By MICHAEL SCOTT
Special to FOXSportsDetroit.com
You've all heard by now about the financial cliff the country is facing. Here in Michigan, we've certainly been hit hard enough by the economy over the past few years.
But I think I've figured out the answer. We should all move ... to Nashville, Tenn.
That's right, the site of baseball's winter meetings has become a winter wonderland — like Disney World, where all of your problems fade away.
Having financial issues? Come to the Opryland Hotel and into Neverland.
Shane Victorino, come on down! You were so disappointing last season that you were traded from the Phillies to the Dodgers.
You might be the “Flyin' Hawaiian,” but your stats are flyin' the wrong way. Your batting average dropped 24 points, your home-run total by six and your triples by nine. And you actually played in 22 more games.
So let's see, you made $9.5 million last season. What’s that? No, you’re not getting a pay cut — not here.
Would you be willing to take a raise? How about $39 million over the next three years?
I know you’re busy on the beach, but it’s great that you were still able to send out a tweet to Red Sox Nation:
"Just agreed to join the Boston @RedSox in the middle of paradise," Victorino tweeted. "#BLESSED!!! Can't wait to get to Boston!"
Yup, blessed would be the right word.
Boston was in such a good mood, it gave the same deal to Mike Napoli, who followed up the best year of his career with possibly the worst.
Apparently the Red Sox are in a giving mood. Happy holidays!
What ails you, Dan Haren? Last year, it was a bad back. You made 30 starts and had a 4.33 ERA — both the worst in your career since you became a full-time starter.
You had a losing record for the first time since your rookie year. In fact, your poor performance helped keep the Angels out of the playoffs.
Things got so bad for you, LA decided not to exercise its $15.5 million option on your contract for 2013. They're paying you $3 million not to pitch for them. They tried to trade you, but the Cubs didn't like your medical records.
Would you consider helping out that Strasburg kid on the team with the best record in the majors last year? You would? Great!
Say hi to the Nationals. They're willing to pay you $13 million to be their fourth starter. All you have to do is pass a physical. You might as well take it right here in the hotel lobby, where dreams become reality.
Even though Haren was hurt, he did play in 2012. But here at the Opryland, health doesn't even matter. Step right up, Joakim Soria.
Yes, we know all about last year’s Tommy John surgery. What's that? This was the second time you've had the procedure? Well, I guess that means you won't have to worry about a third, right?
So you didn't throw a single pitch in 2012? No problem. What now? Your 2011 season wasn't so hot either?
Let's take a closer look: seven blown saves, nearly double the amount you'd ever had in a season? Hmm. Maybe that was just bad luck.
Oh, opponents hit 49 points higher against you than over your entire career? Not good. Declining strikeouts per nine innings?
I guess you picked the right time to be a free agent. How about two years for a minimum of $8 million?
And with all of your big-game experience with the Royals, the high-powered Rangers know you can handle the heat of a pennant race. Plus, you won’t even have to close games. Is that good enough for you?
Yes, the Republicans and Democrats seem to be heading toward a cliff, with no answer in sight.
Can't we all just get along? Can't we all just head to Nashville?
