If you are looking for hard-hitting analysis, yeah, this ain’t it. But if you want a fun, entertaining read, you’ve found the right place. For more of Brandon Rifkin, please head to his blog or follow him on Twitter.
Probably one of the most boring 58-0 games I’ve ever seen. But it’s an acceptable type of boring, because it definitely beats a nail-biter against a joke of a school like Miami of the Ohio. I never checked their Twitter account after the game, but I’m going to safely assume they did not go back to the statistical analysis. At the end of the day, they learned with the rest of the teams on our schedule are going to learn themselves: Joel Stave is fo’ REAL. But it’s not just Stave that has taken a leap: our receivers were steaming hot garbage last year. Well, they’ve been trash ever since Jared Abbrederis left. Seeing their improvement this year has me thinking that coaching can really have a big effect on players — even in the short term. Rob Wheelwright is out there snagging touchdowns away from his body like we always hoped he could. Alex Erickson remains rock solid. Even Dare Ogunbowale looked respectable in the passing game.
Overall, you have to like what you’ve seen so far from the Badger passing attack, especially given that the rushing game has been borderline nonexistent so far. The Chryst Effect? Perhaps.
Now I just spend games hoping we don’t get ahead by too much. Can’t have them pulling Stave early and limiting his numbers. We’ve got a Heisman campaign to run here.
I do! I don’t know why . . . it’s not good. It’s not "Braveheart", it’s not "The Patriot", it’s not . . . any other sweet Mel Gibson battle movie. Brad Pitt’s love affair with the princess he abducted is weird. His arms are LETHAL. When that army king guy yells boagriUSSSSSSSSSS I get all excited. Maybe that’s it. I think I’m starting to hate this movie the more I simmer over it. Achilles dies from some dinky little arrow from Paris? LAME.
THIS AIN’T TROY’S FIRST RODEO
Because they are the ULTRA RODEO CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD:
Troy University had one of the top collegiate rodeo programs in the nation. In 2007, Troy calf roper Ben Mayworth won the calf roping national championship at the National Finals College Rodeo in Casper, Wyoming.
That’s right, powerhouse rodeo program in the middle of Alabama.
D-FENSE! T-ROY! We can all ignore that he only has 4 abs, right? Ol’ T-Roy not a big fan of the decline sit-ups. Somebody’s skimping on ab day and his name is T-ROY.
In case you’re living under a rock, the 3 key points under the "personal life" section for his Wikipedia page are his wife/kids, a golf cart accident where he lost 4 teeth and the day he cut off his dreads. DRAMA FOR DAYZ
PSA: I’m really kinda digging "Fear The Walking Dead". The early stages of the zombie apocalypse are sneakily much more fascinating than the mid-game. How did people come to terms with zombies being a thing? When did society completely collapse and turn into a survival competition? Will this stupid show ever just acknowledge that the word "zombie" is okay and just freaking say it?
That last part is something I haven’t fully figured out yet. Are we supposed to assume in the universe these shows occupy, fictional zombie lore was nonexistent? And that word literally does not exist? Baffling. Befuddling.
Now accepting donations. I VERY badly want this to be my Halloween costume, but $70 is a lot to drop given that there’s no way that thing survives a Friday night Halloween party. Zero percent chance. But even comes with a little fan that keeps it blown up! And I can still drink through the oh wait no I can’t you can’t drink with T-Rex arms. DAMN. Why is there always a catch?
PS – UPDATE: it’s now sold out. This thing called life ain’t fair.
CURSE YOU NEIL WATKINS FROM ACCOUNTING
But then there’s Troy. I can’t even begin to list them out because I’ve never heard of any of them and none of them have done ANYTHING of importance. Half of the notable media alums are "Survivor"/"Big Brother" contestants. No Troy graduate has EVER started a business. Even their athletes are meh at best.
I’m too tired to try and twist this into something it isn’t. This school sucks and they produce non-distinct mediocrity that doesn’t deserve individual recognition.
BIG TEN FEAR RANKINGS
1) Ohio State, 2-0 (0-0). So thoroughly enjoyed Bret Bielema running his mouth about Ohio State’s schedule . . . and then promptly losing to Toledo. That’s classic Bielema, through and through. Never change.
