Tyler Bray: American Hero, Stephen Garcia Disciple
In the past month Tyler Bray has been accused of "jet ski hotdogging" and throwing beer bottles off his apartment balcony at cars below. This is important news because after Steve Spurrier finally kicked Stephen Garcia off the South Carolina team we thought we'd have to wait a long time until another Garcia would arrive in the SEC. Turns out we just had to wait half a season. Now Tyler Bray, "the face of the Vol offense," as Derek Dooley memorably called him at SEC Media Days has become your friend in college who always got busted for doing dumb stuff that wasn't really that dangerous.
"According to Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency officer Dewayne Williams, Bray was driving a Jet Ski with a woman passenger when he was observed by Williams "hot dogging" with another Jet Ski. Williams explained the term "hot dogging" as "almost like playing chicken" on Jet Skis.
The other Jet Ski tipped over spilling the unidentified occupants into the water. Bray then sped near the swimmers "spraying them with water," according to Williams, who added "he was almost on top of them."
Jet Skis are supposed to operate at least 100 feet apart, Williams said.
The charges include a Class A misdemeanor for reckless operation of a personal watercraft, and a Class C misdemeanor for failure to have a boating education certificate.
The Class A misdemeanor carries a possible $2,500 fine and six months in jail."
Six months in jail? For jet ski hotdogging? As one Twitter follower already put it, "Don't you buy a jet ski TO hotdog?"
Six months, good lord.
What does Tennessee do for wet willies? Gas you?
It's all fun and games for Tyler Bray who will be drafted by someone come April 2013 no matter what he does off the field. That's what being 6'6" with a cannon for an arm does for you. But what about Derek Dooley, has there ever been a coach whose coaching fate relied more on the intemperate decision-making of a quarterback with a golden arm? At least Steve Spurrier knew that no matter what Stephen Garcia did, Garcia couldn't cost him his job. But Dooley? He knows that if Bray gets in too much trouble, he's done. This entire Tennessee season is going to be like a season of the Bachelor with the most mercurial bachelor lead ever.
By the way, get working on this now, ABC, Tyler Bray as the Bachelor?
Bray would be the first bachelor to eschew giving out roses via handoff. Instead, he'd drop back seventy yards and go deep on every coronation.
Dooley isn't on the hot seat, he's playing college football's own version of Monopoly. Keep Bray out of jail and he keeps his job, get him sent to jail and he's never passing Go again.
In fact, toss Dooley, Bray, and junior wide receiver/diva/perpetual malconent Da'Rick Rogers into the offensive mix and you're talking about a potent molotov cocktail of inexplicable decision making that could explode at any moment.
And by "explode at any moment" I clearly mean on the road against Mississippi State in Starkville.
Tennessee is either going to score 60 points in this game or lose by 50.
I see no middle ground.
Which brings me to nine additional thoughts on Tyler Bray's jet ski arrest:
1. Every time his phone rings after midnight, Dooley closes his eyes, crosses his heart, and silently whisphers, "Please don't be Tyler."
I picture Dooley with a calendar on his desk, every day that goes by without a Bray arrest he crosses off with a tremendous sigh. It's kind of like those Christmas calendars we all had when we were kids that gave you a piece of candy on every day as Christmas neared.
Wait, y'all didn't have one of those calendars?
2. The only thing that could make the jet ski story better? If Barbara Dooley was Tyler Bray's jet ski passenger.
Would anybody be shocked?
3. Kenny Powers thinks Tyler Bray is a bad ass mofo.
If Bray was wearing a pair of Dre Beats headphones and listening to his own autobiography on audio book while jet skiing, this scene is perfect.
4. There aren't any Tyler Bray quotes in the police report.
I can't tell you how disappointing this is.
Especially because I'm sure this happened:
"Asked to provide a driver's license, suspect stood up, removed his life jacket, and pointed both thumbs at his back tattoo, stating: "Here's my license. I'm Bray, bitch."
5. Stephen Garcia immediately texted Bray: "Bro, why wasn't your chick topless?"
To which Bray immediately replied, "Barbara promised coach she wouldn't jet ski topless anymore. Sucks."
6. Bray wasn't cited for failure to wear a life jacket.
Which is fortunate because you go to jail for three years in Tennessee if you jet ski without a life vest.
But how huge is this upset? Bray had on the life jacket. If I'm Dooley I focus on this in my answer to media questions.
7. What's Bray get charged with next?
Even odds on these four possibilities:
a. stealing Twizzlers while drunk
b. starting a porn company without filing a state of Tennessee business license
c. backpack full of alcohol soaked gummi bears at Tin Roof Knoxville
d. being awesome
8. Dooley pulled wide receiver Da'Rick Rodgers aside and said, "Da'Rick, I need you to talk to Tyler about maturity and leadership."
This immediately backfires.
Da'Rick's advice: "Ty, you got to handle your business. Let's buy a jacuzzi, put it in your apartment and bring the bitches to your place. You don't need no jet ski."
9. There is a roughly 70% chance that Bray gets mad at the media this year and refuses to talk with them.
I'm praying this is his final quote: "You want a comment, here's my comment!": (Simultaneous double throat slash with thumbs.)
I think Bray's comment to every question should be the double throat slash.