This is my favorite episode because you finally get some insight into why these jabronis are the way they are, and there's usually some great drama. At least one family member thinks the concept of this show is absurd and wants everyone to know. I thank them for this. Sadly, the only drama or hard questioning came from Nick's 10 year old sister. Everyone kept talking about how nerve-wracking it is to meet your boyfriend's family. Let's get something straight.
Like, literally, stooooop ittttt, y'all, all of their hometowns are beautiful and amazing...so weird, right? This week started in Milwaukee so I knew it was going to be a snooze fest. I spent this hometown date wondering why the producers at ABC haven't fixed Andi's DIY ombre hair she's still got going on from Juan Pablo's season. Oh well, let's recap...
Nick's Hometown of Milwaukee: Let's just go ahead and confirm that the state of Wisconsin as a whole brings nothing to the table except cheese. Now while I think cheese should be considered a food group, it is not. They filmed this at the end of April and they are wearing enough layers that spring in Milwaukee must feel like the dead of winter in the south. How miserable. Nick's family is essentially the Duggars of the north, except I prefer the Duggars and their no kissing before the wedding day to this cast of characters. There are so many of them that nobody had time to say anything exciting because by the time the name game was over so was the evening.
Nick decides to do something completely different than they've been doing all season- walk around the town and explore the city. This guy is the worst. He takes her to a brewery, because I love feeling nice and bloated when I meet a "boyfriend's" family. But they have to wear so many layers up there nobody can tell. It's fitting that at the brewery there's a polka band since I'm not sure there is a genre of music that's more annoying, just like Nick. They move on from this to go back to the Duggar Family compound where Nick's mother has spent quite a bit of time on Pinterest decor this winter. Nick tells us that there's one brother who isn't there and how unfortunate it that is. Yeah, pretty sure bro-ha who is missing is the real winner here.
After seeing Nick's mothers outfit, a mix of dressy business casual and formal evening wear jewelry, I come to the conclusion that the push presents they give in Milwaukee are strands of pearls, because homegirl is choking in them. Or she's getting ready for her Glamour Shots circa 1993. This family also loves scarves. After the name game, Andi gets to be interrogated by Nick's 10 year old sister. She tries to explain the different types of connections you can have with someone and thankfully this little Trina forgets everything Andi said when her brother asks her about it, otherwise she would be scarred for life. Nick's pissed his sister wasn't able to get any inside information. This guy, or should I say the "frontrunner," is beyond delusional. Clearly, since he thinks someone would willingly move to Milwaukee.
Chris's Hometown Date in Iowa: Chris looks like the entire Orvis Men's spring line threw up on him, and I love it. He can rock layers like nobody's business. I was shocked to see that Iowa is actually very pretty, or his family's 200 plus year old farm is. This was the date I was most excited about. First, he takes her to his own house where twitter freaks out that he has his own home. Really? Why is it so shocking that a 32 year old male owns his own home and the inside does not look like a fraternity house? If I'm dating someone who is 32 they better have their own house/condo that does not have milk crate end tables. Aim higher ladies, much much higher. Seriously, I do not understand why this was so mind blowing, do you people not realize the cost of living in Iowa is much different than in the city? Use your brains.
Andi can't get over how big the wheel on the tractor is. No really, that's what she says. She marvels that he's "driving that tractor, plowing those fields." What did she honestly think that they do on a farm? They have a picnic in the field and Andi bitches about what she would do for work here. Chris tells her she can do anything, but there's also an opportunity to be a homemaker. BRING PURE BARRE TO THE FIELDS! I'll do it. Andi seems taken aback by the idea of being a homemaker and wonders if she would get bored. This is so humorous to me since where we grew up is homemaker central and all they do is blog. Start a freaking blog, Andi. Also, judging by Chris's family's wardrobe they leave the farm, frequently.
While Andi is bitching in the field, Chris pulls off what can only be described as the Bachelorette equivalent of a Yasiel Puig bat flip after a walk off grand-slam in the playoffs: a crop duster plane flies over with a message that says "Chris Loves Andi." That sound you heard is every tween, teenager, and woman swooning. Give Chris ALLLLL OF THE BONUS POINTS. Andi then tells him that yes she lives in the city now, but she grew up in the suburbs and her family has a lake house in Alabama which is in the middle of nowhere so she's like "totes outdoorsy."
This will probably be the only time I have ever tried to rationalize moving to Iowa. If you are worried that next season my Bachelor recaps are going to be Chris love fests, they won't. He'll find a way to piss me off somehow by keeping around a crazy eyes, drama queen, clearly not "here for the right reasons."
