Mail-it-in Friday: We're just burning doing the Newton dance

BY Sid Saraf • November 20, 2015

Isn't it amazing to see what upsets people?

The NFL is supposed to be fun. Really, it is. It's a huge, billion-dollar business and blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, watching football is supposed to be a pleasurable experience. So, I once again had to shake my head when the NFL world was rocked by ...

Wait for it ...

CAM NEWTON'S DANCING!!

Oh, good heavens! Will someone PLEASE think of the children? We can't have a man accomplish one of the hardest feats in professional athletics -- scoring a touchdown in the NFL -- and then be HAPPY about it!! Nononononononononono!!

Come on, give me a friggin' break already. Here's my #HotTake (or as Alex Marvez would say, #HotTaek) for this week: Cam Newton should be allowed to dance as much as he wants. I loved that he did the "dab" on Sunday. If opponents have a problem with it, they can stop him from scoring.

If sensitive fans in the stands have a problem with it, then don't go to the game. Or even watch football in the first place. I don't understand the logic of being fine with watching giant men bash each other's brains out, but have a problem with dancing.

OK, now that I'm off my soapbox and we've established that we're fine with Cam Newton dancing his heart out, here's the topic for this edition of Mail-it-in Friday: What dance should Cam Newton do next?

PUT ON YOUR DANCING SHOES

Stephen,

YES! He needs to do it old-timey style, like so:

It's so appropriate, since it's a dance that originated in the Carolinas. Perfect option.

jdan,

Hard body roll, eh? Full disclosure: I know next to nothing about dancing. I've heard something about that "pop and lock" stuff and I remember there being a big hullaballoo about "twerking," but other than that, I'm clueless.

Sure, I can jiggle my limbs around at a concert and I faked it at my wedding, but I can't do any type of dance that has a title. So, if you're coming at me with any more modern than the "running man," I'm out.

OK, so what's this body roll? According to YouTube, it's this:

I'm with it. Seems right up Cam's alley. Rock on!

The Frick,

Love your Twitter handle. Anyway, I'm not sure which Fandango you're talking about. There's one version that originated in Spain in the early 1700s.

However, there's another version -- which I prefer -- that was popularized by WWE wrestler Fandango in recent years. Observe the Texans cheerleaders performing this:

Yeah, Cam, do this one. Maybe save it for your next trip to Houston.

Polarized,

Huh. I think I've heard of that one. Does it go like this?

Come on, dude. Don't be THAT guy.

Frank,

You and Polarized should go out for beers and discuss how dancing is ruining American society. Maybe you could move to the town from "Footloose."

Speaking of "Footloose," how bad was that remake from a couple years ago starring Julianne Hough? Ewwww.

Diego,

Hell yes, he should. And if he could get through the entire routine, he should receive a huge bonus and automatic admission into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

But hey, that's just me.

Eric,

The cupid shuffle, eh?

(Quickly heads to urbandictionary.com)

Ahhh, yes. Apparently the cupid shuffle is a "dance craze that was started in Lafayette, Louisiana by the artist Cupid. It was first introduced in late 2006. It's a type of 2-step dance but it's a certain way to do it."

Right on.

Also, if you scroll down past the definition on urbandictionary.com, you'll find a list of words related to your definition.

OK, I don't know what the "anal bead shuffle" is, and I don't intend to find out. Also noticed that "batman" was related to the cupid shuffle. Oh, god no. I clicked on the link while squinting in fear. What godforsaken sex act is the "batman"?!

Turns out, the definition of "batman" is "Bruce Wayne." Is it bad that I was kinda disappointed?

Coach,

Nope, never heard of that one. Back to YouTube:

Nice! I like it. Very energetic and I can totally picture Cam's long arms really extending with this.

Deeeeeeeeee,

Not sure what the "heel toe" is, but it sounds like a dance I could do.

Uncle,

There's only version of the robot dance that I find acceptable:

Never gets old.

Maureen,

I'm always amazed with people who can wear their pants that low without them falling off. How does that happen?

Screech Diddy,

Leave it to Screech Diddy to bring up the dirtiest option possible.

James,

Can you blame me? I consider it a miracle that I'm able to string together three sentences that make sense. And I've heard of this "Dougie" that you speak of, but I don't know how to do it.

So ... can you teach me how to Dougie? Teach me, teach me how to Dougie?

Knock it off, Monkey. You know that was funny.

Naissa,

It's too late, Cam Newton has already danced his way into mine.

Alrighty, folks! I'm going to go stretch and practice my dance moves. See you next week!


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