All That and a Bag of Mail: We Need Conference Challenges in CFB
Okay, it's mailbag time.
The college football season doesn't seem that far away now. That always happens once SEC Media Days arrive.
We're 41 days from the Thursday night college football kickoff.
Our beaver pelt trader of the week is Johnny Manziel because he managed to take over the entire sporting calendar by hooking up with a girl on Friday night. I'm not sure that's ever happened before. So props to Johnny Football.
Now on to the mailbag.
(Note, the Alabama fan pictured here was in the lobby at SEC Media Days. I took this picture myself. He is real. So is his mustache.)
Now on to the mailbag.
David D. writes:
Why don't we see more "conference vs. conference" pre-season challenges in college football?
I love the idea of talking college sports trash with an audience that has absolutely no interest in college football for an award that has nothing to do with sports.
Because it's so profoundly awkward.
Imagine if you'd gone with, "Okay, guys, say it with me, SEC, SEC, SEC," would there have been complete silence?
Or would Harvard's Moldovan expert on valence bond theory have started chanted it in horribly accented English? "S, E, and the C, S, E, and the C, S, E, and the C..."
This segues perfectly into another mailbag question:
Andrew M. writes:
As a general rule, if your average Alabama fan does it, it's probably wrong. This is particularly the case when it's done without irony for a minor accomplishment. I mean, the game of Jenga has to end by the tower falling, right? It's inevitable. Is it really that much of an accomplishment to not knock over the tower given that when you start playing you're aware that someone has to do it or else the game would never end? Given that most eight to ten year olds don't have an ironic sense of humor developed, it's likely that this 8-10 year old Bama fan was playing with other 8-10 year old Bama fans and legitimately celebrating. Which means he was taunting them with the same taunt that they'd use on him if he lost.
Now, if you're a reasonably intelligent Alabama fan -- okay, work with me here, they do exist -- and you have friends who aren't Bama fans, it would be ironically funny if after minor victories you started saying Roll Tide. Example, you're at Cracker Barrel and beat your seat companion in the jumping pegs game.
Dropping a "Roll Tide," here would be okay.
But that's being done in a knowingly ironic fashion. i.e., you know how ridiculous it is to do and do it anyway to make fun of the Bama fans who would do it for real.
I think it would be even funnier, however, if SEC fans took back the Roll Tide cheer and started making fun of Alabama fans by doing it every time we screwed up.
Accidentally spill ketchup on yourself, "Roll Tide." Fail your GED test for the ninth straight time? "Roll Tide."
Kenny writes:
"Today I have a job interview at the company I currently work for. I'm interning at the company right now and the interview is with my current boss, but for a different, full time position. Long story short, I found myself on a party bus to a concert last night with a bunch of my buddies (I'm an idiot I know). I figured I would go, have a beer or two, and be sleeping by midnight since the concert was less than an hour away. Well, I didn't know until halfway there that almost everyone else on the bus had today off so the plan was to go where the road took us and drink until the sun came up. So, like an idiot, I went along with it and got about two hours of sleep after countless beers, vodka/redbulls, and shots. I'm sitting at my desk right now with the shakes still feeling pretty drunk and I'm scared that people can still smell booze on me. What would you do in this situation? This interview has been scheduled for over a month. Do I try to come up with something so that we have to reschedue or do I risk not being at my best and just go ahead with my interview? Interview isn't until 4:00 today and I'd love to get your advice."
Okay, it's not yet noon. At lunch, take an hour off, go home, eat something substantial to get your stomach grounded, lay down for a thirty minute power nap -- set an alarm -- and then when you wake up reshower. Change your clothes if you can do so without being conspicuous. If you can't do that, keep the same clothes on.
That should kill any lingering alcohol scent and get you back in fighting shape.
Don't reschedule the interview because that raises way too many flags. I'm not sure which job you're interviewing for, but you're an intern. You're not interviewing to be director of the CIA. I'm pretty sure you can handle all the questions no matter what you did the night before.
Everyone who has ever worked in an office will completely agree with this -- you're going to be faking your ass off at your job a ton. "I love to work here." "If (insert company) doesn't succeed, I won't be able to sleep at night."
Working in a corporate office is just one lie after another.
You might as well start now.
Good luck.
Abby writes:
"After you made it known to the world Johnny Football was clearly hooking up with a hot chick the night before he “overslept” at the Manning Camp, it got me thinking...what would happen if Johnny hooked up with Nick Saban’s daughter? Would Saban wallpaper his office with Scooby Doo Johnny to keep him motivated? Would Saban’s daughter punch any girl that got close to Johnny again?"
After reading about the sorority catfight beatdown she delivered and knowing her bloodlines, I'm pretty convinced that Saban's daughter is basically Keri Russell's character in "The Americans." She might be able to beat Manziel's ass by herself.
If Johnny hooked up with Saban's daughter I would completely and totally assume that this was part of Alabama's master plan to win on September 14th. And every single one of you reading this right now would too. I'm not sure what she would do to him, but I would see it as a KGB-esque Cold War plot all planned and executed by the Saban family. What if Saban's daughter got Manziel to fall in love with her -- this is assuming that Manziel was capable of falling in love with one girl ever -- and then broke up with him the night before the game via a series of crushing texts? What if she became incredibly controlling and burned his Scooby Doo costume, thereby destroying all of the magical mojo that Johnny Football has had since he wore that costume for Halloween?
Of course, Saban said at SEC media days that he can't control his daughter at all. (Is that a clever ploy to fool Manziel). Which is great. Because kids don't care what their dads or moms do for a living. Barack Obama's got two daughters who don't care at all that he's President. Prom season will be coming up for both girls soon and he'll hate whichever guys take them to prom. That's because he was a teenage boy.
Obama will be thinking, "The entire country trusts me not to blow up the entire world in ten minutes, but if I tell Sasha or Malia I don't like their boyfriend, they're going to keep dating him just to spite me."
I guarantee this.
Anyway, can you think of a more unexpected relationship than Saban's daughter dating Manziel? What if she really liked him and showed up in the stadium in an Aggie #2 jersey? Can you imagine the media asking Saban about his daughter dating Manziel during game week? Would Saban's head explode? Would he choke the media member to death who asked about it? Since that media member would clearly be me, could my family recover any civil damages in a wrongful death lawsuit if Saban choked me to death in Alabama?
Conversely, what if Johnny Football hooked up with Saban's daughter just because he thought it was the only way to distract Saban from his maniacal hundreds of hours of football tape viewing?
This needs to happen just so we can all deconstruct the possibilities.
Dan writes:
"Last week the US Men's World University team beat the United Arab Emirates team 140 to 46. Almost a century margin. My question is how low in American basketball leagues would this UAE team have to go to be competitive? Would the decent DIII teams still beat them? Would they have to go all the way down to the 5A high school leagues?"
The UAE has nearly five million people.
So that's basically the population of Alabama.
I have zero doubt that the best high school basketball team in Alabama could beat them.
Just about every D3 team would, every major state championship team would beat them as well.
...
Have great weekends.
I'm off to watch a matinee version of Turbo with my five and two year olds.
I'm just hoping they don't both decide they have to poo at the exact same moment.
