An outsider's introduction to top coaches based on tweets

Published May. 8, 2013 10:00 a.m. ET

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My new friend Z'mar is from far away. Like, far, far away.

A native of a planet that, as he explains it, is unpronounceable in our tongue, Z'mar and his ship recently crash-landed on a 120-yard by 53 1/3-yard patch of grass in downtown Atlanta. He was, understandably, drawn toward the video scoreboard at Georgia Tech's Bobby Dodd Stadium, along with, as he said through his translation machine, "the strange battle formations its inhabitants were displaying."

It's OK, Z'mar, the Yellow Jackets' triple-option looks pretty strange to defenses — and the drop-back passers Paul Johnson is recruiting to play in it.

Z'mar's small taste of the game has piqued his curiosity and I've taken it upon myself to be our planet's ambassador in schooling him on all things college football. But where to start? The rivalries? The picturesque settings? The cheerleaders?

I've opted to begin with the most defining aspect of the game: the coaches. And what better way to introduce Z'mar to these molders of young men than their Twitter accounts?

What follows is some choice samples of the five coaches with the most followers — as broken down by a recent Tulsa World piece — along with the accounts that parody them or play up their choice quotes. Z'mar, using his translator, offers up his view on the game's top coaches based on their 140-character offerings.


Official Account: @LSUCoachMiles (107,242 followers)

Unofficial Account: @tqles (Quotable Les Miles) (4,452 followers)

Z'MAR'S TAKE: He seems like a human who doesn't follow the ways of other Earthlings. He appears to revel in that and succeeds sometimes in spite of his zaniness. Also, as with me, it seems that English is not his native language. Is he too speaking through an electronic translator?

TO CLARIFY: No, Z'mar, he doesn't follow the ways of other Earthlings — or talk like them. There was the flip to kicker Colt David, who ran for a touchdown on a fake field goal in 2007 and that same year, Miles went for it five times in fourth down vs. Florida. He's earned that Mad Hatter nickname.


Official Account: @CoachBrianKelly (91,405 followers)

Parody Account: @Not_Brian_Kelly (516 followers)

Z'MAR'S TAKE: This one appears to be in tune with the ways of his people. But we do get Spotify on my ship and upon looking at his playlist, "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" is alarming. Even on my planet we know that late 90s Aerosmith is horrendous.

TO CLARIFY: Kelly certainly says all the right things and it's hard to argue with his overall results, having taken the Irish to the BCS title game in his third season. But when it comes to his choice of Aerosmith, it's indefensible.




Official Account: @UTCoachJones (76,070 followers)

Parody Account: @NotCoachButch (2,083 followers)

Z'MAR'S TAKE: At first glance, he seems like a clone of that human leader at Notre Dame. But two questions: Why is he so enthralled with the guy who is on those pizza commercials we see during 'X-Files' reruns? Also, where are the orange pants the last guy wore? We could see those from five galaxies away.

TO CLARIFY: Yes, Z'mar, the similarities are there. Jones followed Kelly at Central Michigan and Cincinnati before taking the Tennessee job. To answer your questions, Jones is clearly setting himself up for a Papa John's franchise if this whole football thing doesn't work and as far as him trying to fill Derek Dooley's pants (literally), I don't see it happening. But it is worth noting that they cost $1,423.32 or just a little less than four Volunteers season tickets.


Official Account: @MarkRicht (65,711 followers)

Parody Account: @CroachMarkRicht (7,810 followers)

Z'MAR'S TAKE: On the surface, he would appear to be very reserved. But his exploits with those two heavy objects, for which he was awarded that belt, underscore a desire to demolish his opponents, not so different than our leaders did in the obliteration of planet Nbot during the Orion Rebellion. But I digress. ... Also, I enjoy his mock turtlenecks.

TO CLARIFY: That laid-back demeanor is one of Richt's calling cards — though there are some Bulldogs fans who will tell you it's only rivaled by his troubles in big games, with Richt carrying a 2-10 record vs. top-10 teams since 2007. And yes, the mock turtleneck is nice.


Official Account: @BretBielema (58,789 followers)

Parody Account: @BretBielemaUA (4,309 followers)

Z'MAR'S TAKE: Clearly this human isn't afraid to take a fight public. You said he is new to his sector but I wonder how this will impact his dealings with the other rulers, most notably that one who is hoarding those oblong crystal balls at Alabama? That yellow-haired woman in so many of his photos gets two antenna up.

TO CLARIFY: No, Z'mar, Bielema isn't afraid to voice his opinion on other coaches. He's already taken shots at Ohio State's Urban Meyer for recruiting practices and he's taken a jab at Alabama's Nick Saban, "the one who is hoarding those oblong crystal balls," saying Saban's Big Ten record back at Michigan State "can't compare" to Bielema's while at Wisconsin. As for his wife, Jen, who has caused quite a stir in SEC land, Bielema himself likes to say he "out kicked the coverage."

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