee at Pittsburgh: This GIF below is pretty much how I picture every Titan fan during every Titans game. Steelers 27, Titans 17.
Green Bay at San Francisco: Before being called Titletown, Green Bay was called Itssocoldhereletsmovesomewherenicertown. 49ers 35, Packers 27Arizona at St. Louis: Budweiser isn’t the only bland thing that people in St. Louis can call their own. Rams 17, Cardinals 12.New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys: Jerry Jones has the best poker face that money can buy. Giants 24, Cowboys 23
Philadelphia at Washington: The only body part that has received more attention than RGIII’s right knee recently is Miley Cyrus’ behind. Thanks a lot, MTV. Redskins 24, Eagles 14.Houston at San Diego: Many Chargers fans will be calling for Norv Turner to lose his job after this one. (Who’s gonna be the “didn’t get the joke guy” on this one?). Houston 34, San Diego 17NOTE: We didn't pick Thursday's opener but we thought Denver would win big and Peyton Manning would throw seven touchdown passes.
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