I can't lie, out of everything that has, or will happen in 2015, there isn't a single thing I've been more excited about than the debut of the 'Entourage' movie.
The NBA Finals? Please. If you've seen one Curry make a three-pointer, you've seen them all. The college football playoff? Come on, we all knew Ohio State was the best team the whole season, right? (Don't answer that.) My buddy's bachelor party in New Orleans? Ok, that was pretty awesome, I can't lie.
Still, it wasn't Entourage and when I found out the movie was coming out this week, I had to be there at the earliest possible moment to see it. If anyone even broached the subject of waiting to the weekend to see it, I immediately ended our friendship. I was that serious, and I fully planned on being in the audience the second the credits rolled, and the second Johnny Drama made his first off-color joke of the night. And that's exactly where I ended up Tuesday just before midnight, at the earliest possible showing of the movie.
And when it was done, well, I wanted more. I immediately went home and got online to see what everyone was saying about the movie... only something funny happened: Just about every single review I read said the movie was awful.
What? Huh? Had they seen the same movie I had?
Apparently so, and apparently all the 'critics' were disappointed in the movie. They were disappointed that Entourage wasn't some cinematic masterpiece with things like "plotlines" and "character arcs." Wait, since when were fast cars, beautiful women and celebrity cameos not enough?
I'm not quite sure, but that's also why I'm here today: Because I don't feel like I've seen a "real" review of Entourage yet. Consider this a review of the Entourage movie by an Entourage fan. Here's everything you need to know about this flick.
Is there a plotline?
I mean, was there ever a plot line in any episode of Entourage ever? The answer of course is not really. But did that ever keep you from watching? My point exactly.
Either way, for those of you looking for particulars, the movie basically picks up right where the show left off; Vinnie was married but now divorced, and Ari was retired but has now come out of retirement to run a major studio (I think it's Warner Brothers.... but again, who needs the details.)
Anyway, like any good super-agent turned studio-head, Ari wants Vince to star in his first big budget movie, which is all well and good, right up until Vince lets Ari know that he doesn't just want to star in the movie, but he wants to direct it as well (who said Entourage doesn't have character arcs? Vinnie's a modern-day Hitchcock!).
Eventually Ari relents and gives him the green light, but unfortunately Vinnie isn't able to stay within the budget. And that's where the problems begin: The two guys financing the movie (a rich Texas billionaire and his son) quickly become unhappy with how much money they're spending, and the dad sends his son to Hollywood to figure out what's going on.
That's basically how the rest of the rest of the movie plays out, with just about everyone in the midst of a tug-of-war. Ari is trying to keep tabs on Vince, Vince is trying to get his movie made, and the damn oil billionaire kid just keeps getting in the way of everything.
Granted, it's not quite the plot line of the next Academy Award winner. But if you showed up to Entourage expecting to see an Oscar contender, well, I don't know what to tell you except that you're an idiot.
So this oil billionaire's son, he sounds like a bozo, huh?
Oh is he ever. He's basically a caricature of every kid that we all know, who has never done a damn thing in his life (other than spend daddy's money), but thinks he knows everything anyway. We all hate this guy... not so much because he's rich, but because he's just kind of a tool.
Anyway, that's exactly who this kid is, and ultimately his sole purpose is to --- consciously or not --- ruin Vinnie's movie.
I won't give away his motives, but I will tell you this: You will hate this character throughout the movie.
What else do I need to know about this character?
Well nothing, other than the fact that he's played by... are you ready for this... Haley Joel Osment!
I'm not sure what Osment has been doing since 'The Sixth Sense' but he's all grown up, and definitely in his most adult role yet.
I don't know if he still sees dead people, but there is one scene in this movie where he sees just about everything else (it's at a hotel. You'll know what I mean when you see the movie).
What about the other guys? Are they still there?
Yes, pretty much everyone is back, and none of them have really changed.
