Rejoice, it's Friday and time for you to pretend to work while reading the mailbag. As all of you freeze your asses off on the east coast, I'm sitting on the hotel balcony here in Los Angeles looking out over the Pacific Ocean. Of course I'm not wearing any pants. (I write roughly 90% of all Outkick articles published before noon without wearing pants. I do have underwear on though, I'm not a total degenerate. Plus, do you really think my wife would let me sit on any of our furniture without pants on? Please. This means I'm actually the blogger cliche that all the old writers used to complain about, the guy writing with no pants on. The only difference is I'm not in my mom's basement.) It's seventy degrees this morning. Of course, I'm about to hop a flight back to Nashville so I'll be freezing with the rest of you soon enough.
But I just wanted to give you all a reason to hate me this morning.
Here are my gambling picks for the NFL games this weekend and the title game:
Cowboys at Green Bay -5.5
Ravens +7.5 at Patriots
Carolina +12 at Seattle
Colts at Broncos -7
And for the inaugural college football playoff game: Oregon -6 vs. Ohio State
I finished the bowl season 7-10. So, yeah, I'm sorry.
On to the mailbag.
Jake writes:
"Clay,
I ran across this article the other day about spouses giving their significant other sex any time requested for a month. There are three couples who kept journals during the process. The first couple had to take 5 days off from sex because the guy burned his dick while ironing his shirt. His name and picture are in the article. I think even the dumbest Alabama fan would be smart enough to exclude this information from a journal that would be read by everyone. How does this happen? Is this a cover up for something more embarrassing? Is this the worst luck in history that a guy burns his dick during the one month his wife agreed to have sex with him whenever he wanted? This may lead to influx of injured dick stories in your anonymous mailbag.
The second couple in the article had the typical roles reversed. The woman wanted sex every night while the man only wanted it twice a week. How many women want sex more than men? 1 in a 1000? How man men would like sex every night? 95 in a 100? What are the odds that the woman who wants sex all time ends up with one of the men who doesn't want it all time?
How do I suggest to my wife that we try this one month experiment to make her think it was her idea?
Here is the link to the article"
Confession: I have never ironed anything in my life because I just assume I'll burn myself and I'm not that worried about my shirts being wrinkled. I've also also never chopped up any food with a knife in preparation for cooking or boiled water. Nor have I ever purchased a song or album on iTunes. Is there anyone else in a first world country who also has never done these four things?
So I'm sympathetic about the guy who burned his penis while ironing. This has to be one of the worst feelings possible. It's just about as bad as catching your dick in a zipper.
While I don't iron, there's a zero percent chance I would have a steaming hot iron anywhere near my penis. That's just asking for trouble. How is he only out of commission for five days? Also, how awkward is this move, does he have a Greg Oden penis that he tossed over the side of the ironing board like a lasso or did he somehow swipe off the board and then hit his dick? This just seems really hard to pull off for an average guy.
Anyway, I do believe it actually happened because you couldn't make up a more embarrassing story, but would you write this for an article that's going to be read by everyone? I mean, I probably would but you guys just expect me to be honest. It probably wouldn't even surprise any of you if I wrote an entire article about burning my dick with a iron. But if you're a regular guy wouldn't you just make up an excuse about how you or your wife weren't in the mood for sex rather than confess to burning your dick with an iron? Of course, if you were a regular guy would you agree to publish your sex diary in a British newspaper? I mean, this is just awful luck. The one time in this guy's life that his wife will sleep with him whenever he asks and he can't perform because he burned his dick with an iron. Just awful.
As for the woman who wants sex more than her husband, these women are like unicorns, I'm not even sure I believe they really exist. The only time women want sex more than men is when they're trying to get pregnant. That's it. But I'm with you, assuming she's real, how in the world does she end up with one of the men who doesn't like sex that much? Those odds seem incredible. Is it just because she's screwing everyone else at her work and likes hanging out with him and doing crossword puzzles? That has to be it. I mean, imagine who you might end up with if sex didn't exist and you still had to find a life partner. People would all marry members of the same sex, right? Guys would marry guys, girls would marry girls. Split marriages, girls and guys together, would be really rare. If sex didn't exist just about everyone would choose to be life partners with members of the same sex.
