Badgers off-beat preview: LSU has a good-living tiger and beautiful women

Published Nov. 15, 2016 3:09 p.m. ET

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If you are looking for hard-hitting analysis, yeah, this ain't it. But if you want a fun, entertaining read, you've found the right place. For more of Brandon Rifkin, please head to his blog or follow him on Twitter.

 NAILED IT  

Now THAT is how you start the season with a bang. Completely whiffed on the QB race. Looking real smart over here.

But whatever. Neither of them are world-beaters, and Chryst is as much of a QB guru as we're ever going to have. I just liked the thought of a lefty with a sweet name. Will have to settle for a righty with an almost as cool name.

We all know what's gonna happen, right? Houston comes out and picks apart Aranda's D and I start tweeting about how I've been #AllInOnHouston since day one. JUST AS I FORETOLD.

Three days until kickoff. Three days of continued nonsense like this until football actually happens and we can shed that false facade of not caring because the schedule is super duper stacked. Just beam me up to Lambeau now and let's see what happens when LSU and UW fans get together for the greatest tailgate the north has ever seen.

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A DEEP DIVE INTO ALL THINGS LSU

MIKE THE TIGER LIVES BETTER THAN 99% OF LOUISIANA

From Wiki:

LSU Athletics is represented by its mascot, a live Bengal tiger named Mike the Tiger. LSU is only one of two institutions of higher education in the United States to have a live tiger as their mascot; the other is the University of Memphis. The tiger was named after Mike Chambers, LSU's athletic trainer in 1936, and was bought for $750 from the Little Rock Arkansas Zoo.

Important things first: $750 in 1936 is a little under $13,000 today. That still seems pretty cheap for a real tiger. Tigers should cost around a million dollars in my mind. If you're gonna buy some rare, verge-of-extinction jungle cat, you should need boatloads of money. Wisconsin should be able to get a clan of real live badgers for like $800 according to this logic. Maybe LSU just FLEECED the Little Rock Arkansas Zoo. For some reason, I do not have much faith in whoever was in charge of sales at the Little Rock Arkansas Zoo in 1936. I'm pretty sure humans were wrastling bears for entertainment in those days. Could probably buy a bear from the LRAZ for $50 and tickets to a silent picture.

Also, a quick google search reveals that there are not many animal sales positions in zoos these days. FOR SHAME

All you'd have to do is throw some netting around that thing and it would be tiger-proof. I'm guessing the Italianate tower costs $1.75 million itself. Mike's getting shafted and he doesn't even know it.

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• Lolo Jones, 2008 and 2012 Olympic hurdler, track and field. This girl's a sham. Somewhere out there is a woman who dedicated her life to bobsledding, and then Lolo comes over and boots her out of the Olympics. That's garbage. If I were that girl that got bumped for Lolo, I'd pay some goons to throw a bobsled through Lolo's living room window.

• Christina Cuenca, Miss Louisiana USA 2006. Shocker.

• Jennifer Dupont, Triple Crown winner, Miss Louisiana Teen USA 1998, Miss Louisiana USA 2000, Miss Louisiana (America) 2004. Absolutely no clue what the difference is between Miss Louisiana USA 2000 and Miss Louisiana (America) 2004 other than the 4 years. I am going to assume this is not the first thing people think of when they hear "Triple Crown."

• Amanda Joseph, Miss Louisiana (America) 2007. Starting to notice a trend.

• Elizabeth McNulty, Miss Louisiana USA 2007. These are literally their most famous non-athlete alumni. WAIT. Amanda Joseph won Miss Louisiana (America) in 2007 and Lizzie McNulty won Miss Louisiana USA in 2007? Someone please help.

• Ali Landry, Miss USA 1996. So LSU is just a training program for Miss Louisiana winners, got it.

For the record, I've been doing this "notable alumni" stuff for non-B1G opponents for a couple years now. The only school I can remember with a worse batch of notable alums is Tennessee Tech. The most powerful business owning alum from LSU is the woman who started Ruth's Chris, and I still to this day do not understand that name.

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BIG TEN FEAR RANKINGS

1) Ohio State, 0-0 (0-0). Still the top titty until proven otherwise. SOMEONE PLEASE PROVE OTHERWISE

2) Michigan State, 0-0 (0-0). I'm sure they'll have no problem finding a way to win 11 games this year.

3) Michigan, 0-0 (0-0). Last year: "Yeah I'm sure this Harbaugh situation will not get increasingly annoying as they start winning. Nope, not one bit."

...and now they're top 10 preseason and some people are predicting they'll go undefeated. I like to imagine a world where they choke away a game as horribly as that MSU punt debacle last year. That's my kinda world!

