Why We Love/Hate Clay for the Exact Opposite Reasons
Why We Hate Him
1. The Beard
We all know the full beard went by the wayside in America back around the time of, let’s say, Benjamin Harrison (i.e. the last president with a beard) give or take a couple decades. To put this in perspective, upon examination of our country’s facial hair lineage, the full beard is a closer relative of the muttonchop than any popular choice today. The final bastions of beard-dom include Hippies, Santa Clause, ZZ Top, and Muslims (which explains a lot about Clay), and this lot seldom attracts gorgeous Southern women.
When it comes to choosing facial adornment, should a man look to a radio host blogger for style advice? I tend to go with what works, and what works is Kliff Kingsbury. He may have abandoned the SEC, but he hasn’t abandoned being beautiful (just look at these pics). For God’s sake he’s in the Outkicked Pics Hall of Fame by himself! Women love him, men want to be him, and for that reason, all fashion cues should come from him.
Face pubes are out; sexy stubble is in.
2. Entertainment Value
I’ll be the first to say that Clay is too damn entertaining. Seriously. I can’t get anything done on Fridays because I spend the whole morning trying to come up with mailbag questions and then most of the afternoon reading it and all the articles I missed during the week. Who really cares about some Hawaiian chick swimming with sharks or who Scooby Football hooked up with last night or which Disney Princess is hottest? Ordinarily, I wouldn’t. But Clay could sell Saban on the Harlem Shake…he’s just that good. And it doesn’t hurt that most of the cover photos for the articles are half-naked women. Who can resist?
Aside from the world famous B.G.I.D. (which as previously discussed may need to be changed to Kliff Getting it Done), the last thing any SEC school needs is more nicknames or abbreviations. The Greek community really cornered this market in the past, and at this point has really played itself out. Unique or not, Clayisms gotta go.
4. Dick Jokes
Dick jokes climaxed long ago.
5. He Introduced Us to Dee Dee Bonner
Now I’m not saying Dee Dee is ugly by any means, but if I wanted to see middle-aged fake boobs I could just go down to the local PTA meeting and see them in living color. I mean, Musburger barely even mentioned her while gawking over Katherine Webb during the championship game, and Musburger knows talent when he sees it!
No one in their right mind goes for Dee Dee or any other plasticized mom over Webb, Sarah Savage, Lauren Tannehill, or any other hot coeds/20 somethings you could post pictures of. Dee Dee is taking up valuable real estate here.
Readers of OKTC want the best of the best, be it stories, analysis, jokes, you name it. Accordingly, we demand the same of posted pictures beginning with young, natural boobs. If I’m going to get caught at work with boobs on my browser, it better be worth it.
Why We Love Him
1. Grammar Nazi
At least someone is attempting to teach grammar lessons to the Southern populace. Everyone knows that SEC country struggles more with the English language than a 16 seed in March. Speaking of, I recently saw a bracket picked by highest graduate salaries, but can we get one using US News & World Report educational rankings? These picks would be biased towards public research universities (like Florida) though, so maybe a bracket using school’s graduation rate or team’s GPA would be even better. I can’t imagine the SEC (or any school from the South) would make it far. Regardless, any team with Marshall Henderson is a first round intelligence loss.
Anyway, keep patrolling Twitter Clay, I really think you’re starting to get somewhere…
2. He's a Gay Muslim
Who doesn’t like an oddball? Les Miles, Shaq, and Honey Badger (there’s some sort of trend here I can’t put my finger on) are all a little left of center and people love them! Nick Saban is borderline insane and I’m pretty sure people worship him. So why shouldn’t we embrace Clay for what he is?
Also, has anyone ever wondered what a stereotypical gay Muslim would actually look like? I did. Thanks to the website MorphThing.com, I crossed my favorite gay actor (Cam from Modern Family) with my favorite Muslim character (Abu Nazir from Homeland), and here’s what I got.
No joke. It’s a fat Clay Travis with glasses and the shadow of a turban.
All rumors confirmed.
3. He's a Realist
This is what makes OKTC so great. Who else has the balls to talk about hooking up with Disney princesses? I don’t, but Clay knows that this is exactly the sort of thing guys think about. He’s broken down the buttchugger press conference to a level of detail no one will ever match, but he somehow puts down what everyone else is thinking in a hilarious way that keeps us coming back.
4. He's More Educated Than You
I like decently smart girls. I think girls like decently smart guys. I think this is true in most places outside of Alabama. And since the state of Alabama already hates Clay, I think the rest of us must really like him for being smart.
5. He Has the Life You Want
Clay is what every SEC football fan wants to be. Hell, I’m sitting here on a Wednesday writing an article for OKTC for free. He gets paid for this! I mean, he gets paid to talk about sports for several hours a day (technically, so does the average salaried office worker). Should we be jealous of Clay for that? As for me, I just aspire to be him.
There you have it, Clay Travis is a blessing and a curse...kind of like being told “your gay.”