The Bachelor Recap, Episode Two
I don't know what sleep is right now, so this recap may be horrifically mean or just rambling. I'm currently fighting complacency, and it's tough, but I think I can beat it. Just waiting on Saban to send me the cure.
Let's do this...
-Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace are going on the group date. Lace immediately tells us she's excited because she can "redeem herself." No, you're done here chick. It's day TWO, and you're in PR crisis mode. Thanks for being you, Lace.
-In what should not be a surprise to anyone with half a brain, Lace can't read.
-JoJo makes a horrible analogy about the ingredients needed to make a volcano explode to love. Girl, I am trying SO hard to like you. Stop.
-Watching Becca and JoJo try to find Indiana on a map is one of the more painful things I've ever witnessed. Just goes to show, you can get away with a lot if you're pretty. Remember that, ladies of the 85%.
-The most shocking part of the group date is that Mandi was sober for the majority of it and I didn't see a back tat on Lace.
-Ben's a hand holder. That means he has no concept of personal space in airport security lines. Someone start a Ben hand holding count.
-JoJo is redeeming herself from her volcano love analogy, so it's only fitting she gets the first helicopter pad alone time. ALL OF THE CLICHES.
-Oh no, we are not going to have a kumbaya session of telling each girl how great they are at the end of every group date. Nope, no way. Wussification of America 101.
-I'm willing to bet that only 8% of these girls actually saw Ride Along One, but they're doing a good job pretending to be excited about Ice Cube and Kevin Hart. In reality, they're all super pissed they didn't get Amy Schumer.
-I hate when ABC brings celebrities on here to pimp out their latest dumpster fire movie. It's so awkward and forced and Ben just keeps giggling like a fanboy. You can't convince me that he knew who Ice Cube and Kevin Hart were before this.
-Caila gets the one-on-one date. She's cute, but the perkiness might just kill me given my mood right now. Caila tells Ben that she hasn't met the right person and is getting all sappy. Ben responds with, "What's your favorite color?" This season is going to be so incredibly long.
-Did you know that Ben is unlovable?? He's managed to convince me of this already. During this conversation, Caila strategically leaves out the fact that SHE BROKE UP WITH HER EX BECAUSE SHE "FELL IN LOVE" WITH A GUY SHE SAW ON A TV SHOW.
-Okay fine, I'll admit I'm jealous of the Amos Lee concert. Whatever.
-Emily, Shushonna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, and Amanda are going on the next group date. Olivia has stopped wearing makeup around the house already. Talk about a power move.
-The twins are growing on me. I can't believe I'm saying that either, but they're clearly in on their own gimmick. They're self-aware and admit that they aren't smart. I like it.
-Justin Bieber's "Love Yourself" was written about Olivia. I'm fully confident in this. You can't out-manipulate the chick who invented manipulation. I'm a fan of her because she knows how to play the game, and that's what this show is, a game.
-Amanda talks about how hard it is that Olivia got alone time first. Is it as hard as leaving your kids for three months to find love on national TV?? Asking for a friend.
-Samantha, Ben said you smelled sour. Just go pack at this point, please.
-I CANNOT HANDLE THE CEREMONIAL "LET ME TELL YOU ALL THE THINGS YOU ALL DID RIGHT TODAY BEFORE I GIVE ONE OF YOU A ROSE" BULLSHIT. Ben probably supports participation medals and not keeping score at kids' sporting events.
-LACE AND OLIVIA SHOWDOWN! Olivia won that, and it wasn't even close. Why does Lace talk about herself in the 3rd person?
-Lace tells Ben that she has a very bold personality, but that she also looked dorky when she was little. Wait, what? I don't think telling a guy you are working on a part of yourself, that you aren't crazy, and that you are a lot to handle is the way I would've gone, but I'm not an expert on finding love on TV.
-Who is the chick in the fuschia dress? Has she been here the whole time? Also, ABC we get it, Amber's back, stop letting her babble.
-This show is too easy. Lauren B. is so in. Told you so.
-Did I just kind of tear up at Ben making hair accessories for Amanda's girls? I did. I'm not proud. This might actually be one of my lowest moments.
-Serious question, how many texts/phone calls a day does Lace require of whomever she's dating? Like 50 texts, 4 phone calls? More??
SEE YA NEVER: Samantha, Mandi, Jennifer (I think?)
I promise the live tweeting will be back next week. Follow along @MattieLouOKTC and we'll see how many "participation medals" Ben can hand out.