In a clear bid to become the first woman and then man to win the ESPY for courage in back-to-back years, Caitlyn Jenner, aka the Olympian formerly known as Bruce Jenner, is contemplating becoming a man again according to CBS News. (I wish we could bring Walter Cronkite back to life and show him what CBS News has become. This is why Outkick really is the most trusted source in news today.) CBS's report which is based on a book about the Kardashian family -- seriously, if you buy or write this book you should be immediately lobotomized -- is that Jenner's life has been tougher than expected as a woman and she's had trouble with her continuing desire to sleep with women. The pronoun choices are killing me here.
Basically, Jenner isn't finding love like she expected to find love. To be fair, I always thought the fact that she still likes women didn't make sense. How many women are there who want to hook up with a woman who used to be a man, but still has male genitalia? I'm pretty sure no women want to sleep with me now -- including my wife -- and I'm a normal dude -- with great hair and a killer body for a post-menopausal woman. God forbid I had to find a woman if I was a woman who used to be a dude and dressed as a woman and had boobs but still kept my male genitals.
And I was over sixty.
Good luck with that.
Anyway, this is a potential death blow to the ESPY for courage, which until this moment had been the Nobel Peace Prize of sports awards released in the summer to make money when there are no games on TV. You'll recall that ESPN famously gave Caitlyn Jenner the ESPY for courage last year so they could get an exclusive interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC. It was a diabolical PC bro attempted check mate by ESPN because as soon as you pointed out that actual courage, at least in my book, required the risk of life or liberty, neither of which Jenner risked, they called you "intolerant." Nevertheless, in a bold move that garnered me the Outkick Lifetime ESPY for Courage, I pointed out that choosing which sex you wanted to be wasn't that courageous.
Look, I'm all for dudes who want to be women or women who want to be dudes doing whatever makes them happy, but when I came out and said I was black -- which I clearly am -- PC bro Chris Kluwe called me racist. So I'm stuck in this liberal logic puzzle that I can't figure out -- how is it courageous to pick your gender but racist to pick your race?
Speaking of picking your race, our white buddy pretending to be black, Shaun King, came out this week and said he's 75% white. He still doesn't know who his dad is -- and I'm no expert on math -- but I'm pretty sure this means that Shaun King is now saying the father he doesn't know was 50% black and a grandparent -- who he also doesn't know -- was 100% black. So he's just making up his racial background as he goes along. This is all getting so confusing. What if his grandfather or grandmother was only half black? That means he'd be 7/8ths white. Which is 87.5% white instead of 75% white. At what point can you stop claiming to be be black? This is an important question for me because I am 1/32nd black. (Fortunately for me, it's the part that knows why the caged bird sings, bitches).
This question gets even more complicated when you learn that the average black person in America today is nearly a quarter white according to DNA analysis. So Shaun King is claiming to be as black as the average black person is white in America today.
All this identity politics is so confusing it's making my head swim.
So I decided to go straight to the PC bro experts at ESPN to try and make sense of all of this mess for me. I emailed my friends at ESPN PR the following question: "Will ESPN have to reclaim the ESPY for courage if Caitlyn Jenner switches back to being a man?"
BREAKING: ESPN declined to comment on whether they would have to reclaim the ESPY for courage if Caitlyn switches back to being a man.
(If you say you wouldn't watch Chris Berman seize the ESPY for courage back on live television, you're a damn liar. This would be incredible television. And it would definitely outrate the actual ESPYs.)
But there's a clear sports precedent at play here: if the NCAA can take back Reggie Bush's Heisman because his parents got reduced rent on a beach house -- how much crap was that, by the way? -- then it would seem like ESPN would have to seize back the ESPY for courage if Caitlyn Jenner goes back to being a man. What's fair is fair.
Or, to be as equitable as possible, they could split the difference and give Caitlyn/Bruce the comeback player of the year award.
That's still TBC. In the meantime I'll be here in the Outkick offices listening to TLC's "Waterfalls" on constant repeat.
It's like they were warning us way back in the best year in American history, 1994.
LISTEN TO THE PRESCIENT LYRICS BRUCE/CAITLYN.
"Don't go chasing waterfalls
Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to
I know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all
But I think you're moving too fast
One day he goes and takes a glimpse in the mirror
But he doesn't recognize his own face"
TLC KNEW THE FUTURE!
MIND. BLOWN.
