By Jon Reed
The holiday season is upon us. I hope you have behaved this season and not been poisoning trees, touching people with your genitals without implied consent, wearing jorts, drinking Dool-Aid, or making videos of you singing in a hog’s head with your nose taped up.
Shopping season has officially begun, so it is important to have your Christmas wish list prepared.
What are the schools of the SEC asking for?
Kentucky Wildcats:
As long as Coach John Calipari has the machine that is Kentucky Basketball as well-oiled as that slick head of his, little attention is being paid to the football program.
No, seriously. Have you seen their attendance? LITTLE attention is being paid.
However, the rare breed of ‘Cat that is a football fan is hoping to bring over Kliff Kingsbury.
The man. The myth. The legend. The 33-year-old offensive wizard knows a lot about scoring and is destined to be a hot name in the coaching carousel. He could make Kentucky an exciting football team. That’s really all you could ask for.
Plan B: Gus Malzahn
Auburn Tigers:
For Texas to fire Mack Brown and make an offer Nick Saban cannot refuse. (This is a dream scenario for the whole SEC.)
HOWEVER, deep down Auburn fans know that they have been naughty and have not been forgiven for the Cam Newton scandal. So Auburn, looks like you are going to have to settle for a big stocking stuffer.
Charlie Strong aka Chuck E. Muscles
Missouri Tigers:
These guys seem to be loving their move to the SEC, right? From thanking Georgia for showing them a good time to making shirts for beating Kentucky, Mizzou is generally content. They just want to express their gratitude for being placed in the East where they are guaranteed to get to play Kentucky and Tennessee every year. Their one small request would be for James Franklin to return to his sophomore form for the start of the 2013 campaign.
Vanderbilt Commodores:
Speaking of James Franklin…
Vandy fans have KEEPING their football coach as their number one wish. It is going to be tough, but I get the feeling that Franklin is not going anywhere for at least the next three seasons. Enjoy him while you can. Plan B: Keeping Derek Dooley in charge and in orange on the eastern side of the state.
Ole Miss Rebels:
Rebel fans are happy to be removed from the Houston Nutt days. The Hugh Freeze era looks promising, so fans have turned their focus to off the field matters.
Their wish list is short and simple: For TV Networks put The Blindside into rotation more. And for the national love-fest with “Bama Bangs” to end. Ole Miss Frat Daddies were rocking that look way before MTV started airing that show Two A Days.
Mississippi State Bulldogs:
They want MORE. COWBELL.
Plan B: Finding a way to get LSU and Alabama both on probation.
Arkansas Razorbacks:
Arkansas fans just want Bobby Petrino back. Yes he was a creepy old man, but he was THEIR creepy old man. And a hell of a football coach. Barring a Christmas miracle, this is probably not going to happen.
Plan B: Getting this lady to quit making videos.
Texas A&M:
So much for all of the questions about whether or not the Aggies can hang in the SEC, eh? On their wish list this Christmas is the health of Johnny Football. Every football fan (outside of Alabama at least) can agree that this kid is fun to watch. Three more uninterrupted seasons of watching him play ball is all they want.
Plan B: Getting to play Alabama after their annual clash with LSU every season would not be a bad gift.
South Carolina Gamecocks:
A healthy, full recovery for Marcus Lattimore should be on the list of not only every football fan, but every person in general. A quarterback that the Ol’ Ball Coach likes and can trust wouldn’t be bad either. Seeing the annual Spurrier blow-up that leads to him benching his quarterback is a treat, but watching his offense with “his” quarterback would be a thing of beauty.
Plan B: The nation taking South Carolina seriously as a program.
LSU Tigers:
Deep down, LSU fans just want Nick Saban to publically admit that he was happier with them than he is in Tuscaloosa. Wouldn’t that be the best gift?
Plan B: Playing every home game at night.
Plan C: Getting Les Miles to bring the crazy down from level 9 to a level 7. That’s not asking too much.
Plan D: Crown Royal. Lots of Crown Royal.
Tennessee Volunteers:
Jon. Gruden.
At this point, anyone else would be a lump of coal. At the very least, Vol fans can take some solace in the fact that the Dooley experiment is over.
Plan B: Sending DoubleD and Sal Sunseri back to Alabama.
Plan C: A time machine that can take them back to the early 2000s before it all went wrong.
Florida Gators:
A couple of months ago, Gator fans would have been asking for a new coach, but a surprisingly successful season has silenced that chatter. All the Florida fans want is for the Georgia Bulldogs to actually have to play a real SEC schedule and not have the East handed to them on a platter.
Plan B: Preventing Will Muschamp’s head from exploding on the field during a game.
Georgia Bulldogs:
At this point UGA is worried about coming across as greedy. Schedule makers have been admittedly kind the past two seasons. For Christmas, Bulldog fans would like to point out to Florida fans that despite their “easy” schedule, they won the East this season by shutting down the Gators (Gamecock fans need not comment).
Plan B: Keeping Jon Gruden out of Knoxville.
Alabama Crimson Tide:
The age old holiday question: what do you get the fans that already have everything? Besides a grip on reality and an understanding of the world outside of the south.They have already received their biggest wish with the best college football coach in the world, the closest thing to a dynasty you can have in 2012, and a roster full of NFL talent. So what do the Crimson Tide want for Christmas?
Nothing.
Nick Saban thinks Christmas is a waste of time and takes focus away from the team.
Cancel it.
ROLL TIDE!
