The NFL is allowing a bit of fun back into the game, as team owners voted this week to relax rules against touchdown celebrations. While acts deemed “lewd” will still be banned, players will have more freedom to express themselves with group celebrations, by going to ground in celebration and more.
This is exciting. The world of NFL celebrations is opening up. Here are 11 possible celebrations we’re the most excited to see.
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The Swan Dive
With the NFL lifting its ban on going to ground with celebrations, players can freely channel their favorite MLS player and, on rainy days especially, slide headfirst with all their friends after a touchdown. It’ll be glorious.
Troy WayrynenTroy Wayrynen-USA TODAY Sports
They did it in Any Given Sunday, which I watched recently again on cable. It remains OK.
Bonus points if you can coordinate with the PA announcer to play Ginuwine’s smash 1996 hit, “Pony,” this basically has you riding around as if you were on a pony. Teammate serving as the pony: optional.
Stephen R. SylvanieStephen R. Sylvanie-USA TODAY Sports
The Magic Mike XXL
I’m guessing this will still be penalized, but if you can keep the hip pumps to a minimum, maybe you can get away with it. Basically, you just act out any of the male stripper dancing scenes from the film Magic Mike XXL.
Brad MillsBrad Mills-USA TODAY Sports
The Viking Warship
I’ll be disappointed if the Minnesota Vikings don’t do this. After a touchdown, 10 men sit down in two rows in the end zone. The player who scored stands before them, staring out at the imaginary sea. They then stroke like Erik the Red himself were leading them into battle.
Bruce KluckhohnBruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports
This will require some prop work, and I’m guessing would still not be legal both due to its involved nature, the faux gore and probably an equipment violation, but what I’m seeing is this: Let’s say Julian Edelman scores a nice touchdown. He goes to spike the football … but something is wrong. He doesn’t feel well. Is he injured? Sick? His teammates come to check on him. They tell him to lie down. He does so, for a moment, UNTIL AN ALIEN FETUS RIPS OUT OF HIS CHEST CAVITY AND THE ENTIRE STADIUM SCREAMS IN HORROR. Then Edelman gets up and spikes the football. It’s like in the movie Alien.
The Golf Outing
Four guys pretending to play golf in the end zone. Could line up putts and stuff. That’ll sorta be fun.
Lance IversenLance Iversen-USA TODAY Sports
The Reservoir Dogs
Picture it: The Jaguars score a touchdown. Six members of their offense then, one by one, enter the end zone. A robbery has gone wrong, and in an extended pantomime, the six men confront one another over who has betrayed the group. It all ends in a bloody confrontation, as the crowd gasps in horror. The refs would have to be pretty lenient with the time allowed, as I’m seeing this lasting somewhere around 27 minutes.
You stick your hands close to your body and waddle around like a penguin. Bonus points if you can fashion an icy hill during a snow game and slide down it on your belly. Or if you eat a raw fish.
Charles LeClaireCharles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sports
The Mens 4x100 Relay
Scene: The Steelers have just scored a touchdown. Three receivers and Le’Veon Bell all take opposite corners of the field, with Bell holding the ball in the end zone. Ben Roethlisberger calls out “on your mark, get set, go!” and we all watch as the four men race around the field, handing the ball off as the baton at every turn. Their time would be kept for posterity.
Kirby LeeKirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports
The Schoolyard Redemption
After Danny Woodhead punches in a 2-yard run, he stands on the right side of the end zone. His teammates all stand on the left side. Woodhead stares at the ground, kicking dirt and whistling. After a moment, two of the largest offensive lineman come and start poking at Woodhead. They call him names. One even pushes him to the ground. We repeat this five or six times, each time Woodhead not quite summoning up the courage to stand up for himself. Finally, on the seventh time, Woodhead stands strong and gives the two, big offensive linemen a 5- to 7-minute speech on how their bullying is only showing their own insecurities and that one day they will see that it is only themselves that they hate, not young Woodhead. Then an equipment manager carries out a functional toilet into the end zone and the offensive lineman give Woodhead a swirly.