We had multiple seasons of "Game of Thrones" where we learned less than we have in the first three episodes of season six. But so far the two things we thought were most likely to happen -- Jon Snow comes back to life and abandons the Night's Watch, have both happened.
So what did we learn this week and what's coming next? Let's dive in and discuss.
1. Jon Snow rises from the dead and has a conversation with Davos to begin the episode.
"What do you remember?" Davos asks?
"They stabbed me," Snow responds.
"What did you see?" Melisandre asks. "Nothing. Nothing at all," a nihilistic Jon Snow says. "I did what I thought was right and I got murdered for it," he says.
Couple of things about this opening scene: Melisandre doesn't seem that surprised that SHE JUST BROUGHT A DEAD MAN BACK TO LIFE. I expected maybe a bit more joy here. How about giving the Lord of Lights his due. He gives you great boobs even though you're hundreds of years old and you just brought a dude back to life? Seems pretty impressive.
Also, is it wrong of me to think that it would be the ultimate George R.R. Martin move to bring Jon Snow back to life and then have Ramsay kill him to end Season Six and have the hounds dismember him to ensure that he can't be brought back to life again?
This would be brutal, to end season six the same way you ended season five but this year to ensure he's dead forever.
2. Snow heads outside to reveal himself to the stunned men and Tormund pulls him aside to tell him the men all think he's a god.
Then Tormund delivers the best line of season six so far. Tormund says he knows Snow's not a god because he saw him naked and, "What kind of God would have a pecker that small?"
Pure. Gold.
This is exactly what Snow needs, a good dick joke to help him recover from his murder and resurrection. (One of you pointed out in the show that it's asking quite a bit for Jon Snow to have a good dick day after he was stabbed to death. Did you see how much blood he lost? Snow needs to defend the honor of his penis around the campfire soon. "Brother, the blood was all out of my dick then. You should see it now.")
This also makes GOT three for three on the season with perfect dick jokes.
So far, by the way, we have no sign that Snow's personality or behavior is any different at all despite the death and resurrection.
Also, I can't help but think there are probably some Christians out there saying they like "Game of Thrones," but that the part where Jon Snow comes back to life is just too unbelievable.
3. Samwell's on a boat -- bitch -- with Gilly.
He's puking and discussing where he's taking them to be safe and I have to be honest with you, as cute as this incest baby is it's still the product of rape and incest and I think he's going to have serious issues. Do you really want an incest baby named after you?
Anyway, Samwell's so nice it made realize -- we've reached peak likability on Thrones this season. Think about all the major characters that are very likable right now: Jon Snow, Davos, Jaime Lannister, Samwell, Gilly, Tyrion, Lady Brienne, and Daenerys. That's more likable GOT characters than I think we've ever had at once.
And how imbalanced is that with the awful major characters. We've got Ramsay and that's pretty much it, right? Maybe the High Sparrow. There have never been more likable and less hateable characters in the show's history.
That means we're about to have some seriously painful murders happen, right?
It has to be coming really soon.
(And we need Little Finger back too. He shouldn't be gone this long.)
4. Bran takes us back in time and we see Young Ned Stark advancing on the Tower of Joy.
One good question that was asked in our post-Thrones show -- are Bran and the old man time traveling or are they simply watching something that has already happened in the past? I don't know the answer. I ask it because it certainly seemed like Ned paused when Bran called out "Father!" as Ned began to climb the stairs. That suggests they are time traveling.
Anyway, Ned fought Arthur Dayne, the best swordfighter in the kingdom, and was defeated until Howland Reed, Meera's father, stabbed Dayne through the back of the neck from behind. (Did Howland play dead or was he stunned and then get back up at exactly the right time? Regardless, Bran remarks that this story is much different than what he was told, setting the stage for a major reveal on Jon Snow as well.)
Bran wants to follow his father up the stairs to see who the crying woman is -- we assume it's Lyanna Stark, giving birth to Jon Snow -- but before we can see what Ned saw, the old man insists that Bran leave the past.
I still believe it's likely that Snow is the offspring of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, meaning it's possible Snow, as both a Stark and a Targaryen, is made up of both ice and fire.
(Remember Howland Reed -- who sounds like a Mississippi blues musician -- is Meera Reed's, the brunette sitting outside the tree with Bran, father. So one theory that is floating around is that Jon Snow and Meera Reed are twins and that Howland took Meera and Ned took Jon when they found Lyanna Stark dying after childbirth.)
An angry Bran is told by the old man in the tree, who says he's been waiting on Bran for a thousand years, "You won't be an old man in the tree."
So the bet here is still that Bran finds out who Jon's parents are and tells him before the season is over.
5. Daenerys is with the Dothraki widows.
Her clothes are ripped off but we don't see her naked because word is she negotiated into her contract that she wouldn't be naked any more in the episodes. So if you want to see her naked you'll have to go back to season one.
