I thrive in awkward, really I do. This show managed to cram everything that makes me uncomfortable into a 45 minute chunk: legitimate babies; ultrasounds; cookie lapel pins; a racism confrontation; men in scarves; my mother texting me that she liked my latest article. So thank you ABC, really.
The Men Tell All show opened up with one of the "most popular couples in the show's history." First of all, it was Ashley and JP sooo bullshit. Second they are easily one of the most annoying couples in show history. Ashley, who is normally super tiny now has boobs bigger than her head and is VERY pregnant. They are knocked up with what I like to call a legitimate baby. What's that you ask? Well some of my friends ages 25-29 have made the conscious decision to have a child. Children are great, but right now? I can barely keep myself together.
There was no shotgun wedding with these two, she's with fetus, and now they have come to have an ultrasound on national TV, because what else do you do when your 15 minutes of fame are running out and this child needs to go to college? The sex is revealed "for the first time" on national TV which is humorous since they announced it via social media MONTHS ago. It's a boy. Nobody cares.
Next up is the longest promo of a show inside of a show ever. We get an endless sneak peak of Bachelor in Paradise, which then gets brought up repeatedly for the remainder of the Men Tell All special.
Finally, at twenty-nine minutes in we finally have "The Men Telling All" and all of the guys present (so not Nick and Josh) are wearing atrocious scarves. Well played, douche canoes, well played. Things get awkward real fast. Chris and Marquel are clearly the focus on this episode. I'm assuming so producers can gauge viewer interest of who should be the next Bachelor.
A highlight reel is shown that makes me want to crawl in a hole of secondary embarrassment for all of them. I forgot how creepy Bradley the opera singer is. Super creep, he's super creepy. See what I did there? Also replayed is Chris's "Sour Grapes" confrontation with JJ, who is already coming off poorly.
And then we rehash the possible name calling of Marquel a "blackie" by Andrew which may or may not have actually ever happened. My thoughts? It didn't, at all. Why? Because JJ is the epitome of a shit stirrer. Andrew, who supposedly said it, tells us that this is now affecting his career, and that's just shitty. I mean obviously going on this show is going to impact your "day job," but it shouldn't be because of unsubstantiated accusations of racism. Andrew attempts to defend himself multiple times, while JJ just sits there quietly. Chris Harrison shows video footage of Andrew whispering to JJ during the rose ceremony but claims to not have audio. This only backs up my theory that this never happened, because if there's video, there should also be audio. [Ed note: I'm firmly in camp This Happened. While defending himself, Andrew calls Marquel the name of the only other black guy on the show. They all look the same, right Andrew?? But none of this changes the fact that JJ is a chump.] Chris attacks JJ after Marquel and Andrew hash it out, and it's fantastic. See ya never, JJ. You have zero friends.
Marquel and his cookie lapel pin go up to the "hot seat" with Chris Harrison. The audience is then treated to a highlight reel of colorful gingham shirts and cookies. Marquel sums up his time on the show as getting placed in "the friend zone," and as we all know, there's no getting out of that. Marcus is next in the hot seat and as he's watching his highlight reel I can only hope he's regretting doing that second striptease. I would be. He looks a lot more attractive tonight though, and he's clearly over this so I'm not sure why he's up there. Whatever, this was the perfect time to pour more wine.
Next my new pal Chris takes a turn in the hot seat. You can see from his highlight reel that Chris really did care about Andi and she stomped on his heart. Even though he likes Biggie, Chris is tied with Sean Lowe as my favorite in Bachelor/ette history. Part of me doesn't want him to be the new Bachelor, but that's selfish.
What's this? A "surprise" Stage 5 clinger in the audience who just happens to have a mic on? Weird. Some Trina named Petra raises her hand and asks to come down and talk to Chris because she's from a small town too. Chris, per usual, keeps his cool during this horrifically awkward encounter and Chris Harrison suggests that they go on a speed date during the commercial break. She gives him her number before slinking back to her seat.
Andi comes strolling out in a short version of a fancy prom dress to give closure or something. The biggest moment from her time in the hot seat is Chris brings back the lie detector tests that I told y'all would come back. Chris shares some of them, but then asks Andi if she wants to know what her two remaining guys lied about and she ultimately says she trusts them. So dumb.
Lastly (thank you God it's almost over!) we have to watch a montage of the two remaining guys, and Josh is definitely going to win this.
Next week's episode is THREE HOURS long. Obviously, I'll be live tweeting @cippywallace.
