Inside the Mind of the Lady Who Will Win Your Bracket Challenge
March Madness is upon us once again. You've printed out your bracket. You've been watching all season long. You're researching all of the unknown teams, and calculating those upset picks so carefully. You know Indiana's line-up by heart and will spend several days over-analyzing VCU's games against RPI Top 50 teams. When you finally turn in that bracket with all of your picks, you'll know more about the field of 68 than Dickie V himself. But you know what? You're wasting your time. 'Cause you don't have a prayer of winning your office pool. You know it, and I know it.
It's never the knowledgeable basketball fan who takes the March Madness pot. It's always that one lady in your office who knows absolutely nothing about college basketball and fills out her bracket in one two-minute sitting.* It drives you crazy every year. You wonder how she possibly does it. Well, the mystery will be revealed today, as I (with the help of my friends) take you inside the mind of That Lady in Your Office Who Will Win the Pool. Sit back and marvel at the internal monologue of a true basketball savant.
*This is not at all based on any assumption that women are not knowledgeable in filling out their brackets. It's based on a specific imaginary woman.
Editor's note: The woman who will win your bracket challenge might even be a former Tennessee Titans cheerleader who is trying to sleep with a 12 year old boy. This video report is insane. Almost as insane as the outfit the reporter is wearing.
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South Region
Round 1 (or 2 or whatever they're calling it now)
Kansas v. Western Kentucky
- The Thought Process: No way Kentucky can win two years in a row.
- The Pick: Kansas
North Carolina v. Villanova
- The Thought Process: SWEET CAAAR-O-LINE! BAH BAH BAH. GOOD TIMES NEVER SEEMED SO GOOD! ... SO GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!
- The Pick: North Carolina
VCU v. Akron
- The Thought Process: I caught VCU on spring break in Cabo one year, but it cleared right up with some penicillin. It's like...the best STD to get.
- The Pick: VCU
Michigan v. South Dakota State
- The Thought Process: Dakota Fanning hasn't been in anything since Breaking Dawn 2.
- The Pick: Michigan
UCLA v. Minnesota
- The Thought Process: This isn't hockey.
- The Pick: UCLA
Florida v. Northwestern State
- The Thought Process: I wish people would just leave Tim Tebow alone.
- The Pick: Florida
San Diego State v. Oklahoma
- The Thought Process: I'm still not over Frankie from the Real World: San Diego dying. So sad.
- The Pick: Oklahoma
Georgetown v. Florida Gulf Coast University
- The Thought Process: I don't normally root for online schools.
- The Pick: Georgetown
Round 2
Kansas v. North Carolina
- The Thought Process: You're not in Kansas anymore, Kansas. Oh wait, it says here they're playing in Kansas City, Missouri. Close enough.
- The Pick: Kansas
VCU v. Michigan
- The Thought Process: The Fab 5 were my favorite part of the London Olympics.
- The Pick: Michigan
UCLA v. Florida
- The Thought Process: This Bracket Can't Even Handle Me Right Now
- The Pick: Flo-Rida
Oklahoma v. Georgetown
- The Thought Process: That guy on the Geico commercial went to Georgetown! NOT IN MY HOUSE!! HAHAHA!!!
- The Pick: Georgetown
The Sweet Sixteen
Kansas v. Michigan
- The Thought Process: Kid Rock. Eminem. Clint Eastwood. Kid Rock.
- The Pick: Michigan
Florida v. Georgetown
- The Thought Process: Florida always decides who goes to DC. Florida owns DC.
- The Pick: Florida
The Elite Eight
Michigan v. Florida
- The Thought Process: Michigan's baggy shorts > Florida's jean shorts
- The Pick: Michigan
South Region Champion: Michigan
West Region
Round 1
Gonzaga v. Southern
- The Thought Process: Southern? I wish they would be more specific in this bracket.
- The Pick: Gonzaga
Pitt v. Wichita State
- The Thought Process: Crap. I forgot to shave today.
- The Pick: Pitt
Wisconsin v. Ole Miss
- The Thought Process: Marshall Henderson takes more shots in one game than me and my girlfriends take on an entire 3-day Carnival cruise.
