Perhaps no one in the media has more in common with America's Sideline Barbie, ESPN's Erin Andrews, than yours truly. Our outstanding work as journalists is oftentimes overshadowed by our immense sex appeal, stylish dress and bubbly personality. I abandoned covering the U.S. Open this year because I didn't want to deal with the hassle of the Williams sisters and Maria Sharapova constantly harassing me for my phone number.
Mad peeps
With Andrews scheduled to cry on Oprah's couch on Sept. 11 about being secretly videotaped in the buff, America's Sideline Barbie and I now share one more commonality: We've both shared the stage with the First Lady of Television. If you remember, I spent two episodes on Oprah's couch dissing gangsta-rap music in the aftermath of Don Imus' mean-spirited and overblown diss of Rutgers women's basketball players. Let me tell you this, Andrews is about to be re-violated. Nothing turns the sports media green with envy quicker than a date with Big O. Shortly after my appearance on Oprah, my old boss at AOL Sports hired an ESPN flack to write a hatchet job on me that appeared on AOL's Web site while I was still a proud employee of AOL. And a former friend fired off e-mails to blogs gossiping about me and an Atlanta nursing student who was supporting herself with a part-time job at Cheetah's. With that in mind, I did some snooping this week and discovered what some sports media personalities are plotting to attract the attention of Oprah Winfrey producers. Mike Lupica: His Parting Shot on the next episode of "The Sports Reporters" will touch on the emotional scars he carries from paying his way through Boston College as a human bowling ball in the American Dwarf Bowling Association. Stuart Scott: Signed a three-record deal with Ron Artest's Tru Warier rap label where Scott, under the stage name "Left Eye," will team with Scoop Jackson, stage name "Bushwick Bill," and John Clayton, stage name "Vanilla Nice," to form the new millennium version of the Geto Boys. Hank Goldberg: Is quietly circulating audio tapes of voice messages left for Linda Cohn that graphically explain how he got the nickname Hammerin' Hank. John Madden: Plans to release steamy Madden Cruiser pics of himself spooning and munching popcorn with Brett Favre while they watched the series finale of "Sex and the City." Mike and Mike: Agree to say something original, clever and provocative. Christine Brennan: Unveils a full-body column mug in USA Today showing off her newly purchased 38 DDs, tummy tuck and blonde hair. Her initial column is titled: "If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em." Peter King: Plans to release steamy pics of himself spooning and sipping Starbucks coffee with Brett Favre while watching the movie "Steel Magnolias." Joe Buck: Admits he sparked on-air confrontation with comedian Artie Lange by mooning the Howard Stern sidekick in the Green Room. Jemele Hill: Disappointed by her previous efforts — such as comparing the Celtics to Hitler, urging Packers fans to stone Brett Favre with batteries, blogging about oral sex — Hill claims she was an original member of Milli Vanilli. Rick Reilly: In a cliche and pointless 800-word column that will be read by tens of hundreds of readers who find it while looking for Bill Simmons' column, Reilly will reveal how his agent hoodwinked ESPN into a $3-million-a-year contract.
Matt Millen: Intends to share with the Detroit Free Press the compromising pictures of William Clay Ford he used to hold onto the Lions general-manager job for eight years. Charles Barkley: Opens a Phoenix-area resort called "Fave Five," which is a combination strip club, casino, liquor store, massage parlor and golf course. Michael Irvin: Publishing an editorial in The New York Times wondering why he was crucified for getting pulled over with an empty crack pipe under his car seat while the sports nation mourned when Josh Hamilton fell off the wagon into the breasts of three waitresses. Jay Mariotti: Just finished writing his first book for children, "Why Santa Claus Should Be Fired!" Jay's six-minute investigation — done during "Around The Horn" commercial breaks — into corruption at the North Pole reveals that St. Nick finances and operates an illegal reindeerfighting ring at his Alaskan summer home. O.J. Simpson: After successfully counseling Plaxico Burress, the Juice launches a prison consulting firm. "Most guys have no idea that because of America's crackdown on smoking in public, the Honey Bun has replaced a pack of cigarettes as the preferred currency in the joint," Simpson writes in a letter to Oprah producers. You can e-mail Jason at BallState0@aol.com or find him on Facebook at facebook.com/jasonwhitlock.