2) Michigan State, 2-0 (0-0). Yeah, these guys are good. Again.
3) Wisconsin, 1-1 (0-0). Damn you Facebook making me feel all sad:
Sad, not because I miss him. Sad because how the hell did we lose three games with him as our quarterback. How was that possible?
4) Illinois, 2-0 (0-0). If they beat UNC on the road then they should automatically be in the playoff. Nothing else should matter.
5) Northwestern, 2-0 (0-0). *waits patiently for the inevitable Northwestern disappointment*
6) Iowa, 2-0 (0-0). I suppose two unimpressive wins are better than two unimpressive losses. Go Iowa!
7) Nebraska, 1-1 (0-0). You may have heard, but the 49ers signed some Australian rugby player to their team this year. Normally, this would be a cute little story that everyone forgets about once the season starts. But during the 49ers/Vikings game on Monday, an Australian journalist decided to live blog the game despite knowing NOTHING about football. The results? ADORABLE:
Just so cute. But it really got me good when this happened:
Dropping "The Rock" references in an Australian live blog about American football? Does it get any better?
8) Minnesota, 1-1 (0-0). Dangerously close to 0-2, dangerously close to an ecstatic Brandon.
9) Michigan, 1-1 (0-0). No, you’re supposed to LOSE every game. Not win. Idiots.
10) Maryland, 1-1 (0-0). If Under Armor is really trying to make Maryland their Oregon, I will be MOST upset. Why hasn’t anyone graduated from UW and started a multibillion dollar apparel company? I demand that our athletes be spoiled to the brim with cool uniforms, otherworldly facilities, and the finest hookers recruits have ever seen.
11) Indiana, 2-0 (0-0). Should you find yourself needing big turnovers to beat Florida International, then you probably should temper excitement over a 2-0 start.
12) Purdue, 1-1 (0-0). LOL Purdue
13) Penn State, 1-1 (0-0). A struggle against Buffalo is just what the doctor ordered after losing to Temple
Rutgers) Rutgers, 1-1 (0-0). I don’t think "shitshow" adequately describes Rutgers football. Can we trade them for Syracuse?
THE BEER SCENE: TROY
Now, you might find this hard to believe . . . but there is not a single brewery in the city of Troy, Ala. So I digitally traveled to nearby Dothan, Ala., to find Folklore Brewing and Meadery. Now, I’m reasonably sure "meadery" is not even a word. I assume some fine folks from middle-of-nowhere Alabama made mead and the conversation went something like this:
Hick 1: This mead sure is good
Hick 2: We should make more of it, and SELL IT
Hick 1: Well we sell beer here. This be a brewery
Hick 2: What do you call a place that sells mead?
Hick 1: A MEADERY
And with that, Folklore Brewing and Meadery was born.
PS — Would you be surprised to hear that Folklore Brewing and Meadery in Dothan, Ala., is on Mary Lou Lane?
PPS – If you ever find yourself driving down Mary Lou Lane looking for Folklore Brewing and Meadery, well, you’ll know it when you see it:
MATCHUP TO WATCH
Stave’s Continued Dominance vs. Feeling Bad About Embarrassing The Trojans. At some point in the third quarter, Stave is gonna be sitting on 400 yards and 6 touchdowns and Chryst is gonna have to make a really tough call: does he let his Heisman frontrunner keep going and possibly hurt T-Roy’s feelings? Or does he call off the dogs and get Houston in there to pump the brakes? Tough call. That’s why Chryst gets paid the big bucks. I know what I would do: stavestavestavestave
THIS WEEK’S GAME IN HAIKU
Clement is still hurt
Beginning to worry me
Need him for Hawkeyes
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
The latest installment in Stupid Videos That Really Get Me is a classic. You wanna know the dumbest part? I didn’t even get the Chris P. part of the pig’s name the first time through. I just thought the guy was losing his shit over a pig with the last name bacon. This is probably right up there with me realizing last week that photographers have people say "cheese" for pictures because it makes your mouth contort into a smile. That shit blew my mind. I thought it was just some stupid thing photographers did to be annoying.
I think adults are supposed to piece that one together after taking 10 million pictures. NOT THIS CAT.