- The Pick: Wisconsin
Kansas State v. La Salle
- The Thought Process: Kansas State is in Manhattan? Sex.and.the.City.
- The Pick: Kansas State
Arizona v. Belmont
- The Thought Process: Just in case anyone at Belmont had anything to do with helping the blonde girl on Nashville with her southern accent...
- The Pick: Arizona
New Mexico v. Harvard
- The Thought Process: Stansbury is the Harvard of the West. I assume New Mexico had to beat them to get into this thing.
- The Pick: New Mexico
Notre Dame v. Iowa State
- The Thought Process: I LOVE POPE FRANCIS!!!!!!!
- The Pick: Notre Dame
Ohio State v. Iona
- The Thought Process: They misspelled Iowa.
- The Pick: Ohio State
Round 2
Gonzaga v. Wichita
- The Thought Process: Wichita State's mascot is the Shockers?!? Not ok.
- The Pick: Gonzaga
Wisconsin v. Kansas State
- The Thought Process: In the time it's taken me to fill out this form, Paul Ryan could've finished a marathon.
- The Pick: Wisconsin
Arizona v. New Mexico
- The Thought Process: The Thought Process: These are like, basically the same place. This should be a good game. [Flips a coin]
- The Pick: Arizona
Notre Dame v. Ohio State
- The Thought Process: I watched the last time Notre Dame tried to win a championship. Anyway, Manti defriended me.
- The Pick: Ohio State
The Sweet Sixteen
Gonzaga v. Wisconsin
- The Thought Process: That big European girl for Gonzaga can really play.
- The Pick: Gonzaga
Arizona v. Ohio State
- The Thought Process: I totally want a free tattoo ...of a butterfly...on my lower back.
- The Pick: Ohio State
The Elite Eight
Gonzaga v. Ohio State
- The Thought Process: Gonzaga's campus is only a few hours away from Forks, Washington.
- The Pick: Gonzaga
West Region Champion: Gonzaga
East Region
Round 1
Indiana v. James Madison
- The Thought Process: If James Madison was so great, why hasn't Daniel Day-Lewis ever played him?
- The Pick: Indiana
North Carolina State v. Temple
- The Thought Process: That Jimmy V speech makes me cry like a baby. I won't give up on this bracket. I won't ever give up. [Sobbing hysterically]
- The Pick: NC State
UNLV v. California
- The Thought Process: Ocean's 11-13.
- The Pick: UNLV
Syracuse v. Montana
- The Thought Process: Orangemen! Oompa Loompa, do-ba-da-dee... If you are wise you'll listen to me.
- The Pick: Syracuse
Butler v. Bucknell
- The Thought Process: The Butler did it, in the gymnasium, with the basketball. Hehehe
- The Pick: Butler
Marquette v. Davidson
- The Thought Process: I bet the school was just called David before Mr. Miyagi came along.
- The Pick: Davidson
Illinois v. Colorado
- The Thought Process: I don't love marijuana. No matter what you've heard.
- The Pick: Colorado
Miami v. University of the Pacific
- The Thought Process: Party in the city where the heat is on. All night on the beach till the break of dawn... Welcome to Miami (bienvenido a Miami),
- The Pick: Miami
Round 2
Indiana v. NC State
- The Thought Process: NC State's victory celebrations tend to promote obesity.
- The Re-Pick: Indiana
UNLV v. Syracuse
- The Thought Process: The Hangover was so funny.
- The Pick: UNLV
Butler v. Davidson
- The Thought Process: Carson the butler is one of my favorite characters on Downton Abbey! And, so far, he hasn't been killed as a result of childbirth or a car wreck.
- The Pick: Butler
Colorado v. Miami
- The Thought Process: Pitbull!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- The Pick: Miami
- The Re-Thought Process: Pitbull.
- The Re-Pick: Colorado
- The Re-Re-Thought Process: Miami is totally capable of shutting Colorado down. I mean, all that weed has to go through Miami at some point.
- The Re-Re-Pick: Miami
The Sweet Sixteen
Indiana v. UNLV
- The Thought Process: The Hangover 2 was not as funny.