It's only a matter of time until the dragons come and save her from the Dothraki widows, right?
If so, what's the point of this storyline?
Everything outside of the north seems like a distraction to me. HELLO, THERE ARE WHITE WALKERS COMING. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.
6. Varys figures out who the Sons of the Harpy are and Tyrion tries to convince Missandei and her boyfriend to play games with him.
AGAIN, THERE ARE WHITE WALKERS COMING! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS.
Sure, it would be great to end the coup in Mereen, but if the white walkers are coming, does it really matter whether the Sons of the Harpy are defeated or not?
Another theory we've discussed on the past two episodes of Outkick's "Game of Thrones" post-show, is it possible Tyrion is a Targaryen and not actually the son of Tywin Lannister? The idea behind this is that Tyrion's hair is evidently a different color in the books and that he was able to talk to the dragons last week. Plus, the Targaryen king evidently had a thing for Tyrion's mom. I'm not sure if this theory is true, but the idea of there being three dragons for three remaining Targaryen's is intriguing. We know Daenerys is a Targaryen and it seems likely that Jon Snow is too. Could Tyrion be the third? (And if it's not Tyrion, could it be Meera?)
Stay tuned.
Because this is infinitely more interesting than the palace intrigue.
7. Jaime and Cersei want spies everywhere.
They are attempting to seize back power from the council where we see that Grandma Tyrell has joined the crew. You know Grandma Tyrell hates the sparrows. I'd love to see her murder the High Sparrow.
The Mountain is still walking around doing nothing, surely he starts to kill people soon, right?
And the Lannisters are in the middle of a two-fronted war now, with the Sparrows in their kingdom and the Sand Snakes of Dorne as well. But, again, all I care about is the white walkers.
It's hard to get worried about political intrigue when the white walkers are advancing to kill everyone.
8. PC Bro Tommen sits down with the High Sparrow.
Rather than demand that his wife, Queen Margaery, be immediately freed, Tommen is seeking permission for his mother to see where his sister is buried. The High Sparrow won't even allow this, but Tommen doesn't do anything to combat this indignity because he's a huge PC bro pussy.
Have you seen Margaery's boobs? If you aren't willing to die to free those boobs, what are you willing to die for?
Say what you will about Joffrey being an awful human being, but can you imagine Joffrey letting all of this happen on his watch? Joffrey would have crushed the Sparrows.
9. Arya's training progresses to the point that she drinks the death water and survives.
She even gets her eyesight back and reiterates her ongoing death list.
But, again, why does this story matter now? You've got an army of dead people advancing to wipe out everyone, unless she can kill the king white walker do we really need to have a trained assassin?
Every scene that Arya has that isn't with the Hound -- could he still be alive, Revenant style? -- is a total waste of time.
I'm already sick of seeing her get her ass beat by the queen bee mean chick.
10. Ramsay Snow now has Rickon Stark.
Say goodbye to Rickon's dick.
We haven't even seen Rickon Stark since season three, but he's grown like two feet in height and now looks like a teenager. This is the danger with casting kids, they grow much faster than everyone else.
Rickon's direwolf is dead -- shouldn't it have done a better job protecting him? -- and I believe we're down to three direwolfs now. Sansa, Rob, and Rickon's are all dead. We know Jon Snow's Ghost is still alive and I think Arya's dire wolf, wherever it is, and Bran's dire wolf are both still alive too.
Anyway, Rickon's capture just solidifies the looming conflict between Ramsay and Jon Snow, it's the main event for season six, everything is building to this confrontation.
But if Jon Snow kills Ramsay isn't that too predictable? I feel like something wild will happen. Maybe Ramsay dies, but he isn't burned to death and he ends up King of the White Walkers?
11. Jon Snow executes the men who killed him -- wear it Olly! -- and then leaves the Night's Watch.
"You shouldn't be alive, it's not right," says one of the men about to be hanged.
"Neither was killing me," says Jon Snow, in one of the most awkward moments of Thrones dialogue in recent memory.
We then get Alliser Thorne -- the deadpool favorite entering this episode -- saying that he would have made the same decision even if he'd known how this would end.
Olly doesn't even have any final words and Snow cuts the rope, hanging all four men. Told that he should burn the bodies, Snow removes his heavy black coat and hands it to his friend, "You have Castle Black," Snow says, "My watch has ended."
It's a great mic drop line for Snow, but it was very predictable too, his death extinguished his life long oath to the Night's Watch.
My prediction: As soon as Snow leaves Castle Black the Night's Watch will get run over and the white walkers will be south of the wall. This is inevitable, right?
So inevitable I predict it happens in episode nine of this season.
Snow -- and his small resurrected penis -- is now off to command the Wildling Army.
...
Game of Thrones Season Six Episode 1
Game of Thrones Season Six Episode 2