PS - A bunch of us were at a bar after a rehearsal dinner last month and they happened to have that Michigan/MSU game on TV and I was NOT kind to the Michigan kid in attendance. Not sure how many times I asked him if they REALLY ended up losing this game and how that was possible, but let's just say I was not being very nice. DON'T CAREEEE

4) Iowa, 0-0 (0-0). Another year, and still no sign of Vodka Samm. Might have to hire a PI to track her down and see how she's doing.

5) Wisconsin, 0-0 (0-0). I honestly don't feel crazy saying we're the fifth best team in the conference. The problem is just that we play the top 4 in four consecutive weeks, and three of them are on the road. The schedule gods giveth, and the schedule gods taketh away. For the schedule is dark and full of terrors.

6) Minnesota, 0-0 (0-0). If you were born the day after Minnesota's last victory over UW, you'd be 13 years old by the time this year's game rolls around. Imagine being a Minnesota-bred fan that hit puberty before seeing them beat Wisconsin. Wait did this just get weird, should I just recycle my fact that YouTube didn't exist the last time we lost to Minnesota? OK that feels a little healthier.

7) Nebraska, 0-0 (0-0). We've reached the "these teams are all so mediocre I don't think it really matters what order they're in" portion of the rankings. What a fun group!

8) Penn State, 0-0 (0-0). Paterno truthers are beyond comprehension. Is there any type of truther that isn't completely insane? Do truthers ever end up actually being right, or is that why they're mockingly called truthers in the first place?

9) Northwestern, 0-0 (0-0). I know I'm getting smarter as I get older because this year was the first time I saw we were playing in Evanston and I didn't even have the TINIEST shred of desire to go to that game. We will lose in a cold, rainy game where Northwestern scores on an end of half 15 lateral trick play. No thanks. I'll stay warm and dry and drunk and content.

10) Maryland, 0-0 (0-0). I have absolutely nothing to say about Maryland football so here's a cute dog in a beer koozie:

11) Indiana, 0-0 (0-0). Some people who understand football better than I do claim they're on the way up. I'm of the 'believe it when I see it' school with regards to IU football. Yeah, they hung with Michigan, OSU, and Iowa last year... but they blew a 25 point lead late in the third quarter against Rutgers. People don't forget and people CAN'T forget that.

12) Purdue, 0-0 (0-0). LOL purdue forever and ever

13) Illinois, 0-0 (0-0). Do they even have a football team this year? Are they on probation? Juice Williams ain't walking through that door anytime soon.

14) Rutgers, 0-0 (0-0). Worst major conference addition in all of the realignment nonsense. Bring SOMETHING to the table. ANYTHING.

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MATCHUP TO WATCH

Dave Aranda vs. Paul Chryst. Well I mean this is kinda fun, isn't it? Former colleagues squaring off: one a defensive master, the other an offensive wizard. GOOD VS. EVIL. Who will recognize the other's moves more quickly? While I'm sure they'll each have some new wrinkles, you can damn well know a lot of what Aranda and Chryst did last year will still be in the fold. The mind games will be in full effect. We're in for a treat.

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THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKU

Low expectations

But there's nothing wrong with that

Let's shock the world

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VIDEO OF THE WEEK

This isn't the first time we've been awed by hermit crabs, and god-willing it won't be the last. Endlessly fascinating creatures that are adorable and weird and almost gross but totally silly at the same time. Try and find something else like them.

PS - It brings me a never-ending bucket of joy to report that Harry the Hermit Crab is not only still alive, but he's THRIVING:

Lookit his little LEGO TENNIS RACKET! He's fully accepted his LEGO upbringing!

PPS - Actually I can't find a single thing about Harry so we can safely assume he's completely dead in a LEGO casket somewhere.

PPPS - Wait, hermit crabs live 10 years? Can't let a mystery remain. I've reached out to a former aquarist at the Legoland in the UK where Harry lived and their customer support to find out how he's doing. Hopefully I hear back shortly.

PPPPS - UPDATE:

OH YEAHHHHHHH

Not even a hermit crab but just feel like dancing

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#FOODPORN

A Dutch take on American chicken and waffles from Staring at Jacob in Amsterdam. I'm currently starving and everything about that plate looks amazing all over again. Amsterdam was cool.

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PREDICTION CITY

If you haven't noticed yet, I'm feeling extremely grounded in my excitement about this season. Well, it's not the excitement that I'm dampening. It's really my unrelenting quench for VICTORY that I'm finding ways to suppress. And that's why I know we're going to lose, but I'm sure something will happen to give me that glimmer of hope again... all before tearing it down and watching LSU still cover that 10 point spread. THE PICK:

WISCONSIN 13, LSU 27

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