"White Men Can't Jump", the 1992 comedy that made Venice Beach pickup basketball famous, is a classic sports movie from the writer/director (Ron Shelton) who gave us "Bull Durham", "Tin Cup", "Blue Chips" and "Cobb".
So the news that Clippers star Blake Griffin and Panthers lineman Ryan Kalil are remaking it, according to The Hollywood Reporter, naturally has some sports fans uneasy. We know Blake can jump, but can he act? However, the two are only producing the remake, not starring in it, so we took it upon ourselves to cast this sucker and make sure they do justice to a classic.
(WARNING: Clips contain strong language)
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Sidney Deane (Wesley Snipes)
Who we think they'll cast: Tyrese
Who we'd like to see: Draymond Green
Sidney was the trash-talking hustler who looked the part, and Snipes' swag brought the role to life. We debated which actor could do the same — Michael B. Jordan? Anthony Mackie? Lamorne Morris? Drake? — before settling on the Watts native Tyrese, who'd be right at home in this scene. But Draymond would be perfect for this role, in a tank top and some bicycle shorts. Don't be talkin' about his mother.
Billy Hoyle (Woody Harrelson)
Who we think they'll cast: Channing Tatum
Who we'd like to see: Gordon Hayward
Billy was the hustler who didn't look the part, and Harrelson's projected naivete, which he honed as a hayseed-turned-big-city bartender on "Cheers", made him the perfect complement to Sidney. We've seen Tatum's undercover skills in "21 Jump Street", so we know he could pull off the role. But if we're looking for pure shooting skill in the guise of "slow, white, geeky chump", then we should look no further than the Utah Jazz star. Heck, he could play himself — people on the pickup courts still might not believe he can ball.
If Hart was just a few inches taller, we'd probably cast him as Sidney. But what the diminutive funnyman lacks in size, he makes up for in personality, so he'd be perfect for Sidney's sidekick Junior. Plus, we all know how he loves to ball. But since Hart is already in all the movies, why not go with another LA guy who's just as big of a goofball? C'mon, can't you just picture Swaggy saying "We goin' Sizz-ler!"
The Stucci brothers (Eloy Casados & Frank Rossi)
Who we think they'll cast: Danny McBride & Sasha Baron Cohen
Who we'd like to see: The Lopez brothers
Who knows who they'll cast as the gangster brothers chasing Billy for their money. McBride and Cohen can be hilarious in bit roles, especially as villains. But why not Brook and Robin Lopez? They're actually brothers, and they're funny, too. Have you seen Robin go after the mascots around the NBA? He's about as gangster as it gets.
Alex Trebek (as himself)
Who we think they'll cast: Alex Trebek
Who we'd like to see: Alex Trebek
He may be 76, but Trebek IS "Jeopardy!". Plus he's signed on as host until 2018, so let's hurry up and get this thing done.