You do not want to do this, man. You just got to the ballpark. You paid good money for these tickets, and the last thing you want is to spend the rest of the afternoon watching the game at the dive bar down the block — or worse, in jail, because you drunkenly baptized a child in Pabst Blue Ribbon on his first day at the ballpark. You do not want these problems, and if you avoid the following behaviors, you'll make it through this baseball game with your honor and agency intact.
10. Wear the wrong shirt
This is a weird one, but rest assured: It is possible get escorted out of an MLB game if you wear the wrong gear to the wrong stadium. The latest example of this rule cropped up when Cubs fans wore manager Joe Maddon's "Try Not to Suck" shirts into Busch Stadium. The "offensive" tees didn't result in any ejections, but it did force the Cardinals to "reassess" their dress code policy.
Getty ImagesDylan Buell
9. Get caught sneaking booze into the game
You can sneak alcohol into a baseball game pretty easily if you're smart. Not that anyone here would recommend it, of course. Ahem. Anyways, a good way to get hung up at the game and possibly turned away before you can even sit down is to have the "beer belly" bladder of Labatt Blue under your shirt fall out or explode as you approach security. Never a fun thing to explain.
Getty ImagesTom Szczerbowski
8. Sneak up into better seats
This is a case-by-case basis. Usually, as long as you aren't a jerk about it, and the theft isn't too heinous, moving up into better seats isn't an ejection-worthy crime at a ballgame. But if you're trying to crash a skybox suite (the present author has NEVER attempted such a misdeed), you're going to be out on your butt before you can explain why you've eaten half the complimentary shrimp.
Boston Globe via Getty ImagesBoston Globe
7. Throw pizza at someone
"AND HERE COMES THE PIZZA!"
Getty ImagesBrian Kersey
6. Directly interfere with the game
As Steve Bartman proved, it's possible for you to interfere with a moment in sport so egregiously that your personal well-being is endangered and you have to be escorted from the premises for your own safety. Try not to be that guy.
5. Pick on a player mercilessly
When done properly, heckling is a good and vital part of the sporting experience. As long as you keep it creative and clean, you're typically alright. But if you get nasty and you pick on the player who won't deal with your mocking ... boy bye.
Getty ImagesDenis Poroy
4. Get personal with the umpire
Nope. Don't do it. It may seem like a good cataract joke, but rest assured: It is not. And if you keep it up, some kindly ushers will escort you to the parking lot.
Getty ImagesJohn Konstantaras
3. Be the drunkest person of all people
Being drunk at the ballpark isn't great per se. But it does happen. Often. What you want to avoid, however, is being pass-out or "urinal trough slip-n-slide" drunk while on the premises. You will get bounced swiftly, if not arrested and thrown in the drunk tank.
Getty ImagesJonathan Daniel
2. Get messy with your dip
Things you shouldn't do with dip at a ballpark: 1) Spit it everywhere. 2) Spit it onto the field. 3) Place your gross Gatorade spittoon on the railing, where it will be knocked off and fall onto fans below. 4) THROW IT AT PLAYERS (this shouldn't have to be said, but it does).
Getty ImagesJoe Robbins
1. Rush onto the field
Bingo. Bongo. Done. Running your dumb body across the grass at a major league ballpark is the quickest, no-fuss way to get the boot from the stadium. You'll even get chauffeured afterward — right to the county jail, after a considerable time spent waiting in a holding cell under the stadium. But you'll have plenty of time to count those welts!