With the kids screaming toward their break, the NBA's post-lockout curriculum requires us to squeeze two months of assignments into our midseason report card.
These circumstances call for assessing far more than the three R's: reboundin', runnin' and readin' the defense. We have to judge -- within the context of back-to-back-to-back exams and excused absences -- how well each team has fared relative to expectation.
And, by the nature of how this season has been obliged to unfold, even the expectations are tricky.
Anyway, just like some of us read, we'll go left to right, starting with the ...
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Dallas Mavericks
Grade: A-minus
Now that Dirk Nowitzki is feeling fit and has taken a refresher course in cold-blooded offense, the defending champs are putting themselves in pretty good closing position. The tuition for some of last year's class leaders was too steep, but school chancellor Mark Cuban continues working the numbers and is doing a nice job of preparing for the future while remaining in contention now.
Denver Nuggets
Grade: C-plus
Notes: Due to circumstance, instructor George Karl said he no longer thinks it's wise to bother with astronomy. So, without worrying about stars, the Nuggets were attempting to ambush the league through ensemble basketball. Despite several exchange students leaving for China, Denver thought it had enough good players to win the war of attrition. But the bum ankle of Danilo Gallinari shouldn't seem this important if the beat-'em-with-depth philosophy satisfied district standards, right?
Golden State Warriors
Grade: D
Without the benefit of a mere student-teaching assignment, first-year coach Mark Jackson is learning that talking about playing tough is easier than delivering it. Despite the lockout and rookie coach, a lot of NBA observers are shaking their heads and reminding the Warriors they have enough talent to be better than this. This, through 29 games, was 12-17. I wonder if "hand down, man down" still plays when Jackson solicits questions in the classroom.
Houston Rockets
Grade: A-minus
They've jumped a couple of seeds since the end of last season with a first-year coach of their own (Kevin McHale) and Samuel Dalembert arriving to provide a shot-blocking threat on defense. Thanks to assorted variables, there are no constellations referenced in their school books, either.
Los Angeles Clippers
Grade: B-plus
An impressive aspect of this rise of the historically downtrodden is the buy-in of the older kids who've been required to fill key reserve roles. The Clips are acing physics, but it'll be interesting to see if they continue to flourish in chemistry with Chauncey Billups in street clothes.
Los Angeles Lakers
Grade: C-minus
They're scoring well in their home work assignments for a new teacher with a different spin on geometry. Unfortunately, the Lakers are pretty scattered during off-campus trips (5-11), partly because the smartest kid on the bus needs to play well with others more often. He seems OK with the faculty, but isn't exactly thrilled with the administration. It also might help if the school budget allows for the purchase of a map to help Metta World Peace locate the bottom of the net.
Memphis Grizzlies
Grade: A-minus
The Grizzlies were 18-15 through 33 games but, like the Rockets, were expected to do more. The reason they achieved the same mid-term grade is the absence of Zach Randolph. Call it a study in perseverance. Once he returns, having Marreese Speights as the first sub in a three-man post rotation could make Memphis even nastier in the postseason than last year.
Minnesota Timberwolves
Grade: B-plus
Sitting at 16-17 adds up to something of a surprise for most observers, who didn't expect Ricky Rubio's learning curve to be taken on two wheels. Although we wouldn't mind seeing more from rookie Derrick Williams, the emergence of Nikola Pekovic reminds us that no 290-pound hoop child should be left behind.
New Orleans Hornets
Grade: Incomplete
Their scholastic record probably should be judged on a pass-fail system due to an insufficient body of work. Center Chris Kaman spent part of the first semester sitting in a corner, while the potentially-popular new kid (Eric Gordon) hasn't been well enough to even come to school.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Grade: A
A popular choice to reach the NBA Finals, the Thunder have managed to approach their lofty expectation level and learned how to use frequent suggestions of a rift between their two stars as motivational fuel. As long as Serge Ibaka stays after school and works on making the shots created by attention paid to his teammates, the grade could be maintained.
Phoenix Suns
Grade: C-minus
Even though the administration is studying for this summer's free-agent exams, a 14-19 start is disappointing. While an examination of the Middle Ages is the Suns' main course, a couple of needed senior skip days by Steve Nash and Grant Hill didn't help.
Portland Trail Blazers
Grade: C-minus
They're four games better than the Suns in the loss column, but the identical grade is the product of greater expectation. Coach Nate McMillan has wanted to speed up the classroom tempo, but his starting backcourt has struggled at this pace.
