On Tuesday afternoon, CBS and Turner Sports announced that following this year's NCAA Tournament, we'll be getting another Luther Vandross-less "One Shining Moment."
This isn't the first time the networks have tried giving the unabashedly cheesy highlight reel a facelift. A couple years ago they subbed our darling Vandross for Jennifer Hudson, who, according to reliably reasonable and balanced reactions on the Internet, should be tried in the Hague for even touching the song.
Naturally there's a lot of talk as to who this "new artist" could be. (Turner EVP Craig Barry said the song will retain its "adult contemporary, R&B" style.) There are a few safe, non-stick, antibacterial, kid-friendly options out there for TBS to choose from. They could get Coldplay, John Legend, Paul McCartney or Bruno Mars or some other bland fifth person. But since everyone is going to hate this new artist on principle for intruding upon this corny tradition no matter what said new artist does, why not have some actual fun with who you pick? Here are a few artists we're not-so-secretly hoping get to replace Vandross this year:
YOUNG THUG
Listen. Have you heard "Slime Season 3"? Thugger raps in a bizarre, hieroglyphic moon language, but you feel every syllable. Also, instead of reaching for the traditional gun sound, he did a bow-and-arrow ad-lib on one track, which is right behind Future calling his gun a "stick" in terms of cultural importance. Young Thug is right now. Young Thug is also the future. Young Thug could make "One Shining Moment" great again.
PITBULL
He'll put on his best driving loafers and his nicest white linen suit, rap a few bars in English, rap a few bars in Spanish, shout ORALE! once or twice, there'll be a horn solo, and it'll be his best performance ever. Actually, it's kind of hard to tell with him. Which is why he'd be perfect for the job.
RUBEN STUDDARD
He won "American Idol" and managed to erase an entire year of doing his girl dirt with a single song. I'm sure he could handle singing a song nobody really knows any of the lyrics to.
BEYONCE
When in doubt, the answer is probably Beyoncé. Even when it's not Beyoncé, "Beyoncé" is still a correct answer. Who can draw out those vibratos and make that chorus really soar? Beyoncé. Who can leap tall buildings in a single bound? Beyoncé. How many roads must a man walk down? Beyoncé. Is steam a liquid or a gas? Beyoncé. See what I mean?
GOTYE
Remember that Belgian-Australian guy with the crazy facepaint with that one song we all had stuck in our heads for months a few years ago? That was a pretty good song, right? He seems like he can carry a tune while we watch fifth-year seniors bank in game-winning 3s in slow motion. We also haven't heard much from him since, so in a conveniently meta sort of way, he kind of is "One Shining Moment." Whoa. Everything is like, connected.
THAT REALLY SAD BAR WALKER WITH THE ACOUSTIC GUITAR FROM "TRUE DETECTIVE" SEASON 2
During one of the many, tense, droning, deadly serious back-and-forths between Ray and Frank in the woefully disappointing second season of "True Detective", there's a strung-out looking lounge singer sighing her way through a song called "Least Favorite Life." Her name is Lera Lynn. Imagine the following as a soundtrack for a supercut of teammates and coaches crying into each others' arms.
FUTURE
All of the rest of these have been (half) jokes. I am 110 precent serious about this one. Do the right thing, CBS. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.
WARNING: Explicit language.
