Jackson, Mississippi Mayoral Candidate Delivers Worst Speech Ever
Ever wonder what the worst mayoral candidate speech ever delivered might look like?
Well, wonder no more. Meet Gwendolyn Chapman, a candidate for Jackson, Mississippi's mayoral office. This speech was given several days ago, but only a few thousand people have watched it on YouTube. Tonight one of you sent it to me. What begins as a slow moving car accident on icy roads, rapidly turns into a full-fledged natural disaster. Candidate Chapman's major economic plan is to reclaim the trillion dollars we spend abroad on hemp each year and instead bring that money back to Mississippi.
Why?
Well, to make the state richer, but also to protect citizens from nuclear war. If that sounds like a bit of a stretch for a mayoral race in a Mississippi town, well, you don't know the power of hemp to protect and repel us from nuclear assault.
In honor of the return of "Veep," you just have to watch this address.
It's time to add a name to the roster of great American political orators: Lincoln, FDR, Kennedy, Reagan, Obama, meet Gwendolyn Chapman.
Here's a full transcript as provided by the local news station. I have highlighted my favorite parts of her address.
"GOOD DAY. MY NAME IS GWENDOLYN WARD OSBOURNE CHAPMAN, MAYOR CANDIDATE. MY MOTTO IS MOVE THE CHANGE FORWARD, TO A ONE LOVE. MY PLATFORM IS TO BUILD AND MAINTAIN A STRONG ECONOMIC FOUNDATION FOR THE PURPOSE OF FAMILYHOOD AND UNITY TO BE CREATED IN OUR COLLECTIVE WORK AND RESPONSIBILITY TOWARD KNOWLEDGE, WISDOM AND LOVE. THE REASON I KNOW I'M THE BEST CANDIDATE FOR THIS MAYORTORIAL RACE IS, WELL I'LL LET YOU ALL DECIDE THAT AT THE POLLS, IS BECAUSE I HAVE A PERFECT FINANCIAL, ECONOMIC PLAN. THE UNITED STATES SPENDS OVER A TRILLION DOLLARS A YEAR ON PRODUCTS MADE OF INDUSTRIAL HEMP. MISSISSIPPI IS AN AGRICULTURAL STATE. WE HAVE THE CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO TAKE THAT SAME PRODUCT THAT THE UNITED STATES SPENDS OVER IN CHINA, UK AND OTHER COUNTRIES. WE CAN USE THAT MONEY. SO WHEN YOU GO TO THE POLLS AND VOTE, VOTE GWEN WARD OSBOURNE CHAPMAN BECAUSE THE CANNABIS IS MADE OF COTTON, CORN. IT'S MADE OF PETROLEUM. IT'S MADE OF ALL THAT YOU CAN NAME OF AND THEN THE IMPORTANT THING ABOUT IT IS IF THERE WAS TO BE A NUCLEAR WARFARE THIS PLANT WOULD DISSOLVE RADIATION... AND REPEL IT. VOTE GWEN WARD OSBOURNE CHAPMAN FOR MAYOR AND LET'S RISE FROM THE BOTTOM TO THE TOP. THANK YOU."
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I don't know about y'all, but I am SOLD.
