The reason this is a day late is that football trumps finding love, always. I was at the National Championship game, which you all should have been watching instead. Men, if your wife made you watch The Bachelor instead of the game, well that's your own damn fault for marrying someone who controls you like a puppet. Enjoy that.
While those of us from OKTC were at the game, we were thinking about the show. After the game I got to meet and talk with Jenny Taft (who is awesome) when I went to say hey to Clay. Clay then got to listen to Jenny and I dissect episode 1, Andi and Josh's breakup (told ya so), and previous seasons. He seemed thrilled. Anyway, we heard we missed a good episode and that this season seems to have a lot of crazies (yay!) and that they went to VEGAS which leads to the most important part of these recaps...
Finding Todd Fuhrman a Bae
Let's go ahead and make it clear that I'm using the term bae sarcastically, because as Hayley told y'all, it's an atrocious word. It's also a word that Todd would never utter. For those of you who have emailed me, THANK YOU! I've gotten them, read them, and I'm holding on to them, because right now I have nothing to tell y'all yet. Keep sending me (mattielouchandler@gmail.com) your summary about why you think you two could ride down the Vegas strip into the sunset!
Each week I'm going to give you a few fun facts about Todd starting with the basics:
He's from Chicago and went to boarding school for high school. He's very smart and not a degenerate gambler. So what you really want to know is if this whole gambling thing doesn't work out, don't worry, he's got a brain and he'll be just fine.
He has one sister. While I've never met her, I know all about her, and I think she's cooler than Todd. They're super close, and he's also close with his parents. His family lives in Arizona.
He played hockey at Wesleyan University where he majored in International Economics.
He refuses to get rid of his Blackberry. This drives me insane and I'm pretty sure is a reason he continues to remain loyal to it because he knows how much we all hate it.
His favorite foods are Mexican and a good steak, and his favorite color is green. I don't actually know what his favorite color is, but green seems like a safe assumption. His response if I asked him would be, "who the hell cares what my favorite color is?"
On to the recap...
This episode we find out that everyone in the house has either had an immediate family member pass away or has a child. What the hell ABC? Also, I learned this week that Ashley S. is an Auburn alum. Yes, the same Ashley S. who is a clone of pre-rehab Kim Richards from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. This is phenomenal news to me. There were 2 group dates and 1 one-on-one.
We start out STILL at the night one cocktail party (now morning) where Kimberly talks Chris into letting her stay for one more round. Spoiler: this never works out how these chicks think it will in their heads. After it's announced she's coming back, the girls complain, and they move on with the day.
Chris Harrison, the man with the easiest job in America, tells the ladies that there are no rules in the house and that Chris is actually living in the guest house at the bottom of the driveway. Did ABC get new producers this season? Because I love them.
Group Date: The theme is "Show Me Your Country" and attending will be Mackenzie, Tara, Ashley I., Jade, Tandra and Kimberly.
The date begins by racing tractors down a blocked off street in LA in bikinis. Tara wants us all to know she knows EXACTLY (read: not at all) the kind of country he is looking for and she's totally going to win, just like we all know that Sports Fishing Enthusiast means unemployed. I'm more worried that child who has a child, Mackenzie, is not legally old enough to operate a tractor since she announces that she did not realize tractors move so slow. Again, go home. Ashley I., the crazy girl who has never had a boyfriend and is a virgin, wins the race, thus getting awkward one-on-one time with Chris on a tractor. They chat, it's weird, they don't kiss.
Jade knows she's the prettiest one there and is trying to play the sweet innocent card, but I'm certain she is a secret stripper who is batshit crazy. Just trust me on this. They all end up chatting and then it's time for the group date rose, and in a move I didn't see coming, it's the child with a child. So apparently Chris likes them young? Who knew?
Mackenzie, who is just as stunned as the rest of us, and Chris head to a restaurant to get drinks. ChildMom decides to tell him she has a kid, but not without getting super weird about it and saying that it's hard for her to tell people. She tells him, Chris is totally cool with it, whatever. Then she asks him if he believes in aliens, which is followed by telling him that he has a really big nose, but that it's "literally, like perfect." He gives her a (pity) rose. There's some dancing and a kiss. And I now know why she hasn't been on a date in a year.
Back at the house, Jillian and Megan go down to Chris's house to snoop while he's gone. Megan is clearly hammered and puts on his helmet and rams her head into every wall in the house. No, that is not a typo, she slams her head into the wall to make sure that it's safe. Jillian is just snooping, which confirms that she is in fact nuts.
Juelia makes us all cry by revealing that her husband committed suicide, and she's raising their daughter alone. I can no longer make fun of her misspelled name. Unless she does something crazy, she's got a free pass.
One-on-one date: Megan thinks the date card is just a sweet note and not a date. She's the makeup artist from Nashville. I'm thinking it's a good thing this girl is pretty. They take a plane to visit Todd Fuhrman in Vegas. Kidding. But they do go to Vegas and take a helicopter ride around the Grand Canyon and have a picnic. During the picnic, she tells us that her dad had a massive heart attack before she left for the show and died and now I'm a terrible person. She gets a rose, but I don't think it's a pity rose like Mackenzie's.
Second Group Date: The theme is "Until Death Do Us Part." Okay ABC, let's put the two girls who have dead husbands on a date related to dying. On this date are Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracey, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Britt.
They're going paintballing to kill zombies. Britt thinks she is AMAZING at paintball, which normally means she's going to suck and she does. Something about her is off and drives me nuts. She gets some one-on-one time with Chris, who brings her a coupon for a free kiss like her free hug coupon on night one. I want to puke. Remember, this is the hugger who doesn't have sex.
Ashley S. steals the show of this group date. This girl cannot be serious. She is on a Xanax/Prozac cocktail of some sort. I honestly do not think coherent thoughts run through her head, ever. At first it was hilarious, but now I'm beginning to become concerned. Someone emailed me and told me his friend dated her at Auburn, and she is exactly like this. I can't believe it.
Kaitlyn, who I think could be my best friend so don't screw it up and do something dumb, is hilarious. She and Chris have some great one-on-one time, she gets the group date rose, and they kiss. Cool.
The Rose Ceremony: These are always so unnecessarily drawn out. Whitney, my front runner, brings Chris a bottle of her favorite whiskey. I like this girl because she brings gifts that are both appreciated and useful. Britt, meanwhile, is crying after seeing Chris make out with Ashley I., who tells him he has 3 wishes while she's here that come from her Princess Jasmine belly button ring. Chris will have to rub her belly to get his wish! Anyone still have any questions as to why this chick's never had a boyfriend?
Mackenzie lets us know that she is so jealous that Ashley I. gets to play the virgin card, because she has a kid so she can't use it and people would know she is lying. Yes, welcome to 7th grade biology.
Trina is worried that Jordan has had too many drinks. While this is entirely true, I need Trina to be a bitch. I do not like a nice Trina.
As Chris is handing out roses, he calls for Juelia to come get hers, except Jillian goes up to get it and proceeds to bust it, badly, in front of everyone. Here it is on repeat.
Wrong name. Walk forward. Fall down. #thebachelor https://t.co/HDe4JNbV0N
— Barrett Sallee (@BarrettSallee) January 14, 2015
Fantastic.
See ya never: Jordan who is too drunk to care, Kimberly who can't take a hint, Tara who is uncontrollably sobbing, probably because she's realizing Sport Fishing Enthusiast is not actually a job she can go home to, Tandra who is entirely too competitive, and Alissa the flight attendant.
Next week it's back to live tweeting and a recap on Tuesday, which sadly means football is over and this is what we have left. You can follow along @MattieLouOKTC and send me your applications for Todd!
