We're three episodes into "Game of Thrones," and this week's show makes it two straight episodes spent setting up the forthcoming season. Not a ton happened, but I have total faith in this show and you, undoubtedly, have total faith in Outkick's "Game of Thrones" recaps. So off we go.
Game of Thrones season 5 episode 1 review
Game of Thrones season 5 episode 2 review
1. Margaery marries Tommen.
They then have sex, leading Tommen to say, "This is all I want to do all day every day for the rest of my life."
I don't blame him. And you probably said the same thing the first time you had sex too.
It's hard for kings to outkick their coverage given that, you know, they're kings, but I think Tommen pulled it off here with Margaery Tyrell. Can you imagine going from being a virgin to sleeping with Margaery? I'm not even sure Tommen knows enough to know how lucky he is.
Not that I spend much time writing about what happens in the books -- because I haven't read them -- but according to my wife this season is diverting a great deal from what happened in the books. That is, Tommen and Margaery don't consummate their marriage in the books. At least not yet, anyway.
This means that the people you watch the show bragging about the fact that they've already read the books are potentially going to be as surprised as you are when the next red wedding happens.
2. The marriage being consummated means that Cersei and Margaery are headed for an epic power struggle.
We've got Margaery honeypotting Tommen and using her pillow talk to convince him to send his mom back to Casterly Rock. Meanwhile, Cersei suddenly has to genuflect before the altar of Queen Margaery.
This led to Margaery tossing out the devastating line, "What's the proper way to address you now?" And Cersei having to verbally curtsy and say multiple times, "Remember, anything you need."
As Cersei walks away you can hear Margaery mocking her to her handmaidens.
I'm not sure what Cersei is planning, but I'm convinced it will be diabolical. I can't wait.
3. Ramsey Bolton will marry Sansa Stark.
Somehow Lord Baelish, the Urban Meyer of "Game of Thrones," has managed to devise a marital agreement between the Bolton's, the new rulers of the north, and Sansa, the eldest daughter of the Starks, the family that should still be ruling the north if Ned and Robb hadn't been murdered.
Who murdered Robb and his mother?
Lord Bolton, of course.
Yet Lord Baelish convinces Sansa to acquiesce to the marriage by saying, "Stop being a bystander, stop running." Then, with the music playing softly in the background he clenches his jaw -- it always looks like Baelish has snuff in his mouth -- and says, "There's no justice in the world unless we make it."
He then follows up this line by saying, "You loved your family, avenge them."
Which is essentially the motivating line for everything that happens in the show.
Because when you really break it down "Game of Thrones," is really just one large circle of revenge. Everyone is trying to climb to new heights of power and in order to do so -- remember, chaos is a ladder -- people must be killed or shamed. Then the survivors have to avenge those who were killed or shamed. This is the entire show on repeat.
So now Sansa, who did nothing at all for the first 3.5 years of the show, is out for vengeance too.
I don't know what she's going to do, but I hope it involves gelding Ramsey.
4. We learn Lady Brienne's sad history and why she pledged herself to Renly Baratheon, the man killed by the smoke ghost of Stannis.
Renly was the only man willing to dance with Lady Brienne. He also happened to be gay, but that's neither here nor there. He was so kind to her that Lady Brienne pledged herself to him. Until, sigh, he was killed by Stannis's smoke ghost.
The result?
Surprise, surprise, Lady Brienne vows, "One day I will avenge Renly Baratheon."
So she wants to kill Stannis.
One more circle of deceit and revenge.
5. Jon Snow declines to become Jon Stark and is left in control of the wildlings.
He assigns all of the posts to the men of the night's watch, except the coward, whose name I don't know, refuses to accept his post.
"Get me sword," says Snow.
You don't want to see Jon Snow angry.
6. Arya throws away all of her belongings except for her beloved sword, Needle, which she buries in a rock outcropping.
She spends the rest of her time scrubbing the floor, watching men drink water and die, getting slapped in the face, and scrubbing a dead man alongside a creepy girl.
I'm not going to lie here either, I was really going to be upset if Arya threw away Needle. Arya can't be the cockiest fighter in the seven kingdoms without Needle.
7. Jon Snow decapitates the coward in an eerie parallel to how the first episode of the first season of "Game of Thrones," began.
You'll recall that Ned Stark decapitated the man who was fleeing from Castle Black because he'd seen the white walkers. Stark also made a big deal of the need for him to do the decapitation himself. Now we have Jon Snow, decapitating another man himself.
Potential spoiler alert theory:
One of you emailed me a theory on who Jon Snow's mother is. I think it's a good theory and I'm sharing it here. His argument is that Jon Snow is the daughter of Ned Stark's sister who was in love with Robert Baratheon, but died in childbirth before they could marry. This would, of course, make Snow Robert's son, and also the rightful heir to the Iron Throne.
Given what we know about Ned Stark, doesn't this seem like a secret he'd keep to protect Jon Snow? That he'd rather take the blame for fathering this child than admit it was Robert and his sister's? Plus, how strange would it be that he kept the baby and left the mother behind? He doesn't support her in any way?
I'm close to buying this theory.
I happen to also think that we're moving toward a Daenerys and Jon Snow union, whereupon they will rule the kingdom in the hottest meeting of king and queen that the world has ever known.
All of you want to see that sex scene.
Hell, they should actually have sex and put it on pay per view. This would be the most "Game of Thrones" move possible, turning their marital union into an actual porno movie.
8. The sparrows storm into Baelish's brothel and interrupt the priest as he makes his selection among seven naked women.
I feel like HBO should spin off Lord Baelish's Brothel as its own show. Just call it, "Lord Baelish's Brothel."
Are you telling me you wouldn't watch this? I think it would be an incredible show. Better than almost any show on television right now. There's always crazy ass shit going down here. And we only see a fraction of it. Make it a spin off show, the "Better Call Saul," of "Game of Thrones."
The priest is paraded naked through the streets -- mercifully we don't see any old man balls -- and he storms into Cersei's meeting to demand the high sparrow be executed for shaming him.
It turns out the High Sparrow, in an incredible coincidence, is also the commanding general from the original "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie. (Keira Knightley's dad).
Anyway, Cersei makes allies with him by putting the old priest, a hypocrite, in jail. Meaning that Cersei is going to use the sparrows somehow. Probably against Margaery.
9. Tyrion's losing his mind being shut inside a traveling carriage, so he insists on a trip to the brothel.
Tyrion argues that no one will recognize him since they are now several thousand miles from Westeros, arguing, "What am I? One more drunk dwarf."
I mean, Tyrion gets all the best lines.
10. The gospel of the Lord of Lights is spreading.
The Lord of Lights isn't dumb, his prophets are all hot women.
Tyrion and Varys sit watching the prophet speak until she stares at Tyrion, appearing to recognize him and driving him in search of a brothel.
Before entering the brothel Tyrion has his second walk off line in as many weeks telling the guard at the door, "It's better luck to suck a dwarf's cock."
As the legend of the mother of dragons spreads, there is a whore dressed up as Daenerys who everyone wants to screw. Tyrion picks a brunette, but then realizes that he can't sleep with her. Probably because he's still in love with Shae.
Upon having this realization, he heads for a piss.
11. While peeing, Tyrion is kidnapped by Daenerys's former advisor, Ser Jorah.
Who, of course, happens to be in the exact same brothel at the exact same time as Tyrion.
Reinforcing what I said last week, there are more accidental meetings in pubs and brothels in "Game of Thrones," than could ever be possible in real life.
If you want to live, don't ever go to a brothel or a pub.