Rick writes:
"Clay - a friend of mine swears the following happened to his friend at a Memphis fertility clinic. The couple goes to the clinic for their first appointment where the guy is given a cup and asked for a sample. A little while later, he gives the cup with the sample to the nurse. The nurse takes the cup and then tells him, "Sir, we only needed a urine sample." He promptly grabbed his wife, left the clinic and never returned. I do believe they eventually went to a different fertility clinic."
Legit belly laughter here.
That needs to be in a movie.
Aaron writes:
"Let's assume the Bucs take Marcus Mariota at #1, wouldn't the Titans have to take Jameis Winston at #2? As much as I dislike him, I think he's definitely the second best qb in this draft. And if the Titans pass on him and he wins a super bowl with the team that does draft him, the Titans would look even more idiotic. If you're the Titans gm and the Bucs take Mariota first, who would you take?"
I would do everything in my power to convince the rest of the NFL that we loved both quarterbacks and thought they would both win a Super Bowl. I would leak this to every national reporter possible. All in an effort to convince another team that they needed to trade up to get one of these guys. Kind of like what the Rams did with the second pick when the Redskins traded up and got RGIII. I wouldn't mean it, but I'd try to create a great deal of demand and hope that someone was willing to trade up.
As for winning a Super Bowl, the odds of a first round quarterback ever winning a playoff game are below 50/50 over the last decade. The odds of winning a Super Bowl are much lower. I'd be stunned beyond belief if Winston ever won a Super Bowl. In fact, if I were setting odds right now for winning a Super Bowl versus being arrested, Winston's odds of being arrested have to be vastly higher than his odds of winning a Super Bowl, right?
So while fans would blame you if Winston won a Super Bowl, what would fans do if you drafted Winston first or second overall and he came to your city and was subsequently investigated for or charged with rape? If he were charged with rape, do the GM and coach who drafted him keep their jobs? I don't think so. In this modern era the backlash would be unlike anything we've ever seen before. It's just not a good risk.
Another interesting point: One of you emailed or Tweeted asking for an NFL situation where two quarterbacks went one and two in the draft and the guy who went second become the stud and the guy who went first was the bust. We have Peyton Manning over Ryan Leaf and Andrew Luck over RGIII in relatively recent history at one and two. Can anyone think of a quarterback taken second overall who ended up being the better player and the guy who went first overall was the bust? I can't.
Edit: Several of you have pointed out that Donovan McNabb was the second pick to Tim Couch's number one pick. So I blew this one. I don't know how y'all expect me to remember this. It's not like I work with Donovan McNabb.
Wait...
By the way, since we're talking about quarterbacks here are two great quarterback bar facts to impress your friends with -- assuming they're losers and don't read the Outkick mailbag too -- the Big 12 has never had a quarterback win a playoff game. That's an incredible stat. This one might even be more incredible: The last Big Ten quarterback drafted in the first round was Kerry Collins in 1995.
Taylor writes:
"I am an avid Ohio State fan that has lived in Nashville my whole life. As you can imagine, the past 10 years or so have been a constant battle of me trying to defend my Buckeyes (and to a smaller degree, the Big Ten), while everyone around me has proclaimed the SEC and their dominance (rightfully so). Obviously this argument hasn't gone well for me and I've eaten a lot of crow through the years.
Here's an analogy to describe my predicament.
Let's pretend that every year, there is a huge party that me and my friends are invited to. Each year, I tell my friends that I'll be bringing a date to the party and that's she's smoking hot. Each year, my date doesn't show up and my friends let me have it. As this has happened year after year, my friends had begun to argue that it would never happen. This year, although she was somewhat late (causing some to make a comparison to a mouse fighting a snake), she finally showed up and my friends were stunned. She was even hotter than I imagined. There was nothing gimmicky about her. No ridiculous makeup, fake boobs, or other distractions. She was just beautiful. So beautiful in fact, that I forgot about the other years when she didn't show up and left me disappointed, at least for a little while.
When the Buckeyes upset Alabama this past Monday, my feelings weren't simply pure jubilation, but a strong feeling of relief. It meant that for at least one week, everyone wouldn't be telling me how overrated and terrible Ohio State and the Big Ten were. It meant that for a second straight year, the SEC wouldn't be winning a national championship. It meant that everyone had to put away the pictures of depressed Urban Meyer eating cold pizza on a golf cart for at least another week. It meant that I could have told you and others to eat a box of male reproductive parts (although I restrained for the most part). It meant that I could proudly rep my team that just went toe to toe with the best and came out on top.
