Bikini Beach Catfight!

Published Apr. 24, 2016 3:33 p.m. ET

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Sometimes even I impress myself. 

For instance, has there ever been a better headline than "Bikini Beach Catfight?" Okay, okay, I mean other than "Alabama fan teabags LSU fan in Bourbon Street Krystals"

I think the answer is no.

This bikini beach catfight, the first catfight to go up on Outkick since the Steeplechase catfight, comes to us courtsey of Mattie Lou Chandler, who is down at the Mullet Toss at the Florabama. If you haven't been to the Florabama before and you live in the South, I seriously question all of your life decisions. It's a beach bar directly on the state line of Alabama and Florida and it is responsible, conservatively, for 19% of all births and 46% of all abortions in the state of Alabama. 

Anyway, we don't know why these girls fought, but one of the chicks is hot and in a bikini.

Here's the breakdown.

Initially it appears that the fat chick has the skinny chick positioned for a rear naked choke hold while the fat chick throws some meat hooks with her right hand, but then out of nowhere the hot chick just uses her hot chick privilege and flips over the fat chick. (By the way, underrated best part of the first video? The guy screaming, "Choke her," in the background. Over/under on his lifetime domestic violence arrests is eight.)

Then there's more catfighting going on and we miss it, but by the time Mattie Lou stops uploading her first Snapchat the fat chick has made a recovery and is back on top for part two.

So basically this entire fight is just a replay of McGregor-Diaz only with girls in bikinis on the beach. Also, is there anything better than Tennessee and Alabama fans brought together posing with one of the chicks from the catfight? It's possible that catfights really could bring us all together. Only way Black Lives Matter protesters and Trump supporters are ever going to pose together for a smiling photo? Post-catfight. 

Pro tip: you kids have got to stop recording everything for Snapchat. If I wanted to limit myself to ten second videos, I'd make a sex tape.

We need to see the entire catfight from start to finish, that shit will go viral. People don't lose interest when it's a long video of a catfight. They lose interest when it's like the State of the Union Address or baseball. When you get the chance to record a catfight, use the long form video function on your phone. Don't worry about ten seconds on Snapchat. We need it all. 

And I swear to god, every time I post a catfight on Outkick, a million of you assholes come to watch and I always think to myself, why don't I start Outkick the Catfight and just put these fights on pay-pay-view and become a billionaire? The Internet has an insatiable hunger for catfights and instead of giving the people what they want I'm out here selling SEC colored pants like a dumbass. (They're only $20, you should buy some.)

Anyway, if you're hot and you have a mortal enemy who is also hot adn and you and your hot girlfriend want to fight in bikinis on video, email me and I'll put it on pay-per-view as OKTC 1. By OKTC 10 I'll have my own jet. 

And just to forestall the PC bros out there on social media, this is not sexist. This is the height of feminism; I'm trying to make girls millionaires for fighting each other. It's pretty much impossible for someone to be a bigger feminist than me. Move over, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, you just got served. 

Barely thirty minutes after this video went up, an Outkick reader sent in the full catfight video.

My three favorite things:

1. The girls beginning the fight by double clasping hands is pure class.

That's how you know they respect the catfight game.

Fun fact, this is how the ancient Greeks insisted that all catfights begin in the first Olympic games. 

2. Top ten moment in Internet history when these dudes are shouting out "Shake and bake," during the catfight.

You just can't make this stuff up.

3. The drunk dude dragging his cooler on the beach at sunset. 

I love this dude. Nothing else matters but getting the cooler home at the end of the day. The beach could have just been hit by a meteor and the apocalypse could be upon us and he'd still be saying, "You just want to leave the cooler right here on the beach? Fuck that, bro."

His buddies are like, "There's a catfight going on! Look!" And cooler guy's like, "I don't care! Do you know how heavy this cooler is right now?! I can't even, and I just lost my croakies somewhere!"

And how about the end of this fight, we've got another woman diving in to get involved in the fight as well. And I'm pretty sure she loses her top. God bless Alabama and god bless America too.  

(By the way, inevitably some of you are also going to ask, why is Lane Kiffin in sunglasses and headphones the cover picture here? And if I have to answer this question, you need to be reading another website.)

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