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Since Clemson, Kansas State, Wisconsin and Michigan State all lost, what new and innovative ways will the BCS non-humans find to push Oklahoma State ahead of Alabama in the next BCS rankings? While you humans dwell over that monkey business, let's get right to the carnage, shall we?
Ohio State beat Wisconsin in a ridiculous (in a good way) game featuring ridiculous (in a very bad way) red-and-gray uniforms. Why must our eyes be assaulted like this? Leave that job to Lady Gaga. And Maryland.
For the second straight week, Wisconsin got beat on a long pass. This time, it came with 20 seconds left in the game as Ohio State won 33-29. It was a great game, and college football nation would like to thank Wisconsin for being their go-to-team to watch in the final minute of a game.
• Quiz time: Illinois could have beaten Penn State if it had a) scored two touchdowns in the game; b) had a pulse; or c) all of the above? The Illini's Derek Dimke missed a 42-yard field-goal attempt by doinking the right upright as time expired and thus ended the Illini's bid to lull everyone asleep in overtime. If Penn State can't induce a comatose state, Illinois is more than able to fill the Nittany Lions' shoes. The bright spot of this game, besides the game finally ending 10-7? Penn State's Joe Paterno broke coach Eddie Robinson's career all-time Division I record by winning his 409th game.
• Michigan State should have had a bowl of menudo — the world's greatest hangover medicine — before playing Nebraska. The Spartans looked hung over after their big win over Wisconsin last week, and the Cornhuskers looked sharp. Even Kirk Cousins' icy blue eyes lost their laser-like stare. Shocking moment of the day occurred when Nebraska coach Bo Pelini was seen laughing and smiling. Since this is news, we must report it.
• Apparently Nebraska and Penn State are the only teams that want to win the Big Ten conference. One Leader, one Legend and one giant "L" if either of these teams gets the opportunity to play LSU or Alabama in the BCS Championship Game. Yes, Michigan is still in the hunt, but that gun is being carried by a team that has yet to win a quality conference game, unless Minnesota, Northwestern or Purdue is counted as a quality win. Do any of those count?
This week, Indiana stunk more than Minnesota usually does, losing 59-38 to Northwestern while Minnesota beat Iowa 22-21. Do with that what you want.
• Vanderbilt had a chance to tie Arkansas with eight seconds left. All Vanderbilt needed to do was to make a 27-yard chip shot. If you have followed Vandy football your entire life, you should have known how this game would have ended. Arkansas 31, Vanderbilt 28. 'Nuff said.
• Tennessee and Kentucky are, well, not very good. Both schools are winless in the Southeastern Conference and sport identical 3-5 overall records, but Tennessee has the perfect excuse for not being better — it's Lane Kiffin's fault. Still. Note to SEC fans — this excuse has a two-year limited warranty. Next year, start blaming Phil Fulmer again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
• LSU and Alabama were on byes so that we all could watch Georgia beat Florida 24-20. Just think, either Georgia or South Carolina — which beat Tennessee 14-3 — gets to play in the SEC championship game. And here you thought that playing mediocre football didn't get rewarded. Why, it lives and breathes right here in the SEC's East. Good win for Georgia, but when the Dawgs actually beat a ranked team — oh heck, a team that currently has a winning record — then I'll say, "Good doggie."
• On to Atlantic Coast Conference action. Clemson pulled a fast one on us — OK, not really fast, we saw this coming — and lost to Georgia Tech 31-17. Is Clemson still Clemson? How messed up is the ACC? We love parity, but there's a difference between a lot of good teams beating one another up — as in the Big 12 — and a lot of average teams waiting to see who will cave first. Virginia Tech squeaked out a 14-10 win over Duke, Maryland lost to Boston College and Virginia beat Miami. Oh, and North Carolina walloped Wake Forest.
If you're an Orange Bowl executive, you're sweating bullets right now — who is going to shell out big bucks to see the ACC champ play, say, the Big East champ? It's going to take more than free Disney World tickets to get fans to leave South Beach and its fabulous mojitos and go watch football in the Orange Bowl holding plastic longneck beer bottles in balmy weather.
• Speaking of the Big East, we are sad to report that another school is leaving the conference. This time, West Virginia is hitting the road and heading out to Big 12 country. If Texans could teach Mountaineers fans how to smoke beef over flaming couches, this could be quite the little arrangement. And how happy are beer vendors at Mountaineer Field after the announcement the school is leaving the Big East?
Here's what you need to know about Big East football this week: Three games were played, and no matter which team I said won or lost, you probably wouldn't be surprised. Just throw all the team names in a hat and draw half of them out — there are your winners. Pitt, Louisville and West Virginia. And the rest are your losers. UConn, Syracuse and Rutgers. See how that worked?
• The game of the week was USC vs. Stanford, which ended in a triple-OT 56-48 win for Stanford. The line was Stanford minus-7.5, so if you took USC, you just bought Vegas oddsmakers a prime rib dinner like millions of other gamblers. Stanford's Andrew Luck and USC's Matt Barkley played very well — the Suck for Luck sweepstakes continue while the Stay Pat for Matt campaign is heating up.
• After wilting under the dry heat in Arizona last week, UCLA played to keep coach Rick Neuheisel this week. The Bruins won 31-14 against a Cal team that was seemingly allergic to pigskin. The Bears turned the ball over five times, including four interceptions.
• The usual suspects in the Pac-12 did exactly what we thought they would do — they lost. Oregon State, Arizona, Colorado and Washington State at least are playing consistently. So there's that.
• The Big 12 continues to play on another level every week — only one team in the entire conference has an overall losing record.
Hearts were broken in Manhattan, Kan., as Kansas State finally lost. Oklahoma took the Wildcats to the woodshed and won 58-17. Missouri beat Texas A&M 38-31 in overtime with Gus Johnson calling the game alongside Charles Davis — let's just say the Gus Factor was very evident. Oklahoma State, leading Baylor 35-0 at the half, beat the Bears 59-24.That's good defense right there, folks.
• Houston's Case Keenum threw for nine touchdowns against Rice, and the Cougars beat the Owls 73-34. Keenum also set an Football Bowl Subdivision record for career touchdown passes.
Central Florida pounded Memphis 41-0, which means Memphis' dance card should be full for the next few years by SEC East teams wanting a nonconference game — the Tigers are averaging less than 300 yards total per game. The scary part? Both Kentucky and Mississippi are averaging even less. How does Houston Nutt sleep at night when his Ole Miss team is churning out about 284 yards a game in offense?
• Scary photo of the week (see top of story) is Nutt doing his impression of Jack Nicholson in "The Shining." Happy Halloween.