Next is dinner with his family, who are absolutely adorable and I just want to go hang out with them. They have wine on the farm! His mom is seriously just THE BEST.
Josh's Hometown Date in Tampa: Let the "literally," "Aaron," "football," and "NFL draft" word count begin. Todd Fuhrman put the Over/Under at 21.5. Although I didn't keep an official count, it was over. There were also a lot of tears on this date, happy tears, and I felt like that was a tad over the top. I have a hard time saying anything bad about this family since I know half of them. They really are great people. For some reason when Andi arrives in Tampa, she is dropped off on the side of the road to meet Josh. Josh takes Andi to...wait for it...A BASEBALL FIELD, because did you know he played baseball??
When they arrive back at his parents' house, Josh cries upon seeing everyone, even though he's been home for a few days. Then the topic switches to Aaron Murray and NFL draft prep, and the Gruden Camp, and it's exhausting. Josh has been playing babysitter for his brother and little sister in Athens the past couple of years, and it's beyond clear it's time for the cord to be cut. It's admirable how much Josh has put into his younger siblings, but at the same time the saying "you do you homie" applies here. The dinner discussion is literally ALL ABOUT AARON, and Andi doesn't appreciate this. I mean it's not any different than it normally is so get used to it. Mama Murray doesn't think Josh is going to be able to cut the cord from Aaron and football. Duh. After dinner they play a family game of football in the backyard. Naturally. They are a precious family and it's clear that Josh is the actual frontrunner. Dawgs on top baby!
During this episode I realized why Andi is so into Josh. As I've mentioned before, Andi was home-schooled to play tennis. If these two clowns end up getting married, Andi will become Andi Murray and her days of wanting to be a tennis champ will all come true!
Marcus's Hometown Date in Dallas: After Marcus's attempt to describe his family issues, I was interested to see how this played out. I was also concerned they were going to visit my favorite place to shop here, Highland Park Village, and find a way to ruin it. They did OF COURSE. Marcus attempts to "channel their first date" by putting his sailor outfit back on and doing a striptease for her. I'm sorry, what?? Wholesome family fun here in Dallas, you guys. It was so awkward, Andi loved it and everyone on Twitter is all "he's so hot." No, a guy who willingly performs a second striptease on national TV and says "I love you" after three weeks on reality television is not attractive.
Marcus's family is sweet, but they aren't over the top warm and fuzzy. If any family has the most hesitation, it's them. His brother on the other hand is so hot. His niece made them rainbow loom bracelets and I start having nightmares of babysitting and trying to figure out how to work that damn thing. What happened to an Easy Bake Oven? Thanks a lot, Pinterest. Marcus's sister asks Andi if it ever frustrates her how open he is with his feelings and how fast he's moved with them. Andi says yes and she worries that she won't be able to catch up. His mother tells Andi that he is a caretaker. I'm going to assume she was unaware of the striptease he just performed. Overall, the date went fine but clearly homeboy is headed home.
Meanwhile on Twitter: Todd Fuhrman tweets that his normally sane and insightful twitter feed is being flooded by #TheBachelorette play-by-play and I now challenge you all to mention him in next week's tweets. Careful what you wish for, pal. Deep down everyone at OKTC loves this show, probably. [Editor's note: I hate this show. Does it ever end?]
Back in LaLaLand: Chris Harrison has called everyone back to the house where the boys think it's appropriate to show up in pajamas. For some unknown reason, ABC filmed a reaction shot of everyone being told that the greatest contestant in Bachelor history, Eric Hill, passed away in a tragic hang gliding accident. It's so uncomfortable to watch and completely unnecessary.
Rose Ceremony: I was worried Chris would be sent home this week. If she was "here for the right reasons" there's no reason why she wouldn't pick him, so that's why I thought she would send him packing. Much to my surprise, she didn't. Marcus, the male stripper, was sent home. He doesn't understand, but don't worry, he'll be on Bachelor in Paradise in a few weeks. Hearts heal quickly, you guys.
Next Week: Fantasy Suites! Where Andi gets to decide how many of the guys she wants us to think she shacked with! This is easily the biggest reason I could never go on this show. I would NEVER EVER EVER be comfortable with my family watching the fantasy suites. I'll be recapping from LA where I'll be for ESPYs week, so the snark may be in full force since I'll have Josh Parcell's live commentary. Get excited.
