Roger Federer told the most hilarious dad joke about Kobe Bryant
1. Roger Federer to wife: Dearest Mirka (wife emoji), I, Roger Federer (tennis ball emoji) am going to that store where all the groceries are sold (food emoji). I trust there will be fans of me, Roger Federer (another tennis ball), there, so expect me to (pen and paper emoji) and maybe be (10 emoji) minutes (hourglass emoji). Is there anything Charlene Riva and Myla Rose (twin girls emoji) or Lenny and Leo (twin boys emoji) would like me to get them? A multi-grain bar, perhaps? Or some whole wheat cereal? (Dearest Mirka: They do not have an emoji for two parents with two sets of identical twins nor for healthy, but fun, eating, but I ask you to place your trust in me, Mirka, that this will one day change. (Crystal ball emoji) If I can get a popcorn emoji made (popcorn emoji), then I can do anything, except beat Novak at Wimbledon (grass emoji). Oh, I have a joke. Why did the pizza delivery (chicken emoji) cross the (road emoji) ? To get some mel-(flying money emoji)-nium! Get it? mel-DOUGH-nium? Isn't that humorous. (Guy cracking up emoji.)
2. Friend, to Floyd Mayweather: "Yo."
Floyd Mayweather: "Hey, hey, hey, hey: What in possible hell has given you the impression that I have the extra cash for a texting plan? These are costing 50 cents per, bruh. #pocketstight"
3. Kobe Bryant to wife: "I'll be home Thursday. Please have a ceremonious welcome waiting, I've gotten used to them - maybe get me a rocking chair, or an engraved piece of flooring or have the help wearing my number on their Kobe-approved outfits, something like that. Then prepare for 50 years of me doing nothing but hogging the remote, sending out brand-approved tweets and getting into passive-aggressive arguments with family members who don't pass the food at dinner quickly enough. Also, please have things ready for my arrival #SunnyDInTheFridge"
4. Steph Curry to Michael Jordan: "72!!!!! Watch out, MJ! We're coming for you! :)
Michael Jordan to Steph Curry: "Choose your next words very carefully, Steven."
Harrison Barnes, using Steph Curry's phone, to Michael Jordan:
5. Lionel Messi to friend: "Dios mio, es tan agradable para escribir simplemente en espanol en lugar de tener que copiar a mi mismo en Inglacos por lo que los estupidos americanos pueden leer mis tweets, que no son realmente cualquier cosa de todos modos!"
6. (713) 555-0362 to J.J. Watt: "What are you up to today?"
— Timothy Burke (@bubbaprog) April 5, 2016
JJ Watt to (713) 555-0362: "Nothing, just going to a nursing home, hosting not one, not two, but 17 Make-a-Wish kids, hitting up 142 different hospital wards, performing open-heart surgery on three people, two dogs and the dolphin from Dolphin Tale, taking out some as-of-yet-to-be determined starlet to a very public place then acting like we didn't want all the attention and then driving around neighborhoods looking for small kitchen fires I can put out while heroically bringing everybody inside to safety."
(713) 555-0362 to J.J. Watt: "Dude, it's me. [Fill in the name of one of J.J. Watt's friends.] I changed numbers."
J.J. Watt to friend: "Oh, nothing, just sitting around watching Shark Tank.
7. Reporter to Bill Belichick: "Any comment on today's loss?
Bill Belichick to reporter: "Off the record? Ours was a thrilling back and forth battle with more ups and downs than a Shakespearean drama. Though I thought our offense sometimes played too tentative and our receivers weren't getting the space they needed for Tom to get the ball into them with the right timing, these were but minor concerns. Our offensive line played in a type of harmony surpassed only by the Pet Sounds recording of God Only Knows, which is about Tom, even though Tom wasn't born yet. Brian Wilson was writing merely about the idea of Tom, if you will. Our defense played with so much heart that I almost wept - openly wept - on the sideline because of the effort put forth. Did we lose? Yes. But did we leave winners? I think you know the answer. Results are great, but I'm in the business of building men, both young and old, and given how much they grew on Sunday, I feel as close to retiring as ever. My work here is done. But I think this after every game. Retirement. The next step. What does it all mean? Then I'll get out on the golf course (wearing a polo shirt tucked into slacks - I really enjoy dressing up, the football sideline attire is more performance art) and probably change my mind, but the tug of leaving is always there. I might be done. I might not be done. I might be done. I go back and forth. But, oh, the paperwork and the logistics if I were to do so. Heck, I wouldn't even know which locker rooms I would need to debug and which cameras I'd need to pull from practice facilities! JK! Or am I?! Okay, as wonderful as it has been talking to you, dear reporter, Rex Ryan and I must catch a plane. Yes, we're secretly best buds and have a time share together in Clearwater.
(Ray Carlin-USA TODAY Sports)
Reporter to Bill Belichick: "Great. Okay, now on the record?"
Bill Belichick to reporter (3 hours, 45 minutes later): "Tough one."
8. LeBron James to Drake: "Thought you said you were going to your grandmother's house this weekend, but then I see on Instagram that you're popping bottles in Miami with Bieber and D-Wade? I thought popping bottles in South Beach was our thing, man?"
LeBron James to Johnny Manziel: "You're hanging with Von Miller now? Cool, cool. I guess I'll just go see Die Fledermaus by myself, 'friend.'"
LeBron James to Bill Hader: "Hey, Bill, remember me, LeBron? The guy you were in that movie with? How about we hit the town tonight and - nevermind. I see you've joined Curry's posse. Not cool. I'm keeping your Stanislavski book."
9. Jordan Spieth to entire address book: "[Expletive.]"
(JIM WATSON/AFP/Getty Images)
