ARLINGTON, Texas — If someone asks you, dares you or begs you to try the new 2-foot long, $26 behemoth of a hot dog at Rangers Ballpark, take my advice and say no.
If that doesn't work, beg. Or fake an injury.
Whatever you do, don't try the concoction that's being sold at the new Captain Morgan Club and one concession stand.
The problem is the dog's mighty tasty, which makes you want to go back for more.
It's also just about impossible to eat.
Trust me on that one. Before the Rangers' opener against the Chicago White Sox on Friday, rumors already were swirling about the frankfurter from hell. It took someone 16 minutes to eat the monstrosity, which packs 4,000 calories.
Rumors being what they are and free food being what it is, the fine people from FOX Sports Southwest offered to let me give it a whirl before first pitch.
Bad idea. The dog is good. It's also intimidating. It's huge.
Topped with melted cheese, onions, chili and jalapenos, the dog also includes a side of fries just in case you've still got a hankering for more food.
Then it's time to dig in.
The first bite was good. The second one wasn't so bad, either. The problem isn't the 1 pound of beef, it's the 1 pound of bread that surrounds it.
The bread has the density of a pretzel, which isn't good when you're trying to eat a side of beef along with it. Another problem with the bread is that the longer it sits, it seems to expand.
Bread kills all your game-planning ideas. Mine included a 6 a.m. trip to the gym with lots of cardio and a light breakfast to try and get the ol' stomach juices flowing. The bread is kryptonite for all that planning.
My attempt lasted about 14 minutes and ended with about half of the beast still remaining. And, though I was done eating, I wasn't done paying the price. Two hours later, the fact that I ate about 1 pound of food started to sink into my head and, more important, my gut.
That's not a good feeling to have.
I would have been better off saying no. Or begging.