Sacramento Kings
Grade: D
Of course we didn't expect much from the Kings, but going 10-21 -- especially with some alleged young talent -- might eventually scare off potential suitors from Seattle and Anaheim. A head coach named Smart may not be enough to impress the alumni base.
San Antonio Spurs
Grade: A
This year's injury to Manu Ginobili didn't prevent professional agriculture student Tim Duncan and mercurial Tony Parker from keeping the Spurs in position to secure a high seed. Ten wins in a row deserves a gold star.
Utah Jazz
Grade: C
The recent 3-7 run has caused a dip in the mid-term average. But this is a team with enough resources (young, front court depth and draft picks) to reach the dean's list in another year or two.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Atlanta Hawks
Grade: B-plus
Scoring 19 victories with injured Al Horford not spending much time helping in class projects is cause for celebration. We're also very pleased with the progress made by Josh Smith, but the Hawks could work their way up to A-minus if someone finally convinces him to stay busy in the lane.
Boston Celtics
Grade: C-plus
Rajon Rondo has missed eight games and his veteran classmates usually don't start cracking the books until a few weeks before finals.
Charlotte Bobcats
Grade: F-plus
We're pretty sure Michael Jordan and his sharpies will know what to do if and when they receive the first overall draft pick. But Charlotte fans would be feeling more comfortable if Anthony Davis had enrolled at the University of North Carolina.
Chicago Bulls
Grade: A
They receive extra credit for having won 26 games despite extended absences from Derrick Rose, Rip Hamilton and Luol Deng. Once everyone is healthy, the Bulls may be rewarded with an extended field trip through the playoffs.
Cleveland Cavaliers
Grade: B-minus
Winning 12 of their first 29 games isn't bad, considering their best player (Kyrie Irving) played only part of one season in college and their heart and soul (Anderson Varejao) has been out this year. Winning enough to lessen the draft impact for this season knocked the Cavs down from a solid B.
Detroit Pistons
Grade: D-plus
They have enough decent veteran talent to mitigate the excuse of also relying on young talent. The plus was awarded because the students reportedly haven't skipped any classes with first-year coach Lawrence Frank.
Indiana Pacers
Grade: A-minus
A solid body of work from a group of kids who lack one really big brain among them. The minus was slapped on due to getting distracted (4-6) over the last 10 games.
Miami Heat
Grade: Incomplete
Yeah, they've been defending, running and dancing on the heads of most of the other kids in school. But they're on an accelerated grading system that only calculates what happens during the postseason. Even their legal guardian (Pat Riley) wouldn't sign off on a report card in February. In addition to the schooling supplied by the usual superstar suspects, a big key is the performance of superintendent Mario Chalmers.
Milwaukee Bucks
Grade: C
A record of 13-19 certainly seems like a good reason for a lower grade. But with Andrew Bogut missing school and Stephen Jackson smack in the middle of his Sweathogs routine, being within five games of .500 isn't terrible.
New Jersey Nets
Grade: D
They haven't done much while waiting to see if a rumored transfer student arrives from Orlando. The variables wedging between the Nets and a D-minus are the injuries to Brook Lopez and rookie MarShon Brooks.
New York Knicks
Grade: B-minus
Finally accepting that application from the Harvard kid has served to raise the team's GPA and PPG. Let's hope Carmelo Anthony copies from the Harvard kid's paper and improves the team's overall mark.
Orlando Magic
Grade: B-minus
Dwight Howard keeps raising his hand and chattering during group discussions, which can be pretty distracting to the learning process. It also didn't help matters when the class simply slept through an entire week of Stan Van Gundy lectures.
Philadelphia 76ers
Grade: A
As long as the young Sixers keep listening to professor Doug Collins, they'll have a chance to stand and deliver this spring. By the way, when the other team has the ball, they've also rated an A on D.
Toronto Raptors
Grade: D
The new instructor (Dwane Casey) didn't have the luxury of bringing along Tyson Chandler as teacher's aide.
Washington Wizards
Grade: F-plus
The times were too fast for now-departed coach Flip Saunders, whose roll call included such classroom stalwarts as Andray Blatche and JaVale McGee. Before management could enroll Spicoli's nephew or somebody as distracting, the administration turned the class over to substitute Randy Wittman. But did we actually expect much more from these guys?
