Well here we are again--another chance for us to set some major ground rules for the new year. If you need a refresher, my 2012 list was a doozie, and my 2013 list highlighted some major strife, but we all somehow managed to get through it together. Some things we've succeeded in putting a stop to (Honey Boo Boo is off the air now, right? RIGHT?) and some things we've failed miserably at (FLORIDA). So I give you the 3rd Annual Things Not Allowed Into The New Year (and a few things we must do everything in our power to keep).
Facebook Look Backs
I am alienating people by the second with this very timely complaint, as about 1 out of every 3 of y'all have already made a Look Back or are doing it as we speak. But I can't scroll through my newsfeed without being accosted by everyone yelling at me to look at how great their past year has been and frankly I'm getting a little overwhelmed. This is awkward, but someone has to say it: not quite sure how to put this, but no one is particularly interested in a play-by-play of your life, because you are not Beyonce (and no, you did not wake up like that, so quit saying that, too). If you are Beyonce, you have every right to shove intimate details of your 2014 down all of our throats, because the world needs to know these vital things. But if you are a commoner, the only person who should be subjected to these is your mother. Your poor, sweet mom is the only one who can afford to waste precious moments of her day watching a montage of everything you did this past year, but even Mom is feigning interest because she feels like it might help make up for when she ignored you as a child. Facebook Look Backs are yet another easy and effective way to feed our collective insatiable thirsts for vanity and narcism via social media, because remember: On Facebook, we're all STARS!
Pitbull
A very serious question of mine that no one around me ever takes seriously when I scream it at the television is "HOW IS PITBULL STILL RELEVANT???" Seriously y'all, I know it might sound like a rhetorical question, but it's not, and I'm dead serious: How is this person still remotely relevant, and why is he continually tapped for award show hosting gigs? Does anyone willingly choose to listen to Pitbull's music anymore? Does anyone else find it difficult to watch his pelvic thrusting on stage? Actually, who is this man's manager, because I want to personally give him or her a sturdy handshake and possibly a warm embrace for being so resourceful and ingenious and tricking the world into thinking we should still care about Pitbull. He is absolutely terrible in absolutely every way, yet he is still everywhere, especially in 2014. This past year, he was the host of the 2014 American Music Awards, and my husband and I were watching in literal awe as he was gyrating and writhing around on the stage in his stupid sunglasses singing his new song "Fireball" which consisted of some of the below actual lyrics:
We gon' boogie oogie oggi, jiggle, wiggle and dance
Like the roof on fire
Now baby give a booty naked
Now big bang boogie
Get that kitty little boogie
If you think I'm burning out, I never am
I'm on fire
I'm on fire
I'm on fire
I'm on fire
I'm on fire (repeated a billion times until your head explodes and you start hoping he really IS on fire and burning a slow, fiery death)
After the song, my husband looked at me and only said, "How much do we want to bet Pitbull is from Florida?" (Spoiler alert: A Google search showed Pitbull was born and raised in Miami. Cue the tongue biting!)
While scouring the Internet trying to sort through the most ridiculous Pitbull photos (a time consuming endeavor not for the faint of heart), I found this gem and thought it was too good to be true while simultaneously thinking this was the most fitting thing I've ever seen.
Comcast
There are very few things that literally everyone in the universe can agree to hate together, and Comcast is one of them, right under Anne Hathaway. Seriously, do you know ONE person who likes Comcast? Or not even likes it, but has at least ONE positive thing to say about its service and employees? Therefore, why hasn't the whole world united against Comcast and driven them out of our lives forever? The ONLY reason why I'd consider letting Comcast into 2015 for another year of debauchery is for the possibility of more incredible tapes like this.
Nice dads on wholesome family shows being totally creepy in real life
What in the eff of all effs is happening here? Reverend Camden, you practically raised me during my childhood and taught me important things like how sneaking out of my room to go to my Jr. High dance is wrong and will make my dad very very sad. But somewhere in between all of the morality lessons you taught us on your incredibly popular family drama television series 7th Heaven, you forgot to teach yourself to not be a pervert. Whoopsies! WHY do all the biggest creeps have to originate from the most benign family-friendly shows? (We're all lookin' at you, Cosby.) I was legitimately upset over the interview Stephen Collins did with Katie Couric this year where he maintained he wasn't a child molester because he'd only had inappropriate contact with a minor ONCE. Ohhhh, nevermind! Doing something once doesn't even really count anyways, everyone knows that! Our bad, Stevie! Play on, playa!
Eeeeeasy, Reverend. THAT'S YOUR DAUGHTER. Smh.