Will my date show up next year? I don't know that for sure, but things seem to be pointing in the right direction. But I do know that for at least this year, no one can say anything (except for pointing to all the years she didn't show). The SEC is still the deepest and best conference in college football, but the gap has closed quickly. Regardless of the outcome versus Oregon on Monday, this season has brought plenty of respect for Buckeyes. I just hope my date will show up more one time."
Standing on the field as the Sugar Bowl ended it seemed like the entire stadium was kind of in stunned disbelief. The Ohio State fans couldn't believe they had won and the Alabama fans couldn't believe they had lost. So I can imagine how that felt to be an Ohio State fan, the relief just rolling over you. But what happens if Oregon comes out Monday and wins by three touchdowns on Monday? Doesn't the derision come right back? The Urban eating cold pizza memes return, the crushing of the Buckeyes recommences in earnest, Ohio State has to win this game to vanquish a decade of national ridicule.
I do feel good for the average Ohio State fan who hasn't been focused on telling me to eat a bag of dicks. Over the years I've ended up with several good Ohio State friends -- from 3HL producer JT to Eddie George and Elika to Royce and Axe at Fox, it's a pretty good crew of people that I like hanging out with. So I'm sympathetic for their plight. But sympathetic enough to root for the Big Ten -- I hope all of them are crying on Monday night questioning why they ever decided to become Buckeye fans.
Jacob writes:
"Who needs a national championship more, the Big Ten or the PAC-12?
Public opinion says the PAC-12 is the nation's second-best conference, and after the bowl season, arguably the best. But the league still hasn't won a national title since USC in 2004.
The Big Ten had a decent bowl run, but is still considered the third or fourth best Power Five conference. Big Ten apologists won't have as much fuel for SEC bashing if it leaves Dallas without a title."
It's the Big Ten by far. The Pac 12 is in good shape in terms of national perception. Sure, if Oregon loses this game some will focus on the fact that the Ducks can't win the big game -- the big game, by the way, is a moving target, always the game you lose, never all the games you win to reach the big game -- but no one will really question the conference as a whole.
The Big Ten has won 1.5 national titles in the past two generations, one by Ohio State in 2002 and the other half by Michigan in 1997. That's it. Meanwhile Ohio State has lost national title games by double digits twice in recent history, in 2006 and in 2007. If Urban Meyer wins this game then he's got three national titles, just one less than Nick Saban, and he's only fifty years old. We'll immediately start asking whether Meyer will be the greatest college football coach of all time.
Toss in the fact that the Big Ten's television contract is up soon and there's no contest here, it's the Big Ten by a landslide.
Ben writes:
"My wife is insisting on teaching our baby sign language. He is currently 11 months old. I think this is ridiculous as he is not deaf. Am I wrong for opposing this? Also, what about Helen Keller? I just never bought that whole story. She wrote a book that had already been written and she was a communist. Furthermore I am pretty sure she was from Alabama."
I guess it's kind of cool when a baby knows sign language, but we're on our third kid and I'm more worried about making sure I don't catch the baby's dick in a zipper than I am whether he can sign to me. They're going to start talking soon enough. And if your kids are anything like mine they are going to never stop talking. So I don't know why you'd spend the time teaching him sign language.
Everyone complains about how hard babies are to take caare of, but if I had to rank my kids for ease of raising right now, our three month old is by far the easiest. Our six and four year olds are a tornadic handful. Our baby doesn't talk back, he eats his bottle, he smiles and coos at you when he wakes up in the morning, he never throws fits that aren't justified, he doesn't wrestle with his brothers or wipe his boogers all over our furniture or throw fits over what he can watch on the TV. You can take him to a restaurant and he doesn't climb underneath the table, turn over his drink, or order something and then refuse to eat it all while making way too much noise.
Once you can get a baby to sleep through the night, they're really pretty awesome.
I guess a baby doing sign language is cool, but it seems like a waste of time. A baby really only has three desires when he cries -- he's tired, he's hungry, or he's got a dirty diaper. I can figure this out on my own.
Chris writes:
"Clay,
Do you ever fear for your safety or the safety of your children? I know that most of the people that threaten on twitter and such are harmless but you never know these days. A lot of us agree with what you write but most people wouldn't have the balls to say and do the things that you do. Your balls must be so large that it's hard to sit comfortably. With balls that large, you should donate as much sperm as possible so that you can seed the world with your genes and maybe we can bring down that 85% number.
Keep it up you gay muslim!"
