Haymaker's alternate-reality prognostications for UFC 171

Haymaker's alternate-reality prognostications for UFC 171

Published Mar. 15, 2014 1:17 a.m. ET

OK, so we have no idea what's going to happen at UFC 171. What do we look like, Miss Cleo? Of course, that won't stop us from telling you what could happen.

In some reality, Saturday night in Dallas might look a little like this:

Ovince St. Preux vs. Nikita Krylov

Aside from having one of the coolest nicknames in MMA (Al Capone), no one knows who the hell Krylov is, so the crowd is dead silent when he walks in except for some crazy Russian dude in the fifth row.


A similar thing happens for St. Preux, except Ray Longo curses him out, because he was the guy who poked Gian Villante in the eye last year in Jersey. Longo instantly becomes a Krylov fan, telling him to "punch a #$%^ hole in his chest."

That doesn’t actually happen, because no one really knows what it means. St. Preux wins a decision. Everyone forgets about seven minutes later.

Jake Shields vs. Hector Lombard

The fans are a little confused who to cheer for in this one -- Shields, who is not the most exciting fighter in the world, or Lombard, who Shields so aptly noted this week is "a prick." The WWE would have never booked such a heel vs. heel match up. Bad job by Joe Silva.

Anyway, this one goes exactly the way you might expect. As soon as Lombard comes in with power punches, Shields takes him down and lays on him. That persists for three full rounds. Lombard almost goes all Paul Daley, but stops himself. Shields tells Rogan afterward that he wants a title shot or something like that. It's hard to hear, because he's speaking so quietly. And mumbling. The boos from the crowd drown out his words.

Then, Shields abruptly grabs the mic. He tells Rogan to go #%&*. The guy has clearly had enough. He won't be the fans' whipping boy any longer. Shields drops some f-bombs, throws up the double bird and goes full Diaz. He's immediately given a No. 1 contender fight by UFC president Dana White.

Diego Sanchez vs. Myles Jury

Sanchez gets the loudest pop of the evening and starts the crowd on a "Yes!" chant. Next week, the WWE will file a cease and desist against the UFC for copyright infringement.

Anyway, Texas loves Sanchez almost as much as they love beer and food that will clog your arteries. Jury doesn’t stand much of a chance. Sanchez comes out like a wild man, beating his chest, jawing, feeding off the crowd.

He said he would tone down the brawling and be more technical in this fight, but the man just can't help himself. He has to give the people what they want. Are you not entertained?!

Sanchez ends up winning a bloody, knock-down, drag-out war, as expected. Afterward, Sanchez tells Rogan that the UFC is too tame for him at this point. He's off to Russia to fight with Hip Show, that two-on-two MMA disaster. The crowd cheers wildly.

Carlos Condit vs. Tyron Woodley

Bruce Buffer announces Condit as "the pound-for-pound most handsome man in the UFC." Everyone in the arena nods in agreement.

Condit wanted this fight to go five rounds, which gave away his strategy. He clearly wanted to use his cardio, but Woodley won't let him, going right at him from the bell. The former All American wrestler shoots, takes Condit down and then pushes him against the cage.

Condit is too good for that. He uses the fence to stand up and get some separation. But while he's doing that, Woodley winds up for a overhand right hand. It connects and Condit goes down. He's out. One-punch knockout for Woodley.

After the fight, Woodley tells Rogan it’s his time. He calls Johny Hendricks and Robbie Lawler, Georges St-Pierre and Nick Diaz, Marty Hart and Rustin Cohle. Woodley even calls out Demetrious "Mighty Mouse" Johnson and Mike Dolce says afterward that he could "easily" get Woodley down to 125 pounds.

Johny Hendricks vs. Robbie Lawler

The crowd is at a fever pitch for this fight. Most of the Dallas fans in attendance have been drinking since the weigh-ins. They’re also still wearing the same clothes.

Hendricks walks to the cage with a hint of reluctance in his eyes. Missing weight the first time Friday was not expected. But he felt better after he and Mike Dolce ceremonially destroyed his faulty, $1,500 scale in the fighter hotel lobby Friday night. Kelvin Gastelum was there, too.

Lawler's music plays. And plays some more. There's no sign of him. Rogan and Goldberg throw it to on-the-spot reporter Megan Olivi, who is with Matt Hughes. Hughes explains Lawler fell asleep and his team is trying to jostle him.

Eventually, Lawler awakens and rubs the crust from his eyes and starts for the cage. Hendricks thinks he has things in the bag. And it looks that way early. Hendricks dominates the first two rounds using his wrestling. But then he starts to fade in the third. Lawler is starting to land and hard.

Hendricks dives for a double and Lawler hits him with an uppercut and then left hook. Hendricks goes to sleep. A stunning knockout for Lawler. The crowd is on its feet! Dallas is going crazy!

Lawler celebrates by yawning and shaking American Top Team coach Ricardo Loborio's hand.

Rogan hops into the cage, putting a mic in Lawler's face. Lawler isn't sure if what's happening is real or a dream, mostly because he was actually asleep 15 minutes earlier. Lawler then gets really excited when he learns what just occurred, saying in monotone that winning the welterweight title is "great."

Rogan grabs a visually disappointed Hendricks, who says he just simply got caught. Then he sets the UFC record for answering a question with a question. "You know what I mean?" "Does that make sense?"

All of a sudden, Georges St-Pierre makes his way into the cage and is standing across from Hendricks. Is this about to be a big announcement about GSP's return and a rematch with Hendricks?

St-Pierre grabs the mic and congratulates Lawler and Hendricks for a great fight. GSP says he wants to return to the UFC -- but not to fight. He just wants to attend the after parties. He's angling for a job the one given to Hughes or Liddell -- only in "adult beverage development."

That's how the show ends. Later in the press conference, White will announce Nick Diaz gets the next shot against Lawler and that he never really wanted Hendricks to win anyway, because of "that stupid beard."