HASHTAG BLESSED
This title is in ALL CAPS, as if being yelled, because I cannot write about this without YELLING ABOUT IT. I am not knocking hashtags in general; that would be hypocritical since I do enjoy a good hashtag myself every now and then, and it would be tired and trite because making fun of hashtags is old news (and has already been turned into a Jimmy Fallon parody skit). But I WILL knock one particular hashtag: #blessed. "Hashtag blessed" should be renamed #Bragging or #Overcompensating or #LookAtHowWonderfulMyLifeIsGuys,IsEveryoneSeeingHowGreatItIsToBeMe?IsEveryoneJealousYet?LetMeKnowByLeavingMeAnAffirmingCommentBelow. I don't know one person who reads a hashtag blessed and DOESN'T roll their eyes. In 2015, please be a real blessing to all of us by retiring this stale, worn out trend.
Fitspo accounts
Fitspo accounts, short for "Fitspiration," which is a play on words combining "Fit" and "Inspiration," are evil social media accounts meant to make us all hate ourselves under the guise that they will make us all better people, and they were bigger than ever this year. Technically, Fitspo is an online community of bloggers and accounts that encourage weight loss, diet and exercise through the sharing of success stories, active lifestyle and diet tips, photos and rules ... aka skinny bitches post photos of themselves looking like skinny bitches, and then you're supposed to get up off the couch and go run 15 miles and do a zillion squats in order to look like said skinny bitch in the photo (which you never will). SOUNDS GREAT, RIGHT?
Besides a bunch of photos of them looking like literal greek gods, these people also post every single thing they eat. You read the first post and you're all like "Oh, good, that sounds like a normal little snack that I could possibly eat" and then you realize that "snack" was actually their ENTIRE MEAL and then you cry big, hot tears into your glass of chocolate milk that you're dipping your waffle sticks in (don't knock it til you try it). Do yourself a favor and steer clear of these trendy social media accounts, especially around the holidays when gravy has been considered it's own food group in your household and eggnog has flowed like thick, creamy water.
The state of Florida (for the 3rd year in a row)
Like freaking clockwork, Florida is bursting at the seams with a whole new list of absurdities (besides harboring Pitbull for years). If you haven't already, take a minute to click the links above for my 2013 and 2014 lists, and scroll down to Florida. When you're done perusing that, pull yourself together, maybe go take a hot shower or something, then prepare yourself to read this list.
The absolute best part of this list, if I had to pick one thing, is that ALL of these things happened over the course of 7 DAYS. That is truly amazing and terrifying all at the same time.
And just to mix things up a bit, two things we absolutely need MORE of in 2015...
Bruce Jenner's amazing metamorphosis into a woman
The patriarch of the Jenner/Kardashian clan has cut ties with his wife and also cut ties with his penis, apparently. Bruce is slowly but VERY surely morphing into a female right before our very eyes, and unfortunately not an attractive one. The transformation is quite mesmerizing though, sort of like watching a caterpillar morph into a beautiful butterfly, except not really like that at all and now we all need professional counseling to erase this image from our minds:
But as disturbing as this bizarre mutation is, I do NOT want it to stop in 2015. I've been following this miraculous journey of Jenner's for the past few months and I'm too emotionally invested now. We should all be there for Brucey Bruce during his transition into womanhood: boobs, menstrual cycles, fluctuating hormones--it's s a big and scary milestone, you guys!--and Bruce needs our support as he navigates his way through these unknown estrogen-pumped waters. My only suggestion for the new year is that someone take him to Victoria's Secret and buy him a pretty lace brassiere to harness that ever-growing rack (which may or may not be bigger than mine and I may or may not be jealous).
D-list stars beating up their A-list in-laws and catching it on tape
Man, we've all been dealing with annoying in-laws TOTALLY WRONG--this girl has the right idea. Solange Knowles is like the red-headed step child the Knowles family keeps in the basement, but thank God they let her out long enough to beat the crap out of Jay-Z over the summer. Solange, who once said in an interview "I felt like when I took my weave out, I wasn't pretty, I wasn't noticeable," used to turn to crazy wigs in order to get her noticed. But the savvy Solange quickly realized synthetic hair is mere child's play when you have one of the most financially successful hip-hop artists and entrepreneurs in America at your fingertips, all vulnerable-like just chillin' in an elevator thinking he'd just casually catch a ride up to the 8th floor without getting kicked in the stomach by a spiked Jimmy Choo heel. Silly Hova! With a net worth of over $520 million (via Forbes Magazine), Jay IS getting a little too big for his britches these days if you ask me. So we should all be thanking Solange and her crazy weaves for bringing Mr. Carter back down to earth before he becomes too obnoxious and makes our list next year! In case you forgot what it looks like for a hardcore gangsta rapper to get wacked over the head with a Prada clutch, here you go.
Well there you have it, guys. I'm feeling optimistic right now, but if I find Pitbull hosting a New Year's Eve countdown of any sort this Wednesday night, I'm throwing in the towel for good (I apologize for the gratuitous shot below, but I needed to drive my point home). Here's hoping for a better 2015!