I don't fear for my safety because I've never had a negative word said to my face in ten years of writing online, five years of radio, and three years of television. Not a single one. And it's not like I'm some cloistered monk who never goes out in public. Hell, I used to do live radio shows from gas stations in rural middle Tennessee. Those radio remotes were always a bit scary to me because we broadcast exactly where we were and anyone could pull up to the gas station and walk right in. All it takes is one crazy person.
But we never had any issues there either.
I meet Outkick readers, radio show listeners, Twitter followers, and TV viewers all over the country. And I've never had a bad interaction.
Are there people out there that would like to do me harm?
Probably.
Can I allow a crazy person to dictate what I do? Nope. I've written this before, but the people I most admire in all walks of life are those that are fearless, the people that are willing to take risks. The terror attack in France hit home for me because we're basically at war between those who believe in free expression regardless of your race, religion, or national creed and those who don't believe in free expression.
The terror attacks don't scare me, what scares me is that the far left and the far right have so much in common -- both of them are at war with things that they deem offensive. The far left and the far right don't believe that they should ever be offended by anything. Now, what they're offended by is different, but the concept is the same, and that's scary to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who still lives in the middle.
Let me put it to you this way: I don't think there has ever been a totalitarian leader or a despot or a far right or far left leader with a great sense of humor. People who can laugh at themselves don't start world wars.
We need more ridicule, not less.
Army officer writes:
"I want to write to you for some advice in regards to law school. My questions are is law school still a worthwhile education to possibly take on loans in order to pay for even if you're going to a second tier law school (in my case some place like South Texas or University of Houston) if I am unable to go to the higher tier ones like Texas in Austin or SMU. I am taking the LSAT in Feb and I hope to reasonably get a 160 but my undergrad GPA was a 2.5. I served honorably as a 1LT in the Army but I am seriously debating if law school debts are worth it considering the current legal employment climate especially in Texas (I could consider out of state but frankly having spent a good amount of time away from my family and I don't want to be outside of reasonable driving distance for an Aggie Football weekend). So is a legal education still getting a good return on the investment or is it up for grabs depending on the connections you make and the legal fields you work in?"
This is a great question that I get asked a ton.
Is law school worth it? Particularly when, by and large, once you become a lawyer every lawyer's dream is not to be a lawyer any longer. I can't think of any other professional job where you go to school for this long and then immediately start scheming to leave the profession as soon as you start doing it. Doctors and architects and professors aren't all trying not to be doctors and architects and professors are they? Just about every lawyer wishes he or she wasn't practicing law. And the people who truly love practicing law are terrifying.
I think the problem is every lawyer thinks the job is going to be better than it is and then we start working and we're like, "Uh oh, this is what I'm really going to be doing for the rest of my life?" It's not digging ditches for a living, but there's a disconnect between the expectation of the job and the reality of the job. It seems much cooler than it is.
Add in the fact that while you make good money you're basically a car mechanic for people who are richer than you. So you're always thinking, "How in the fuck is that idiot able to pay me $300 an hour? He can barely tie his shoes and he's worth fifty million dollars."
Law school enrollment is plummeting right now because many of the young associate jobs are drying up. That makes the loans you take out really stressful because those loans are predicated on you earning a decent salary. Will the market keep getting worse because so much of the legal profession is automated now? Perhaps.
Having said all of that, I loved everything about law school. I made some of my best friends, learned a ton, had an incredible time, and met my wife there. If I were 22 years old all over again I would still go to law school. But I might be less inclined to take out lots of loans and might contemplate taking a full ride to a lesser school just to preserve my options.
Good luck.
Matt writes:
"Before I ask my question I just wanted to thank you for the great work you have done on the site. I picked up a copy of Dixieland Delight in 8th grade and have been reading OKTC ever since. Now on to my question: if you were Cardale Jones and you have a good game in the national title game how much consideration do you give to going pro? He's been out of high school for four years at this point so he is eligible and if he has a good game his stock will likely never be higher. I think it would be a huge risk for him to go back to OSU and potentially lose out to J.T. Barrett when he could simply start his pro career now."
Dixieland Delight has been out since 2007 and I've been writing online since 2004. This means that some of you have actually grown up reading me, which makes me feel like the oldest 35 year old man on earth. So thanks for that.
I agree with you. If Cardale Jones plays great and wins the national title, I think he should leave early. He has no guarantee that he would play next season. Why not go ahead and try your luck at the NFL?
