If you are looking for hard-hitting analysis, yeah, this ain't it. But if you want a fun, entertaining read, you've found the right place. For more of Brandon Rifkin, please head to his blog or follow him on Twitter.
I haven't seen one second of the Troy game and I am totally okay with that. I was stuck at a wedding in Minnesota on Saturday afternoon, and it sounds like I didn't miss much. I don't think I've even looked at a box score. Have I grown up? Am I mature? Did I reach a point in my life where I don't need to obsess and schedule my life around a completely meaningless September buy-game? Not sure, but it feels pretty good to not worry about the Badgers and just live a little life out there.
PS - Wedding thoughts:
• Pretty sick of old people hating on young people music, even though I know it's gonna be me soon enough. They're playing songs like Runaround Sue and every parent on the dance floor doesn't shut up. "I tell ya, they don't write songs like this anymore." You know what happens next? Shut Up And Dance comes on and the roof of the building is removed by force. They don't write 'em like they used to? Well they definitely didn't write 'em like they do. Goes both ways, generation haters.
• Day weddings are downright LETHAL. This one was at a brewery, and the open bar was just a guy pouring straight from growlers they brought up from the brewery. How can you give me unlimited amazing amber beers and expect me to keep it together? And then you're all telling me to 'come on, just dance'? Okay, I'm not sure if you know how this works, but when you're a nerdy guy who sucks at dancing, it only becomes tolerable when you're drunk. And it only becomes fun when you're wasted. Classic messing with the bull and getting the horns situation.
• A friendly reminder: if you're making a speech at a wedding, keep it short. You're not Stephen Colbert who's gonna go up there and entertain the masses with some mind-melting oration. You're going to ramble and look like an idiot and probably stumble into something awkward. Don't be that person with the terrible speech.
• If you're a wedding DJ/band and you don't play any Taylor Swift then you need to find a new profession. Maybe go to trade school and become some union manual laborer. This line of work ain't your thang.
HAWAII: COOL PLACE TO VACATION, COMPLETELY BORING SCHOOL
Not many fun facts about the Flyin' Rainbow Warriors. Let's just mosey on over to their alumni.
• Bette Midler, Seinfeld guest actress. If you see her name and hear anything other than the Koreans in Seinfeld going "Bette Meedluh!" then I don't know how to save you.
• Jason Elam, kicker. This one really caught me off guard. But hey, pretty smart move when you're a kicker from Georgia. Go out to Hawaii and just tear it up for 4 years before being one of the best kickers ever? I came here expecting to make fun of Hawaii for having a kicker as one of their top alums, but now I'm jelly.
• Joani Blank (M.A. 1964 Asian Studies), sex educator, entrepreneur. Of course, you may know her as the author of the award-winning Good Vibrations: Being a Treatise on the Use of Machines in the Indolent Indulgence of Erotic Pleasure-Seeking Together with Important Hints on the Acquisition, Care, and Utilization of Said Machines and Much More about the Art and Science of Buzzing Off, Down There Press, 1976. Sounds fascinating.
• Richard D. Parsons (1968, B.A. history), CEO and Chairman of Time Warner, Inc. If you have at any time in your life worked for a large cable company then I want you to know that I wish all the bad things upon you. Except the front line support people. It's not THEIR fault their company is run by greedy asshats like Richard D. Parsons. You and I both know that "D" stands for douchebag.
• Ann Dunham (1967 B.A., 1983 M.A., 1992 Ph.D. anthropology), mother of U.S. President Barack Obama. Well look at the big brains on Ann! B.A. in 1967, then go back 16 years later for an M.A., and THEN go back 9 years later for a Ph.D? SHOW OFF. Imagine going after her at a networking event: "Well I grew up in Hawaii and got a B.A., M.A., and Ph.D there and also my son is the President of the United States. What do you do?"
• Barack Obama Sr. (1962, B.A. economics), father of U.S. President Barack Obama. Just an econ degree? Well we know where Obama got his smarts from. Dad's kind of a letdown in comparison.
• Joe Onosai, World's Strongest Man competitor. Only because I LOVE Samoan Strength. It's one of my favorite strengths around. Dad Strength is obviously number one, but Samoan Strength is definitely in the top 5. Something about a bunch of chill-ass dudes from the islands being the strongest men in the world really brings a smile to my face.
I give it three games before Deadspin has a video of a couple caught gettin' dirty in one of them.
THE BEER SCENE: HAWAII
I'm not entirely sure which city to attribute their university to, so let's find a brewery in Hawaii. ANY brewery in Hawaii will do. And that's how we end up at the Aloha Beer Company, which is about as creative as a Jewish brewery being called the Shalom Beer Place.
Apparently they only sell one beer: the Aloha beer. Did they write an obnoxiously hokey description to go with the beer? Of course!
Nuns are currently "tailgating" a Pope event. First tailgate of Week 4 pic.twitter.com/avDAzvL2bu
— Pick Six Previews (@PickSixPreviews) September 23, 2015
Aloha Beer embodies the classic Hawaiian lifestyle. With the generous spirit of Aloha as a namesake, this is a premium beer that combines the smooth balance of ohana with the refreshing, hang-loose attitude of a Sunday barbecue. Every bottle of 'Hawaii's Beer' is a heartfelt 'wish you were here' message from the Islands of Aloha. We can't create a Hawaiian sunrise, but we can brew the next best thing.
I expected nothing less. And I don't want to hate because the thought of drinking a bakers dozen Alohas on the beach sounds blissful to no end. What do they make at Hawaiian BBQs? I don't care I'll take 5 to go with the beer. Never bother me again. Thanks.
MATCHUP TO WATCH
Stave's Ability To Put Up Heisman Numbers vs. The Pressure Of Being A Heisman Contender In A Night Game. I generally try to avoid the most obvious match up here, but this week we can't skate around the edges. No doubt this is a pivotal moment in the #StaveHeisman campaign. This is basically the debate, and we need Stave to be the definitive winner of the debate to make sure he's properly positioned for a stretch run. Doesn't matter if you're watching on Fox or CNN, I fully expect all the experts to be hailing Stave Saturday's big winner.
THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU
Today I wonder
How many syllables in
Joel Stave Heisman
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
I DID NOT KNOW PORCUPINES COULD MAKE THOSE NOISES. This changes EVERYTHING. I want a pet porcupine now to play with my hypothetical future dog. They'd be best friends and I could start a YouTube series and retire and just be happy.
PREDICTION CITY
At home, under the lights, against a crappy opponent? THE PICK:
WISCONSIN 47, ALO-HA-HE 13
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