Drama is still Vinnie's brother, still waiting for his big break, and still the butt of just about everyone's jokes. Turtle is still the same guy he always was; his interests almost exclusively consisting of girls, pot and video games, although he does happen to be a lot richer now after his 'Avion' tequila company blew up. And Ari is still Ari; one minute he's happy, the next he's sad, the next he's making some off-color inappropriate comment to Lloyd. Mrs. Ari, thankfully, is still Mrs. Ari as well.
Speaking of Lloyd and Mrs. Ari, they are back with just about all the other ancillary characters; Billy Walsh, Dana Gordon, Shauna the publicist.
In the end, the movie really does feel like a family reunion. You know, if you were actually happy to see your family members.
Wait, you didn't mention 'E.' Please tell me 'E' isn't in the movie.
Sorry, he still is.
Is he still lame?
Worse than ever.
Is he still dating Sloan?
Sort of.
For those who love Sloan as much as I do (back off, she's mine!), the good news is, she's no longer with E. The bad news is that she's pregnant. With E's baby. That thought alone was nearly enough to make me walk out of the theater. Somehow, I found the will to carry on.
What about celebrity cameos? I heard there were a lot.
Indeed there are. Just like when the show was actually on the air, you never know who will randomly pop up, in what random scene, and at what random time.
Look down for one second, and you might miss Mark Cuban. Chat with your buddy and you might not see Pharrell or Warren Buffett. Sneak away to the bathroom... and poof, you missed Rob Gronkowski chugging beer (thankfully, you can see that one pretty much any time you want. Gronk might be chugging beer in your backyard right now, as we speak!).
So who had the best cameo?
There were so many, but for my money, the best came from Russell Wilson, and it came when he gave 'E' a pep talk about overcoming obstacles to win the Super Bowl despite his height.
Kind of random, but trust me, it's funny when you see it, and it definitely showed me a side of Wilson that I didn't know was there. If Seattle's coaching staff was half as good as Wilson's acting coach, the Seahawks might have another Super Bowl ring right now.
What about Ronda Rousey?
I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say that she had a much bigger part than I expected. She --- and her budding relationship with Turtle --- were one of the key storylines throughout the movie.
Dude, so you just mentioned storylines, but you're not telling us any more about them. Why?
Again, I cannot emphasize this enough: There really isn't a plot! This is Entourage not Birdman.
But if you do want to know what kind of trouble the guys get themselves into, before Ari and Vince battling for control of the movie, here's what you need to know: Drama finds himself in some...well, drama after he ends up on TMZ later in the movie. 'E' has to juggle a newfound single life (which as you might guess, he doesn't handle well) with having a pregnant girlfriend, and Turtle gets himself into all types of Turtle things, most of them centered around his courtship of Rousey.
So how does the movie end?
Duh, I'm not going to tell you here. You'll just have to go see it for yourself.
So should I go see it then?
My unequivocal answer is this: If you liked the show (and if you've made it this far into this article, then I'm guessing you do), then you'll love the movie.
And ultimately that's why I wanted to write this article in the first place: To present all of you who loved the show an alternate opinion on the movie.
The truth is, all the 'experts' writing reviews on this movie probably never understood why we loved this show in the first place. For us, it was never about the plot lines (or lack thereof), and it was never about how realistic or not the show is.
Instead, it was about was fun. And it was about thinking of what life could possibly be like if we were Vince, if we were young and rich and single, and had a bunch of our best friends along for the ride with us.
This show was never supposed to teach us big picture life lessons, but help us escape. It was about dreaming of a world where we liked our jobs a little bit more, and we replaced our kids and significant others with beautiful women, private yachts, and a bunch of cold beers.
It's something that the critics will never understand, but truthfully this movie was never for them anyway.
If you loved Vinnie and the guys through eight seasons of the show, you're going to love this movie.
Aaron Torres is a contributor to Outkick the Coverage and FOXSports.com. Follow him on Twitter @Aaron_Torres, Facebook or e-mail at ATorres00@gmail.com.
