(Editor's note: This piece was originally published in April 2016.)
Augusta National is without question one of the most gorgeous and well-kept golf courses on earth, known worldwide for the sea of impeccably-manicured foliage dotting its grounds.
With that kind of reputation for horticultural beauty, it's no wonder the home of the Masters — which, in its past life, was a nursery — names each of its 18 holes after one of the trees or shrubs found on site. But ultimately, not all bushes are created equal, and the question must be asked: Which is the No. 1 plant?
With a name like Gardner, it's only natural that I've emerged as FOX's resident botany buff and the authority on the issue, so below I've offered up the definitive ranking of the 18 trees, shrubs, weeds and vines that made the cut for hole-naming. Just remember, my surname makes me a gardener in the same way that Tiger Woods' makes him a forester, so my expertise is only relative.
Still, obviously this is the definitive list, but on the off chance you disagree, please do tell us in the comments what you'd do differently.
1. Holly (18th hole) — Not only is holly a classic holiday decoration, it's the state tree of Delaware, which prides itself on being the first in the union. Inherently American and reminiscent of Christmas? Sign me up.
2. Magnolia (5th hole) — The quintessential southern tree. Native to the area, stately, good for shade. Can't come up with a good reason not to like it.
3. Juniper (6th hole) — I'm no botanist, but I do love a good Tanqueray and tonic, so this one's a front runner for Top Plant.
4. White Dogwood (11th hole) — Used to just be "Dogwood" until Pink Dogwood came along and crowded the market. Still the original in the hearts and minds of many. If a bouquet of its flowers are good enough for Old Crow Medicine Show, it's good enough for me.
5. Camellia (10th hole) — Belongs to a genus that is also responsible for green tea. Though not a tea drinker myself, I can't argue with its importance to the society at large. Also has a bowl game named after it, and any tie to college football is a good one.
6. Nandina (17th hole) — The National Institute on Drug Abuse says that a derivative of the nandina berries "may be able to block and reverse hyperthermia and other effects of MDMA." This seems like a good thing, unless you like overdosing on ecstasy.
7. Redbud (16th hole) — Southern Living calls redbuds "adaptable and dependable." That's quite the reference letter. I'd hire this tree on the spot if it applied for a job in my front yard. A real sleeper in this race.
8. Flowering Peach (3rd hole) — Get back to me this summer when your fruit grows in. We'll talk then, over a nice cobbler.
9. Carolina Cherry (9th hole) — Apparently if you crush the leaves of this plant it gives off the fragrance of maraschino cherries. Just don't try to eat them. They don't taste very good and might kill you.
10. Firethorn (15th hole) — Berries are mildly poisonous but are apparently totally fit for consumption when crushed and made into jelly. Consider me baffled. Also, sounds like a metal band.
11. Pink Dogwood (2nd hole) — There's only room for one dogwood on this course, and this ain't it. Should have called it Dagwood instead.
12. Golden Bell (12th hole) — Grows way too fast, to the point that it can become "unkempt and straggly, unless judiciously pruned." Way too high maintenance for my liking.
13. Tea Olive (1st hole) — Hole was once known as Cherokee Rose, after the Georgia state flower. Now named after a tree from east Asia, which is good for proponents of outsourcing. Its flowers can be used in certain cakes, and cake is good, but not good enough to outweigh the crime of turning your back on your state.
14. Flowering Crab Apple (4th hole) — Like the Flowering Peach, except it grows one-inch apples that are way too tart and, unlike it's big brother, the apple can't be fermented into booze.
15. Chinese Fir (14th hole) — Not even a real fir. Get this imposter out of here.
16. Pampas (7th hole) — Pampas is regarded as an "invasive weed" in some areas and is banned in New Zealand and South Africa for that reason. You also literally have to kill it with fire to make it go away, so really, it just sounds annoying.
17. Yellow Jasmine (8th hole) — Its nectar kills bees, and honey is my favorite condiment, so on principle, I can't support the existence of this plant.
18. Azalea (13th hole) — Toxic if consumed, to the point where it can and will kill you. In a historical sense, azaleas presented in a black vase are regarded as a veiled death threat. Also synonymous with silly rap beefs. Pass.
You can follow Sam Gardner on Twitter or email him at samgardnerfox@gmail.com.