- The Pick: Indiana
Butler v. Miami
- The Thought Process: I just don't think anybody in this tournament can stop LeBron and Dwyane Wade.
- The Pick: Miami
The Elite Eight
Indiana v. Miami
- The Thought Process: Isn't the whole idea of Hoosiers that they win the tournament?
- The Pick: Indiana
East Region Champion: Indiana
Midwest Region
Round 1
Louisville v. North Carolina A&T
- The Thought Process: I don't think North Carolina A&T can win this one even if they tape cheetahs to their backs.
- The Pick: Louisville
Colorado St. v. Missouri
- The Thought Process: Brad Pitt went to Missouri? Brad Pitt went to Missouri.
- The Pick: Missouri
Oklahoma St. v. Oregon
- The Thought Process: I can't wait to see their fun uniforms!
- The Pick: Oregon
Saint Louis v. New Mexico State
- The Thought Process: Breaking Bad is set in New Mexico. It makes me want to sell meth.
- The Pick: Saint Louis
Memphis v. St. Mary's
- The Thought Process: Justin Timberlake. Step 1...cut a hole in a box.
- The Pick: Memphis
Michigan St. v. Valparaiso
- The Thought Process: Valpo sounds like that crap I feed my maltipoo.
- The Pick: Michigan State
Creighton v. Cincinnati
- The Thought Process: Nick Lachey is a daddy!
- The Pick: Cincinnati
Duke v. Albany
- The Thought Process: If there's one thing I know about Duke, it's that Duke would never go out in the first round.
- The Pick: Duke.
Round 2
Louisville v. Missouri
- The Thought Process: It's been a pretty big month for Cardinals.
- The Pick: Louisville
Oregon v. Saint Louis
- The Thought Process: Carrie referred to Jennifer Hudson's horribly acted character from the first Sex and the City movie as St. Louise. Ugh.
- The Pick: Oregon
Memphis v. Michigan State
- The Thought Process: Step 2...put your junk in that box!
- The Pick: Memphis
Cincinnati v. Duke
- The Thought Process: What's a bearcat? I'll believe that blue devils exist before you convince me that a bear and a cat successfully mated.
- The Pick: Duke
The Sweet Sixteen
Louisville v. Oregon
- The Thought Process: I read something about their coach and an Italian restaurant. That's totes my favorite kind of food, too!
- The Pick: Louisville
Memphis v. Duke
- The Thought Process: Step 3... I doubt Duke will open that box.
- The Pick: Duke
The Elite Eight
Louisville v. Duke
- The Thought Process: I just found out what the coach was doing in that restaurant.
- The Pick: Duke
- The Re-Thought Process: If there's one thing Cardinals do well, it's beat Devils. Cover up scandals and beat Devils.
- The Re-Pick: Louisville
Midwest Region Champion: Louisville
Final Four
Louisville v. Michigan
- The Thought Process: Michigan is a football school. Louisville makes baseball bats. How the heck did I end up here? I'm screwed. Well, when in doubt, go with God..
- The Pick: Cardinals
Gonzaga v. Indiana
- The Thought Process: This will be like the whitest thing on television since Blossom. Oh well, I guess somebody's gotta win.
- The Pick: Indiana
Championship
Louisville v. Indiana
- The Thought Process: Cody Zellar and Victor Oladipo give Indiana as impressive a 1-2 punch as any other team in the tournament. But freshman point guard Yogi Ferrell may be the most important player for the Hoosiers in the tournament. Can he handle the pressure and rise to the occasion? The Hoosiers have four players averaging double digits and have the athletic ability to run with anyone, but the size and savvy to slow the game down in the half court if necessary. Louisville comes into the Big Dance riding a 10 game winning streak. Russ Smith and Peyton Siva are a terror of a backcourt defensively, and the Cardinals swipe an impressive 10.7 steals per game; second most in the country. They are battle-tested in a tough Big East and have defeated opponents by an average of over 15 points over the course of the season. In the end, I think the stingy Louisville defense will be too much for young Ferrell to handle.
- The Pick: Louisville
- The Confession: I asked my boyfriend on the last one.
