Lexington Police Scanner Wins Twitter Title
But I know lots of y'all had to go to bed and get up early for work today. So I've grabbed the greatest hits from Lexington's night of rioting and collected them here.
I'm hoping that someone collected the audio and you'll be able to hear this at some point too, but in the meantime, here we go.
Mere moments after the game ended Lisa Horne of Fox Tweeted out the link to the Lexington police scanner.
For this she is a hero.
From there I was all in and each of these Tweets actually happened.
This was the opener:
1:15 AM ET
"Uh, we have a partially nude male with a propane tank."
I dare you to turn away after this.
1:21 AM ET
"Subject is down by the pool, wearing UK shorts and shirt, gash behind ear."
Odds he was beaten for not wearing enough UK gear?
Gotta have the hat on the head too and triple fan gear down. Otherwise someone might think you're rooting for Louisville.
Y'all are already blowing up my Twitter feed saying you want to meet "the breathy headquarters girl" on the radio because she sounds hot.
Not to be outdone, many of you are counseling patience on crowning the hotness of the Lexington police dispatch. "Voices can be deceiving when it comes to hotness. Trust me," a Tweet reads.
"They're trying to break a tree."
Somewhere Harvey Updyke solemnly nods.
If you're wondering how to break a tree, you're not the only one.
Police officer on State Street: "On these little fires in the street we're just going to let them burn."
The AP will report over 56 fires in the city.
"The garage is engulfed in flames."
This is why you burn the couches outside.
"Subject is shooting fireworks out of a moving car."
According to the officer he is also eating a Slim Jim.
Welcome to Kentucky.
Domestic dispute: "Male, white, in UK shirt. Breaking things."
Nice description. At present this describes 90% of the people in Lexington.
Can we just assume the UK gear?
"Subject is white male with an afro."
Okay, this, I can work with.
By two in the morning I'm starting to feel like this is what happens when zombies take over Earth. I'm fearing for the hot female dispatcher, expecting her to be attacked while she's on the mic.
There is an open mic on line 2. You can hear a cop hitting on coeds for approximately ten minutes while the dispatch continues to alert everyone to the fact that there's an open mic.
I am certain that this cop is Derek Dooley.
Or this guy.
Cop: "You're right hot coed, you really can see the riots better with the three goggles on!"
Panicked police officer voice: "Make sure you get everyone out that went in! They just retook the street!"
The riot is winning.
Also, this is similar to Little Round Top.
Police officer: "We just had a flash mob and everybody said they were going to shoot everybody."
A murderous flash mob?
This will be the next CSI.
Only it will be a murderous flash mob of teenage hookers.
Don't worry, he survived.
But the suspect is still loose wearing UK gear.
One of you Tweets me this: "If only Twitter had been around when Sherman burned Atlanta."
"Subject is surfing on top of a car."
Gotta be Jared Lorenzen.
Commander Coleman, flips out, screaming at his troops to maintain their distance from the crowds.
This is Commander Coleman.
His mustache is riot proof.
Overwhelming the paddy wagons with arrests, police are now sending arrested Lexington natives to jail in taxi cabs.
Raising the question, who pays the cab fare?
A question that cabbies can now be heard asking on the Lexington police scanner.
Raising this alarming precedent:
There is no precedent for a zombie attack when it comes to cab fares!
Police officer in street: "Let them light off the fireworks as long as they're not lighting at somebody else."
My parents used to say this.
This is well-honed Southern redneck wisdom right there.
My wife comes in to the room and says, "Are you listening to a police scanner? Is that legal?"
It's bed time.
I didn't think it was possible, but by chanting C-A-T-S beside a street bonfire, you really have passed Alabama for the title of dumbest fan base in America.